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Thread: Siblings now estranged, estate issues were last straw and maybe for me

  1. #41
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    Jan 2011
    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    I can’t imagine parents trying to get adult children to remain dependent. It’s so unhealthy. Glad you escaped Sag.
    Thanks, the longer I live and see the effects of the enmeshment that developed between my parents and sisters as a result of being kept close, the more I am glad I left when I did. It was not easy to withstand the guilt trips and emotional manipulation, and my normally level-headed, sweet mother became quite dominant. It was jarring to see a bullying side of her personality. I remember feeling that something was very off with all this, though I wouldn't put a name to it for many years. It was hard to talk about at the time because too many people saw a loving, close family, how there be anything wrong? I remember one person in whom I confided at the time tell me "your parents are only looking out for you" and could not fathom it when I said "no, there's a problem here". Years later after YS bore the brunt of the same behaviors when she left home, this time from my parents and MS, was I able to talk about my experiences with her and even extended family have now come forward in recent years describing controlling behavior towards us from my parents that bothered them, some of it dating to our childhood.

    Quote Originally Posted by Simplemind View Post
    My sister and brother had always stayed in the folks pockets with loans and goodies as long as they didn't buck the system. I never borrowed a dime and was never in debt. As trustee I wanted to ask a couple of questions and dear sweet mother said in front of the attorney that it was none of my G*d d*mned business and that she preferred to remain an enigma. Imagine my confusion after they had both passed having both the attorney and the financial advisor say to me that my folks praised me all the time as their kid who had made something of herself and was the best with money and the only one capable of taking over the trust. Who the hell were these people???
    MS and YS were afraid to buck the system, long after they left home, I couldn't understand why both of them seemed so fearful of "making Mom and Dad mad". I had done it and survived, albeit with the underlying Bad Daughter label, but parents did not cut me off nor did I cut off them. I think there was some limited financial help given to YS while she was at home and parents babysat MS' two kids for years so MS didn't have pay as much for daycare. But getting the limited support doesn't explain the serious fear expressed over simply establishing normal boundaries, and I wonder just what happened in the years after I left home to make them that way.

    It's interesting that while MS subjected me to rants about "how I was not involved" and repeats my mother's refrain over "how I didn't call, visit, or do enough", when talking to YS (back when they were talking) she would mention about how I was helping, how hard I worked when we were organizing / cleaning, that I was a big help to her. I was like is this the same person we are talking about here? Even my parents praised me as the accomplished kid (honor student, went to a more prestigious private college, etc.) to anyone who would listen in spite of the private bad daughter label. I was the good kid who never gave them trouble and accomplished all they wanted, yet once I made a bid for independence, I might as well been a juvenile delinquent doing all the wrong things. I was very hurt and frankly, offended, to be suddenly be cast as a "bad kid". I never thought that making normal adult choices would do this and while I maintained a relationship with my folks, I never thought of them in the same way as I did before.

    Quote Originally Posted by Simplemind View Post
    The parents were gone, we could all breath our own air and they knew I took the heat all those years and did all the work at the end to their benefit. We now all get along without our mom steering our relationships. We have become very close since their passing and get together often. We love being able to laugh and talk openly about our odd upbringing. Believe me, there is a book in all that.
    @Simplemind, I am glad you have been able to forge a closer relationship with your siblings. I think your description of being able to breathe your own air is very apt. I think that is what is happening with both sisters here now that they don't have our parents to define their relationship. YS is finally able to breathe her own air, and while that has meant causing issues with MS with the letter, I think any attempt to stand up for herself would cause problems between them no matter what she did. MS was always able to push YS around. However I think MS is having some problems trying to breathe her own air, because she was so vested in being the good daughter who did everything Mom and Dad wanted for so long, so she doesn't know what to do without that defining role. I think she is downright scared and so prolonging the estate might be part of that fear.
    Last edited by saguaro; 4-22-19 at 12:11pm.

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