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Thread: Siblings now estranged, estate issues were last straw and maybe for me

  1. #111
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    It is very hard to sell the family farm. There is a farm in southern Michigan that my grandmother described going to visit her grandparents as a little girl--her grandfather built the house and cleared the land and put a stone fence around 40 acres. It is still in the family, which pleases me very much--it is a Michigan centennial farm. My great-great grandfather settled the land in 1840--they arrived in Michigan via the Erie Canal from New York.

    So to me, there is something tragic about selling the land.
    This is not a centennial farm and I have said so much to DH that if it was a Centennial Farms or multi generational farm it would be a different deal. Their father bought it in the 1970s.


    My family lost several farms in the Depression. If people could hang onto their farms through the depression, that meant a lot. That’s not what’s happening here.And the Farmhaus is butt ugly. Even little bro who may move there will tear it down and build something new. You know I would be all over this property and keeping it if it had one of the wonderful old farm houses that are around where we live in Missouri.


    Iowa farm houses are not very interesting. They almost all date past 1900. The ones around rural MO hereabouts can be civil war era.

  2. #112
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    I hear you. My parents bought their farm in the 70's and it's hard enough to think of selling that.

  3. #113
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    I hear you. My parents bought their farm in the 70's and it's hard enough to think of selling that.
    DH’s mother said loudly and often that if she survived her husband ( the likely outcome) she would sell their farm pronto, so these feelings are not universally shared.But she died first.

  4. #114
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    My brother and I are in the process of selling my dad's house, which is also where we mostly grew up. I'm feeling lucky that we are very much on the same page: neither of us is emotionally attached to the house and we basically agree on the price we hope to get. Division of labor is him doing physical stuff like cleaning out the house and me doing stuff like paying bills, anything legal, and selling/promotional stuff, mostly from where I live, several states away, with a week-long in-person trip there to kick things off regarding the home sale. So far we have been very much in agreement about all things estate-related, knock on wood! The house is in tear-down/major renovation condition but in a sought-after location. We are currently near the end of a two-week period of trying to sell it ourselves after which, if that doesn't work, we will probably list it with a realtor. I think we are going to sell it from this two-week effort though. I've contacted a bunch of builders and a few realtors -- we have had lots of interest and expect multiple bids.

  5. #115
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    Mama, so glad you guys can work together.

  6. #116
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    Smile

    Realized this thread just became a year old and bumping up for a final update. But not before I say to mamalatte, that I am glad she and her siblings are working so well on her dad's estate. It makes a huge difference when everyone is not just in agreement but everyone is also in the loop on a regular basis, something that was sadly lacking in our case.

    The day before closing the attorney handling the estate side of things called me in a panic. It was regarding the bank account information MS had given me. It seems that MS did not set up a bank account to handle estate funds, something that YS and I assumed she had done. Instead she rolled everything into the joint bank accounts under her and Dad's name. After Mom died, Dad put her on the accounts so she could pay bills (she also had financial POA). Per my attorney, anything that came into the account was legally hers so this is why we had to scramble the day before closing to do the paperwork to disburse funds directly. The other option was to have the title company hold the funds until she could set up a proper estate account but attorney advised in no way should the money hit that checking account.

    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    At least that part of the estate is settled. How is it going with the rest? Would you be content to just walk away now?
    After the house closed, YS wanted to push for the final disbursement on the remainder however, given the amounts, our attorney advised that it was best we did that on our own as the money spent in fees would be more than the gains. I agreed with this and was perfectly willing to just walk away from the rest. However, we did get an accounting and let's just say MS took some liberties with some expenditures however once again it was not in amounts worth disputing considering the 3 way split between each of us. YS and I advised MS' attorney that we were not going to challenge and to proceed with any distribution. I received the final distribution check last week. Other than some money left out to pay possible capital gains for tax year 2020, it's all done.

    A couple of things in closing:

    YS and MS are still not speaking, MS insists YS has to "call her", YS is done. I stay out of it. There are longstanding issues between them outside of the estate issue.

    MS and I have had contact regarding information she needs from me so she could cancel insurance, file taxes, etc.

    I have patched things up with MS to a certain extent, namely for the sake of my nephews and so that things won't be awkward at extended family events. We had a long conversation a couple of weeks ago which we both said our piece. I just let her talk and didn't make any rebuttals when I disagreed. She blames YS for influencing me to do what we did even though I told her point blank that it was my decision, what my reasons were and I own it. She still doesn't get that some things were her job to do like being in regular communication with us, stating it's my fault she went radio silent on the estate for 8 months. She will not address that by law she had to provide an accounting and we had to force the issue. So short we will have to agree to disagree.

    There will be boundaries in place. I am fine with communication via email, text and phone. Any in-person contact will be at family events only. Private meetings are out of the question because history has shown that is where she feels she has a clear field to blow up and say some of the most awful things. She blew up at YS in her own home when visiting a few years ago and I started to dread going to the house because I never knew when the next bomb would go off.

    Another boundary is to not rehash what has happened because she holds on to hurts, real and imagined, forever. However, I fully expect her to pull out the laundry list of grievances the next time she gets mad.

    Yet another boundary is to not get involved in the relationship between MS and YS. I have firmly told MS that those issues are between her and YS to work out or not. The issues between them are strictly between them, do not involve me and never have.

    I appreciate all the support given during this saga which is finally at an end and just in time. I can't imagine trying to sell the house now with COVID-19 going on. Getting an attorney to push this was absolutely the right thing.

    Thanks to all who weighed in.

  7. #117
    Senior Member Tradd's Avatar
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    Glad to hear it's over. MS sounds like a real piece of work.

  8. #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tradd View Post
    Glad to hear it's over. MS sounds like a real piece of work.
    Honestly, Tradd, in the last five years between dealing with our parents' final illnesses/death and then their estate was a real eye opener in seeing how she thinks and operates. She always was a difficult person and flouted my parents' rules but still I never expected this. I moved out of the house many years ago so afterwards my interactions with her was in context of social visits, holidays, etc. instead of having to live with her. Now I understand why she and YS have issues as both remained in the family home for years after I left and basically got away from what I learned later was increasing family dysfunction.

  9. #119
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Saguaro, glad to hear that the estate is resolved, finally. May I suggest that you need to find a way to help heal your stress with all of this, not just your parents' passing but family dysfunction, finding a way through the monetary issues, trying to figure out what to do etc. You are so right that your lawyer was a really good decision to help you get through this. It will take some time for the mental rehearsing and recycling of the struggle to finally leave you in peace. I wish you well!
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  10. #120
    Senior Member Tradd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saguaro View Post
    Honestly, Tradd, in the last five years between dealing with our parents' final illnesses/death and then their estate was a real eye opener in seeing how she thinks and operates. She always was a difficult person and flouted my parents' rules but still I never expected this. I moved out of the house many years ago so afterwards my interactions with her was in context of social visits, holidays, etc. instead of having to live with her. Now I understand why she and YS have issues as both remained in the family home for years after I left and basically got away from what I learned later was increasing family dysfunction.
    May I suggest thinking about cutting off contact if she misbehaves again? I blocked my parents' phone number and email addresses. I don't know how old your nephews are, but if their mother can't behave and act like a civilized person, then shunning her might be necessary. It made my life so much less stressful.

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