SM, what a great story!
SM, what a great story!
Wanted to chime in with the story of a former co-worker. He was in his early 40s and divorced, no kids. He met and married a teacher his same age who was also divorced, no kids. But they each had serious hobbies: hers was with animals, his was with electronics. To the point that their former suitors had a real problem with the time each of these 2 had devoted to those hobbies. So when they met, and realized they could be happy together and give the other person their space to devote to those hobbies, it would all work out. And it has, they've been married now 10+ years.
My point there is to say it's not a dealbreaker if the other person doesn't like your same non-work activities, it's if the other person is also engaged in life with their own hobbies and activities or life in general and is happy to let you devote the time you want to yours.
Lainey, with the amount of time I devote to diving, yes, a non-diver would not be a good fit. All day both weekend days from early April to late October. Friends tried to set me up with a guy last year. He was nice enough, but he also had NO hobbies of his own. He sat in front of the TV. Doesn’t even read. No, thank you.
Just shared Hobby thing: There’s a curse and a blessing.
DH and I are always running around to garden centers, nurseries talking about this, buying that, planning planting jobs etc. Especially this time of year, we have a lot to talk about it in the shared projects. But the flipside is that we will have ideas about the planting project and we have to negotiate how things get done because his ideas are often different than mine. Then we have arguements about whose garden maintenance duties belong to whom.
Then there is of course a shared land problem – who gets this part of the land? Who gets that part?
So shared hobbies means sharing. Sharing is hard. We learned the basics when we were five years old but not sure it gets easier!
When my husband and I met 21 years ago we both loved to hike in the mountains. P The past 10 years I have not been able to go because of my health conditions. I still take long walks with him in town. Now he hikes alone and it’s not a big deal. I don’t think shared hobbies are important as long as you give each other space to be who they are. My friends have been married 50 years and he goes to lots of car shows on the weekends and my friend prefers to stay home with her 8 rescued poms. They are very happy together.
DW and I were looking purposely for a relationship (we met on a dating Web site). But both of us had been on our own long enough that we had our own complete lives -- fulfilling careers, interests, family relationships, as many friends as we wanted,... We tell people one of the secrets of our marriage is that we did not have to be married (or in a committed relationship) -- not just to each other, but to anyone. We were happy enough with life as it was -- being with someone special would just make that life better. And so it has.
We have developed mutual friends and interests over time but we still allow each other the time the other wants to pursue his or her own interests without guilt. This would extend to financial resources, too (there are some mighty expensive hobbies out there but we don't have them). Obviously there is negotiation at times and the time commitment required at times is at levels we would not want to sustain for very long. But we really try to remember that we were both fully grown people when we met, not like the "bookend" couples we knew in high school and college who didn't seem to exist outside of each other's presence. In my first marriage, XW defined time spent "together" only when we were doing the same thing (watching TV, traveling, etc.). Now, DW and I will sit in the living room on a given night; she may be watching TV and I may be reading or paying bills, but we're still available to each other. It's "together" time even if we're not always doing the same activity.
I guess that puts us in the "wasn't looking when it happened" crowd (even though we kind of were looking).
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington
Sure have a separate hobby maybe, but there seems practical difficulties if you don't want to go to the same things together. I mean I don't even see my boyfriend that many days on weekdays (usually about 1). I already commute 2 hours a day for work, we usually meet in the middle rather than each others place on weekdays, and still it's more commuting even to meet in the middle, and we're tired. And if you don't do things together on the weekends either then, well what kind of a relationship is even left at that point? We do things together on weekends, spend a lot of time together then, and we talk on the phone. So saying there is no trade offs between relationships and hobbies etc. uh no.
Trees don't grow on money
Most people are living together so they have evenings together also. When my stepsons were young teens my husband was one of the youth leaders for a group so they were gone a lot. I only participated occasions because I had been there done that with my kids previously. My friend’s husband skied in winter and golfs in summer. She has her own hobbies and grandchildren that she enjoys.
Well if you want to live together then only date within a 10 mile radius (but even then jobs may force that arrangement to end when you have to take jobs all over. Are you prepared to sacrifice your ability to earn a living on the alter of a relationship is also a question to ask oneself. I don't think I am.). I work this job because it's what I can find. My boyfriend works his for the same reason. He keeps his apartment as well because it's nearer work (we probably work but don't live, 40-50 miles apart), and because it's rent controled (yea, you don't give that up easily).
Trees don't grow on money
My husband and I would make sure there were jobs in our fields for both of us before making a move. When I finished graduate school there were no jobs for me locally so I found a job and the kids and I moved. He applied for jobs and moved when he found one.
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