I have posted for some time in the Organizing Forum about the cleanout of my parents' home before and after their deaths plus the resulting estate issues. To recap, Mom died in 2015 and Dad in 2017. They left behind a crapload of stuff that we started cleaning out in the time between their deaths plus afterward. I am oldest of 3 sisters, with our middle sister (MS) who is the executor of the estate.

In a nutshell, MS was on track with getting the estate settled for the first 6 months after Dad passed away. Then things came to a screeching halt last spring. In spite of her statements that she would get to the estate sale in the fall with the house sale to follow, fall has come and gone with no communication from her about the estate. In fact she admitted to youngest sister (YS) that "she hadn't done much" several months ago. This past winter, YS had enough and contacted the estate lawyer outlining her various concerns and asking him to follow up with MS. This sparked WWIII with MS suddenly waking up and making claims about "all the work she as done" never mind it's her legal duty to communicate this and we have heard nothing plus her earlier admission to YS that stated the opposite.

Other than some emails exchanged at the recommendation of the attorney, they are not speaking. MS's last birthday passed last week and there was no acknowledgement from YS which is a first. I am on speaking terms with both of them even as both have stated that their relationship with each other is over. That may be the case, time will tell. Things are fine between me and YS, however talking to MS is like getting hit with a truck. She's pretty angry over the letter and considers it a terrible betrayal and making her look bad rather than a wake up call. Ok, it is those things but she is also missing the point, the estate going on too long. Going all Woodward and Bernstein on me, I get quizzed on what I knew and when I knew it regards to the letter (truth: I didn't know until after it was sent). I get quizzed on my communications with YS. I have told MS that this is an issue between them and I am not getting in the middle however MS is so suspicious that I don't think she believes me. MS also made some admissions to me in the middle of her rants which also make me question she is really doing with the money. She's been caught in a few lies and I can't pin her down on what her plans are with the estate going forward.

There have been longstanding issues between the two of them that have festered for years. In addition, around the time our father passed some things went on between MS and YS, who was going through a personal crisis at home on top of our father's death, MS behaved in ways that made things worse. Even YS husband is done with her. So YS felt she had nothing to lose over raising hell over the estate. I have to agree that MS has often treated YS terribly unfortunately with our own mother telling YS to suck it up because family.

So, while I am saddened to see what has happened between the two of them, I am not surprised. On one hand I am glad to see YS stand up for herself, she has been pushed around and given up a lot to satisfy my family's needs nearly to the detriment of her own marriage. One reason why our relationship is good is because I have been the supportive sister over the years. YS got a lot of grief for her life choices, which were nothing radical, but her biggest sin was that she moved 1200 miles away. Sounds pathetic but that's how my immediate family rolls, there's been a ton of unrealistic and unhealthy expectations that never died in the face of real life.

MS is the type of person who will hold a grudge forever, even on behalf of other people. She is carrying forward my mother's anger over past things, including that over YS moving away. She harbors my mom's anger at me for not calling / visiting / doing enough. She is suspicious that no amount of reassurance or fact checking can assuage. She know I have the better relationship with YS. In spite of saying she will not put me in the middle, she tries to put me in the middle. I try to steer her toward simply handling my parents estate, to get it done in spite of the letter, but MS is doubling down. Instead of getting a move on, in spite of her recent claims she was working on the estate sale and she would "let me know" I have heard nothing....again. There's now questions of what she is doing with the estate money in my mind because of one key admission she made in one of her rants.

I feel like I am grieving all over again. The loss of the relationship between the 3 of us. It's me and YS or me and MS. And I don't think I can count on the relationship with MS in the future because I just see no good end to his. We need to get the estate done, but simply telling MS to get it done is a sticking point because it's "siding" with YS. Even though it's her legal duty in any case. I was considering giving her POA for financial and healthcare in the event of DH's death before mine but I don't think I can trust her now.

I was hoping that maybe the 3 of us could move on with minimal acrimony. The one sticking point was MS as she has no quibbles about saying things to us that if the shoe were on the other foot, we would never live it down. I guess that was too much to hope for.

Sorry for the rant. Any feedback is welcome.