I think if you are isolated except for spouse, family and your spouse dies emotionally things will be horrible. Everyone needs human contact and conversations. My main living areas are always presentable should anyone drop in.
I think if you are isolated except for spouse, family and your spouse dies emotionally things will be horrible. Everyone needs human contact and conversations. My main living areas are always presentable should anyone drop in.
I am an introvert by nature, but I do push myself to be more social. Especially if you are a woman, try picturing yourself in the situation that will sadly, but very likely come to pass, when your DH is no longer around (and of course most of us do outlive our parents). Who remains in your inner circle?
Watching things unfold with my MIL, I've decided the real question is "who would come to visit you if you were in a nursing home? To maybe bring you something good to eat or some books to read?"
My mom and FIL outlived all their friends. My mom had her younger sister left. A lot of my friends are younger than me which is good.
If my spouse dies, emotionally things will be horrible. I cannot imagine any depth or breadth of friendship that would change that. I have given my dh strict instructions not to die. The grandfather whom he physically resembles lived to 101. He outlived two wives and a girlfriend.
but someday we will be old, and we will live with my son. My daughter in law has promised to take care of me. We may live with them here if they decide to retire back to our farm - the girls think this is a great idea. They have offered to provide financial assistance.
Plans change....
catherine, how many boxes of documents do you have? I am not talking about a closet full of keepsakes or a packed garage. I have literally been fighting a battle against pathological hoarding for more than a decade. It is a long and difficult journey.
Here is the connection between my reluctance to go to lunch and my hoarding (also, i don’t want to go to lunch):
I have to remember to ask for no straw. If I get a straw, I will spend half of my energy during the meal trying to figure out if I will be able to leave it behind to be thrown in the trash or if I can discretely take it home to reuse for something. I need to make a careful choice about what to order based on portion size. If I mess up, I will have to eat more than I want (possibly to the point of discomfort or queasiness) or have leftovers. Leftovers have to go somewhere. if I forget my reusable container, I will be faced with an agonizing choice between wasting food and taking home a plastic or styrofoam container which I might not be able to discard. If I remember my reusable container I will have to deal with the judgement and possible embarrassment of my lunch date when I pull it out of my purse. I didn’t want to go out to lunch in the first place!
Portion sizes can be tricky. Can you hang out in the park with your friends so you see what you're getting from food trucks vs going to restaurants?
I don’t have friends.
i don’t want to hang out.
last week, I saw a coworker through a store window - I deliberately went in, said hi, and talked to her about a mutual student for about 10 minutes.
in February dh and I went out to dinner with another couple (the Christmas party couple) in March, we went for a short hike together and had beer and iced tea at a pub. Sunday, dh and I are going to see the play that the wife is in.
when I am taking pottery classes I talk to other people at the studio. I have been trying very hard to learn some names.
that covers non-family socialization for the calendar year if you don’t count conversations that take place at work or with people like library staff, checkout clerks, and craft fair customers.
Ok, I do have friends, but here is how my friendships work - people show up at my house, and I either stop what I am doing and visit with them, involve them in what I am doing and visit with them, or apologize and keep doing the thing I need to be doing.
i have a really good friend who lives in Cleveland. One summer she lived in my barn. When she is going to be driving down 71, she emails and asks to stop by or spend the night. If at all possible, I say yes. I buy some wine, she cooks some meat for my dh, we have a nice time. She leaves, and we don’t talk again until the next time she’s going to be driving down 71....
if I really like you, I will say you should come out to visit some time. I will say it many times. Maybe I will tell you when I have new baby goats (by e-mail) Eventually, an existing friend or one of my children will clue you in that you should actually just come to my house some time when you are bored.
I have had 2 best friends one is dead and one is alive. I have done caregiving. I really hope you rescind your request to your children. It’s a huge burden and they will suffer to fulfill your request.
I don't see what friendship has to do with caretaking at all. I mean if the caretaking is at all serious, friends do not sign up for that, and I think it would be crazy to expect them too.
Trees don't grow on money
Teacher Terry, you are falling into the “everyone is me” trap again. (What is the point of a couch with removable cushions if you aren’t going to build forts? - the first time my heart grandson vaulted over the back of my couch, flipped onto the seat and landed on the floor, I said “hang on! We need some blankets on the floor in front of the couch!)
i have made no requests. This is the plan my children have presented me with when caring for their grandparents comes up in conversation.
This is my plan:
My mother will care for my father, there is money for assistance, my father’s best friends are heath care professionals my age. When my father is gone, I HOPE my mother will move in with me. Dh says our next renovation project is “your mother’s room” He’s been calling it “your mother’s room” since the day our oldest left for college.
my mother cared for her parents in their home. For years. While living ten minutes away. There was a weekly maid and at the end there was hospice. My mother in-law never missed an opportunity to tell us (and on one horrible occasion my mother) that my mother was wasting her life and should put them in a care home. Mil has selected her assisted living/end of life care facility (she also put her father there) and if she doesn’t go when she has a choice I will have no hesitation or remorse sending her there when she doesn’t. Dh and his siblings may feel differently, but dh knows that if I am alive, she will not be moving to our area. (We live 9-11 hours away from the rest of his family) If my fil doesn’t move to the facility with mil while she is alive, he may be a concern. I know his hope is to fall while patching the roof and die instantly on impact or something similar.
as I said, plans change.
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