I think in this case, saguaro, your best hope is the outcome that leaves the shallowest cuts and bruises.
I think in this case, saguaro, your best hope is the outcome that leaves the shallowest cuts and bruises.
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington
If an actual estate is being probated, an accounting will have to be filed with the court to be approved. I've seen judges question the fiduciary about expenses. If it's a trust and MS is the trustee, she owes the other beneficiaries an accounting. I understand that what is supposed to happen and what actually happens can be wildly disparate things. I just hope MS is totally aware of her responsibilities.
"Do not accumulate for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal. But accumulate for yourselves treasure in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart is also." Jesus
Thanks, Steve. YS is unpacking a lot of emotional stuff from over the last 20 years, it's not just all the things that happened recently. She mentioned to me that she finally wants to live her life after giving up so much time and attention to the family to the detriment of other things in her life including her marriage. Contacting the attorney was a clear sign that she's done and is standing up for herself. I think MS is shocked but also devastated that this is happening. MS and YS were close in the years before they each married. I have advised MS to not do anything rash (meaning anything to punish YS) that might damage the relationship further. She may regret that later.Originally Posted by SteveinMN
MS claims she knows her responsibilities however it does not totally ring true. One of those responsibilities is communicating with the beneficiaries and she has not done that. It's interesting she made a lot of noise about knowing her responsibilities after YS contacted the attorney.
I know of an executor to be questioned by a judge just before closing the estate. My MIL was questioned over some distributions she made just before closing out her parents' estate with the probate court. The judge definitely wanted an explanation that required she appear in court. It was all good, but she was pretty nervous that day. I am not sure MS understands that she could be questioned and if it's not satisfactory, she could be held financially responsible and pay back the estate.
She may know her responsibilities but she is not conducting business by them. As a beneficiary you can ask for an accounting at any time. It would be interesting to see how she is accounting for her time. It was very clear to me that I needed to move quickly as well as get the most I could for the sale of any property. If I had undersold something just to get it out of my hair, my siblings could have shown that and I would be liable for the difference. NOT that any of that occurred BUT I was very aware of the hot potato I was holding. They were also gracious in the end due to our attorney as well as my gnats ass documentation of down to the quarter hour of any work I did. They allowed me more money for my efforts. I could have taken it regardless but it was important to me that they agreed due to the documentation that was put before them. IF either one of them had been the trustee instead of me, you can bet I would have been on it to make sure things were moving and if they were not then they would have been removed as trustee. That option might be in your trust as well if you and YS are successor trustees. Your MS may be upset that pushing it makes her look bad but the fact is that not getting it finalized IS bad for everybody..... not just her. Time is not your friend and neither is your sister at this point. Her responsibility is to be accountable and being accountable means producing results. Is it possible that there could be some mental/emotional issues or even...… gulp...… cognitive issues? If so, I know one hates to rock the boat but you should really push for your rights here.
This would be so frustrating to me that I would walk away and never speak of it again. And I would be willing to give up my inheritance for that peace of mind.
Each child deserves their share and walking away rewards bad behavior. No way would it do that.
Both YS and I think there's some mental / emotional issues at play. She was on track for the first several months getting various estate issues settled but once it came down to the last step which was selling the house, then things came to a screeching halt. At first, YS and I thought she was busy as her youngest graduated HS at that time and was in process of getting packed off to college but that was done by last August. However, there's no reports of any action or even requests for help from me afterward. I had been regularly helping her out but that came to a halt as well. At first I considered grief and control freak related issues but now I think there's something more serious going on. It could be emotional / mental / cognitive but I have reason to think some of it's deliberate (or all of it if she is stealing) as well
One thing I have seen is that she constantly changes her mind about what to do. When I was helping to clean out, she would tell me before I arrived at the house what the game plan was only to change her mind by the time I got there, as if the prior discussion never happened. She would focus on a certain task saying "we gotta do this NOW", we get to work on it, then shift gears the next week, leaving the prior task where it was with no explanation. Based on our latest conversation it appears that some tasks are still unfinished as they were last year. She would not remember where we left off in our discussions about the estate. She would promise to contact me about needing help, wouldn't follow through but then get angry that I was the one supposed to call her. She flip flops all over the place.
