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Thread: Loving and leaving our home

  1. #11
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkytoe View Post
    To this day, I still whine a bit internally after moving so far away from my "identity." It remains an effort to stay in the present as I think about what we left and what the future might hold by staying here; those thoughts can take up way too much space. It has been three years next fall and though I could continue to make a life here (and have), DH is struggling - misses his family, his food, his "home". I too miss being close to our new grand-twins but know too many seniors whose whole life revolves around grandchildren and I like a bit of distance (maybe not this much though). I have made a very intentional effort to belong HERE with volunteer groups, classes, book club etc. Haven't made any real friends but met lots of nice people with common interests who I enjoy being with. I love seeing Pike's Peak everyday and would miss that terribly. We briefly considered renting our beloved house to DD before we moved but the taxes alone would have made the rent to cover prohibitive for them plus it wasn't big enough for 100 lb dogs, twins, chickens and all their stuff. And we needed the cash to buy here. Our stuff is minimal as I don't function well with clutter - I am constantly tossing and organizing. With this experience behind me, my belief is that it takes a minimum of two years to feel more at ease with your decision. New things become more familiar and the old slowly fades. I have no regrets for trying this even though there is a good possibility we will move back. That's the thing - circumstances will always change and we can adapt. Better to have tried then to wonder what if. Sounds like in your case, renting to family would allow a little bridge for not letting go completely.
    Thanks, pinkytoe, this is helpful, just knowing that I need to expect the unexpected with regard to emotions and also possible change of mind. I don't think I'd ever move back to NJ permanently. I also worry a little that now we have this whole constellation of medical care in NJ, and we have access to really good doctors and hospitals right where we are. So I foresee following up twice a year by coming down here and then handling potential emergency situations in VT.

    Funny thing is, I never considered NJ to be my "identity." When I went to my nephew's wedding in Minnesota, some people commented that I don't have a Jersey accent, which I was VERY grateful to hear. I've always considered myself a New Englander, which is one check mark in favor of our. new life in VT. I still don't really identify with my neighbors. It's just my house I like.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  2. #12
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    I can relate, Cath. DH and I had earlier talked about selling and moving nearer the 'kids' but we preferred to stay. We were finally home after moving around with his job. DH said that he wanted to go out of the house 'feet first' and had his wish.

    I left (my dream since age 10) farm on which DH and I had built our simple little house and his shed, planted a 1/4 bushel of daffodils , developed gardens including a long row of peonies, a large pink magnolia, the pin oak tree and the columnar English oak started from an acorn; add in the 55 acre woodlot we walked daily filled with trilliums, trout lilies, spring beauties, may apples, wild ginger, turkeys and deer and the 15 acres of trees we had planted; add in the collection of wild birds that visited out gardens every year. After DH passed, it was too much work for one person and I knew that I would need to move within the next five years. After a massive snowy winter and a downpour when the ground was frozen triggering 24 hour monitoring of the sump pump on my own with power outages complicating the pumping, I made the decision to move.

    Things then unfolded beautifully.

    I found my little house in the neighbourhood of my choice and the price of houses has since leaped so the timing was good. My family and friends are still the same and my new dog completes the scene as my 'cuddle bug'. My gardens are so much simpler and easy to maintain but flourishing. I am looking forward to a significant bloom on my service berry and redbud trees this spring as the buds are starting to show colour.

    Change is always a challenge to cope with even if it is the wisest step to take. What I have found helpful is regularly counting and cherishing the blessings of the old and savouring the new. I now can walk to everything I need. I am able to go swimming in the local pool every day year-round. I can walk and greet neighbours and their dogs creating a whole new circle of acquaintances/friends. I truly love my little house and its convenience. I am prepared and settled for the next stage of my life however long that lasts.

    You and your DH will find your comfy niche as well. While I think that it is wonderful that your son is renting your house, I am concerned that the revenue from the sale of the home is not yours right now but if or when they buy, it will work out. Nothing in life is guaranteed, is it?
    Thanks for your encouraging story, razz. Yes, I know intellectually that when you let go of things you very often find yourself in a much better place. It's just the letting go that's hard. My son wrote a song called Rope Burn which is such a wonderful metaphor.

    And I’ll hang on
    And I will start to learn
    That there's no shame
    in getting a little rope burn

    And things have changed
    But it’s OK
    You will learn to deal with what comes next
    It’s the start of something great
    It's the start of something great
    It's the start of something great
    It's the start of something great
    With a brand new day!
    You've got a brand new day
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  3. #13
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    We i’ve been in this house for 30 years and DH made everything that I see when I look around: the cabinets the woodwork install drywall he did all the painting this is all his work so it will be hard to leave.

    Also this time of year the garden is so gorgeous it is hard to leave that.

    catherine, it is nice that your son has this opportunity but I hope he concludes his business quickly To buy this house within a couple of years. If I remember correctly he cannot afford this house thru conventional means, so I’m not sure where the money comes from to buy it from you. A formal rental agreement is nice but since you will never kick him out I wonder about the utility of it.
    Yeah, when you put your heart, soul, and sweat equity into something, it is hard to leave.

    And you are so right about the garden!!! My Japanese maple is gorgeous, and my English thyme, hydrangea, catmint, lavender and peonies are well on their way. So when I pull up to the house, I'm thinking, this is one nice looking house!
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  4. #14
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Thanks for the practical advice, everyone. I feel that there are risks, but again, there are also benefits. So I'm willing to bet that my son won't screw me over.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  5. #15
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    I don’t think your son will screw you over. But if after a few years if he cannot afford to buy it then what?

  6. #16
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    I don’t think your son will screw you over. But if after a few years if he cannot afford to buy it then what?
    I told him he has 3 years. When I'm 70, I'm going to collect Social Security and then ease off of work and then I want to cash out of that house for sure.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  7. #17
    Senior Member jp1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post

    Funny thing is, I never considered NJ to be my "identity." When I went to my nephew's wedding in Minnesota, some people commented that I don't have a Jersey accent, which I was VERY grateful to hear.
    While I also don't have a Jersey accent (I grew up in denver with parents from SW Missouri and western Kansas so if anything I've got an Oklahoma twang thing happening) I love a good Jersey accent. One of my favorite people on this planet was born in Korea, and adopted as an infant by Polish-Americans in Bayonne. So she has a Polish name, is a chubby, short Asian woman, and has a thick Jersey accent. And she's got one of the bubbliest personalities of anyone I know. Her accent is what pulls the whole package together and makes her so awesome and adorable!

  8. #18
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    Catherine, that’s perfect. It makes total sense to me.

  9. #19
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I know how you feel. Someday, maybe feet first, I'll leave this house--which I won't miss a bit--and this area, which I love with all my heart. But my family--what's left of it--and my small circle of friends all live in Oregon, so...When I think of spiffy new digs, I cheer up--until I think of where it will be located, and my heart sinks. It's not like Portland and its surroundings are so bad, it's that the Seattle Eastside is so exceptionally good.

  10. #20
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JaneV2.0 View Post
    I know how you feel. Someday, maybe feet first, I'll leave this house--which I won't miss a bit--and this area, which I love with all my heart. But my family--what's left of it--and my small circle of friends all live in Oregon, so...When I think of spiffy new digs, I cheer up--until I think of where it will be located, and my heart sinks. It's not like Portland and its surroundings are so bad, it's that the Seattle Eastside is so exceptionally good.
    I did a lot of research in Kirkland/Bellevue on Lake Washington. It's beautiful there.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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