Siblings now estranged, estate issues were last straw and maybe for me

[saguaro]

Thanks. I wasn't expecting this at all but once I got over the initial shock, I am relieved we can finally get going and not deal with MS getting in the way of herself.

One reason why I wasn't expecting this was that initially my attorney thought we would have to go through the process of getting her removed but he found a clause in the trust that allowed for designation of a special trustee. This can be very specific, naming specific tasks, which is great because one thing I did not want to assume was the financial responsibility for the estate, like paying bills, etc. I wanted no liability in the event of any mismanagement. This way I can handle the house related stuff and MS can handle the financial stuff, answering for what she has done so far. Once the house is sold, the money goes into the estate account which MS manages. Could be another issue in getting her to disburse but that's for later.

There is actually some pretty big monies that were funneled to another one of the siblings, I mean a couple hundred thousand dollars, before his father died. But I remind DH that his father was alive and when he made these distributions his mind was mostly clear and it was his money to do with as he chooses. The “bad” sister is starting to chase this down but I don’t think she’ll have any luck in recovering it.

there is always drama in these things.

On the inlaw side, SIL has had quite a bit of money given to her from MIL / FIL, especially after both came into sizeable inheritances after grandparents died. For a long time DH complained that if his spendthrift parents die broke, she would have gotten her inheritance "ahead of time". I point out that his parents' money is theirs to spend as they see fit, they were and still are of sound enough mind. DH is long over this now but I know that if the situation was in reverse, SIL would be the one chasing the money he got after they passed.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. On my mother's deathbed, she reached under her butt and pulled out three 20-dollar bills and handed them to me. That was the same amount of money I had given her for Christmas one month before. That was my inheritance. I'm happy for it, and I wish the same for my kids. I'll gladly give while I'm alive, but these estate issues are a nightmare.

My maternal grandmother died completely broke, all that was left was personal belongings. It made it all very easy. I had a coworker tell me that he encouraged his mother, after his father died, to live her life and spend her money, after she expressed concerns about leaving some for him and his siblings. His attitude that if she left little or nothing that would be the best thing, no drama, no hassle.

[Teacher Terry]

So glad it’s finally getting resolved.

[Tybee]

It is so great that she got the work done on the house and it is actually ready to sell.

She may be unnerved as the attorney said, but it would probably help the situation if you could express appreciation to her of all the effort that she did put in, and express positivity about the special trustee situation.

Looking forward to how you will be related in the future, and whether you will see each other or be in each other's lives, some kindness towards her now may really help you in the future.

Just my thoughts, based on how I am trying to approach a similar situation with siblings.

[NewGig]

Amongst other things, my sister dragging our dads estate out 10 years is part of but not all the reason we don’t talk and I expect not to for the rest of our lives.

My sis is passive aggressive and my ptsd can’t cope with that, actually that’s the largest piece.

I can deal with a lot of her behaviors but the insistence that my opinion is invalid or less just doesn’t fly, and it pushes my abuse button and triggers the ptsd.

She’s not worth it; any money or stuff isn’t worth that. And, because she sees her value in $/high status stuff, there’s no middle ground. The equation became really simple — a flashback can cost me 2 weeks. Is this person, place or thing worth that? So far the answer has always been no!

[Tybee]

Amongst other things, my sister dragging our dads estate out 10 years is part of but not all the reason we don’t talk and I expect not to for the rest of our lives.

My sis is passive aggressive and my ptsd can’t cope with that, actually that’s the largest piece.

I can deal with a lot of her behaviors but the insistence that my opinion is invalid or less just doesn’t fly, and it pushes my abuse button and triggers the ptsd.

She’s not worth it; any money or stuff isn’t worth that. And, because she sees her value in $/high status stuff, there’s no middle ground. The equation became really simple — a flashback can cost me 2 weeks. Is this person, place or thing worth that? So far the answer has always been no!

Absolutely, everyone's experience is different. I was basing my observation on my own family dynamics and how I want to proceed in the future, to protect myself as much as possible. As are you, and as is the OP.
Good luck, OP!

[Teacher Terry]

Once both my parents passed I have no contact with my brother and email my sister. If I go to Wisconsin I see her for lunch. No great loss.

[saguaro]

Absolutely, everyone's experience is different. I was basing my observation on my own family dynamics and how I want to proceed in the future, to protect myself as much as possible. As are you, and as is the OP.
Good luck, OP!

@Tybee I get what you were saying. Honestly in trying to navigate this, one thing I have kept in mind is while I will not be seeing my sister in the foreseeable future who knows what will happen long term. Right now, I can not be around her for my own well being, nor can YS. MS will be angry for a very long time which will prevent any sort of relationship until she gets to a point where she can resolve that. Even so, I have acknowledged to people the work she has done, in spite of her delaying and stalling. I have made a point of not sharing with the extended family about this situation or YS' contact with MS' attorney earlier this year, nor AFAIK are they aware that MS and YS are estranged. I have done this for a reason because there may come a time when MS decides she wants a relationship with her family. In getting our attorney I had to accept the possibility that my relationship with MS may be completely over because of this but at the same time I won't do anything to make things worse, keeping my actions only to what is absolutely necessary.

By way of background, she has always been difficult, angry, passive aggressive, and let's just say honesty was an "option" for her. My folks didn't know what to do with her and finally I think they just threw up their hands. I left home when I was 24 and she was 22. One advantage of moving out (certainly not the main reason) was that I didn't have to worry about her invading my and YS space and "borrowing" our things, including losing some important pieces of jewelry that I safeguarded for years. She would always deny these doing these things and my folks pretty much didn't do anything about it. I honestly worried less about losing possessions to dicey neighbors in my first apartment building than I was with her around. YS has a more difficult history with her as both remained in the family home for 10 years after I left.

Over the years, I only saw her on a social level (family events etc.) but only 5 years ago, when my mother slid into her final illness, did I have closer dealings with her and saw how she really operates. I overlooked a lot for the sake of helping our parents. What finally did it for me was recently learning that she had a part in withholding important information from me about our mother's condition while scolding me for not doing enough. We were in a middle of a crisis and she still had the energy to play these "communication games' that she continued to employ while handling the estate. YS has had her own issues with her over the years as well. YS recently told me that the feeling she gets from MS for us as sisters is contempt.

Dealing with her has been hard, to the point that I finally set up a counseling appointment to go over all this and guide me for how to navigate in the future.

[Tybee]

I had to do that, go to counselling, to deal with family dynamics around parents. It is terribly stressful.

It helped, even though the counselor predicted worse things in the future. Turns out, counselor was spot on. So it helped me to protect myself.

[Simplemind]

Saguaro your sister sounds like a narcissist. There is no reasoning with them, they are missing the parts.

[saguaro]

Saguaro your sister sounds like a narcissist. There is no reasoning with them, they are missing the parts.

Both YS and I think she's got some very serious issues going on. Narcissist has come to my mind as being one of them.

Still waiting on the special trustee documentation with MS' signature from her attorney which gives me the green light to proceed.