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Thread: Loving other people’s kids

  1. #1
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    Loving other people’s kids

    It is so hard.

    the graduation week has started. Every year I forget and then every year they leave, and every year I cry. I told dh “sometimes I wish I didn’t love them.” And he just said “no you don’t.”

    today i I said goodbye for the last time to an amazing young man I met 5 years ago. I cried in class and he scolded me for making him want to cry. Then I cried all the way home.

    i could never be a foster parent. I think it would kill me. I am in awe of people who can do that well.

  2. #2
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    I totally get it CL. When I was a social worker I cried over some of the kids on my caseload. Especially the last day when I said goodbye to them.

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    I got teary eyed leaving some of my coworkers of two years for a new position. It can happen with adults too.

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    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    It is so hard.

    the graduation week has started. Every year I forget and then every year they leave, and every year I cry. I told dh “sometimes I wish I didn’t love them.” And he just said “no you don’t.”

    today i I said goodbye for the last time to an amazing young man I met 5 years ago. I cried in class and he scolded me for making him want to cry. Then I cried all the way home.

    i could never be a foster parent. I think it would kill me. I am in awe of people who can do that well.
    I agree. I did think about fostering at one point but knew I couldn't cope with letting go. A whole class of young ones starting out must be hard to let go.

    Even with my own kids, I started letting go once they were born. I knew that they belonged to themselves and would lead their own lives. My role was to enable them to feel loved, supported, capable and ready for whatever came across their lives. They are wonderful people.

    I do get curious how some parents seem to live longterm in their children's lives telling them what, when, how to do everything even when they are adults. What happens when the parents are gone or make poor decisions for them?
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

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    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I've never been a teacher, but I can understand how you feel, CL. The closest I've come to loving and grieving the loss of other people's kids has been when my kids have broken up with boyfriends/girlfriends. Especially one them--I felt I was losing one of my own. Especially because you really can't continue a relationship with someone after a break-up or divorce--or at least it's not common.

    You must be a fantastic teacher to have so much love for your kids.

    I've always loved this quote from the play/movie Marvin's Room:

    Bessie: Oh, Lee, I've been so lucky. I've been so lucky to have Dad and Ruth. I've had such love in my life. You know, I look back, and I've had such... such love.
    Lee: They love you very much.
    Bessie: No, that's not what I mean. No, no... I mean that I love them. I've been so lucky to have been able to love someone so much.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    I’ve had people ask how we can foster dogs and say they can’t do that.We have the right temperament to take care of dogs and then give them up. Part of that is a mindset that you have to trust that the next home is decent. There’s been an incident or two where we placed dogs in homes that were not good homes and that haunts me.

    One foster mom illustrated the situation as: when you have your friends’ Children over for a play date, don’t you enjoy them? And aren’t you glad to see them go simultaneously? That is kind of like fostering dogs.

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    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    I’ve had people ask how we can foster dogs and say they can’t do that.We have the right temperament to take care of dogs and then give them up. Part of that is a mindset that you have to trust that the next home is decent. There’s been an incident or two where we placed dogs in homes that were not good homes and that haunts me.

    One foster mom illustrated the situation as: when you have your friends’ Children over for a play date, don’t you enjoy them? And aren’t you glad to see them go simultaneously? That is kind of like fostering dogs.
    My daughter has twice fostered dogs, twice given them up, and twice gotten them back.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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    People really need to be counseled before fostering. My mother-in-law fostered a baby/young child in their 30's and had to give it back to the bio parents. She is 87 and it still causes her issues.

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    We don’t foster dogs because my husband can’t give them up. I don’t know if I could or not. I met my best friend when her kids were 4 and 6. I became close to both of them and when her 19 year old daughter died from a rare liver disease after a transplant I really grieved. It’s hard 7 years later.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    I got teary eyed leaving some of my coworkers of two years for a new position. It can happen with adults too.
    That's me. There's been a couple of times where I cried while leaving jobs, not over the former job but over the people.

    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    I do get curious how some parents seem to live longterm in their children's lives telling them what, when, how to do everything even when they are adults. What happens when the parents are gone or make poor decisions for them?
    DH worked with a guy who was so involved i.e. emmeshed his mother that his life seemed to be just him and his mom while his spouse and child sat on the sidelines. When mom died a few years ago, we wondered how he was going to cope. He clearly was at loose ends, he is still married but he has no relationship with his kid who is now an adult.

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