It's recently come to my attention in the last couple of weeks from YS that MS told her that she (MS) was not going to call me it was up to me to call her. This nonsense has been going on since when our mother was dying and MS was contacting YS with updates but not me. Which explains why I was kept out of the loop over things going on with our mother while MS blamed me for not responding to what was going on, in short, reading her mind. I was expected to call and beg for information. Having a reasonable expectation on my end that I would be updated as things happened / changed (Dad was at the forefront of what was happening with Mom along with MS) was apparently some lapse on my part. To say the least, I am pretty angry about that. She has the energy to play these games while stating that she's "doing so much" and "OMG the stress". I have no doubt things were stressful for her but it's pretty disappointing to know that I feel like I was "set up" to fail as a sister / daughter in her view confirming the Bad Daughter narrative that has been attached to me ever since I moved out of the house.
OK, I will stop on the heavy family stuff but getting back to the estate, I know a tough conversation with MS is coming about what she's doing and what her game plan is. That's what I am going to stick with and don't want to hear yet another rant about YS. When asked she deflects by saying that she's going it alone, and any push about making progress always gets turned around to having help that YS and I aren't doing enough, never mind she has had help from us and refused more. She needs to move, the problem is not help, it's that she's not making decisions and she's the one who has the authority to contract with any professionals such as estate sale, junk removal, realtor, etc., this business about getting "no help" is just an excuse. If I cannot get concrete information, then I will inform her that I will have no choice but to ask the probate court for an accounting since she cannot give it to me.
Last edited by saguaro; 4-18-19 at 1:40pm.
Were either you or YS named as successor trustees? Is the attorney who wrote the trust available to advise? Hate to say it but I think you have given enough chances and have seen enough red flags. Either she is mentally/cognitively unable to fulfill her obligation or..... she is stealing in various ways from the bottom line. It is time to replace her with one of you or, the attorney. When you talk to her (and there may be no point anymore) it would be good to do it at his office with him as a mediator. He can point out to her where the instructions have fallen through.
I feel for you, I really do. My siblings just didn't want to move on the property issues. They thought we could do all the sales ourselves but they never showed up or if they did things just didn't get done. They were overwhelmed. I was too but I'm also the first born, ass buster, don't like unpleasant things hanging over my head type. The loss of our parents and subsequent family secrets being exposed put them in a tailspin and it felt like everybody just was gut punched and couldn't move forward. In the mean time I had transients moving into our out buildings and thieves showing up in the middle of the night. I had cameras everywhere and my husband and I felt a tremendous burden. Grief was going to have to come later.
Your sis could have several things going on. There may be theft due to cognitive issues. Even though my mom couldn't technically steal from my dad her dementia caused financial issues beyond our wildest dreams. The more issues I found the sicker I got. She must have really been mentally tormented to do some of the things she did. There was no logic to it. My dad was so angry and as I spent days, weeks and months trying to figure things out I was surprised that he wasn't interested in fixing and sometimes stopped me from fixing. An example is not allowing me to talk to the renters after finding out that they had been living rent free for years because my mom never cashed the checks. In the beginning I assumed it was grief, anger and alcohol. It took me a bit to figure out he was in the mid stages of dementia and I needed to legally show he was incompetent and take everything over. It made me the bad guy. My sister and brother could have never stomached being the bad guy (responsible person) even if it was necessary. They had always been very dependent on my folks and they could see the well was about to run dry.
Both my parents lost all organizational skills for bills, tasks, planning of anything from day to day. They could not make decisions. Mail got pushed to the side and things didn't get taken care of. Your sister might be in the beginning stages. My mom was always convinced that I had stolen something of hers but in fact we had many of the same things because our taste was the same. Our family went through complete upheaval with the deaths of our parents. We weren't close growing up but I can say that after all was said and done, we have a deep appreciation for each other and are at peace. I'm still a bit shocked over it because our parents played us like chess pieces.
Hopefully you will be able to get to the center of what is going on with your sister. She is not going to change without being compelled and even then she may prove to be incapable.
Simplemind, I admire how you have come through such a challenging situation.
As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
I guess I don’t really believe that anyone deserves anything. And in my walking away, I wouldn’t continue the relationship with the sibling either.
I must value my peace of mind and freedom, more than money and fairness.
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