I am “socially isolated”

[CathyA]

Chicken lady, As I read through this, I feel your pain. I am a bit of a loaner and a bit of a hoarder. I analyze everything constantly. Many people just throw things out, without thinking at all. You and I analyze everything.......is this useful to someone, will this hurt the earth, is there someone on this earth who would enjoy having this thing, etc., etc. I still have my children's umbilical stumps and their baby teeth. It's been a long journey for me to be able to let go of things, so I can empathize with you.
What has worked for me a bit is to start slow. Look at a bunch of things you feel you really can't part with, and pick the lowest meaningful things. It's also good if you have a Goodwill store, or a place locally that accepts things for the disadvantaged. That always helps me......knowing that those things will benefit someone.

I think hoarding is a combination of several things.......heredity (DH and his family are hoarders), what you've been though in your life (some of our older parents hoarded because they went through the depression/war), and some of us hoard for emotional reasons. I think I need to eat all the time because my mother only fed me every 3-4 hours as an infant. I think what happens to us when we are very young has a much bigger impact on us as we go through life. What was your relationship with your parents like? Was your family poor? Did you parents substitute "things" for love? It can be very complicated. When I was young, I would save everything that I broke.......feeling like it would be sad/lonely if I threw it out. In actuality, I think I was putting the feelings I was having about me, onto all the objects around me. I'm just saying.......hoarding can be a very complicated issue.

One thing I've noticed in forcing myself to get rid of some things is that at first, I would have panic attacks on the way home from donating things........but I got over it. I still can't get rid of many things, but it has become easier to discriminate between really important things, and those things that are just feeding my insecurities.

What do you feel when you maybe try not to buy sugar on sale, even though you have a ton of it in storage already? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel excited? Have you tried not to buy it, or do you always give in to the urge?
I say start small and work from there. In my opinion, it's okay to think through what our trash will do to the earth. And if you can donate some of your things, start small and work up to bigger things. Just try to think of how it might help others.
Have you ever had counseling for your hoarding problem? Like I said, it can be a multi-faceted problem. It obviously is serving some need you have in you. And maybe if you investigated what that need might be, and other ways of filling it, it might help.
I'm not sure being more social would help. But I'm saying that as an un-social person. I think pushing myself to be more social would raise my anxiety and then I'd eat more. haha

Anyhow.......I do feel your pain and hope you can find a compromise that makes you feel better.

[Teacher Terry]

My dad had a massive stroke at 59 which totally changed his personality. He went from being happy go lucky life of the party that never swore to a very grumpy verbally abusive with a very foul mouth. He couldn’t help it. We bought the house next door and I helped my mom care for him for 14 years. We loved him but sometimes hated him. We taught the kids that you don’t desert someone because they are sick. We were relieved when he died. It took my mom about 5 years to miss him and then she missed the real old him not the sick one. If your mom dies first your dad doesn’t need to be watched like a child. It will be up to him to live the way he wants. It’s a burden to care for any old person. If you care for your mom you will find out. If her mind goes sometimes you won’t like her and then you will feel guilty. Fun times! My MIL was a hoarder with a filthy house with lots of friends. They knew and didn’t judge. She didn’t invite them over.

[Chicken lady]

i have a thing about counseling. I have talked about it here before.

intellectually I understand exactly what is happening with me and why. I still have to work through it and it is still hard (just like intellectually you can understand why you are fat and out if shape and what you have to do to change it, but you still have to address it every day and at every meal.)

I think going to a counselor would be like going to a nutritionist - you’d leave all psyched up with a plan, but then you still have to buy the food, cook, and stick to the menu. That’s the struggle. I’m good at plans. And I have an online support group I “talk” with every day.

i don’t buy sugar when I already have sugar, I buy a giant bag of sugar when I run out of sugar. Because it is cheaper per pound and uses the least packaging. Sometimes I get around this by having someone else (like dh) buy sugar. But eventually I find myself sugarless facing the giant bag on sale.... and then there we are for the next two years. It’s just one of many examples.

again, I have a support group. I was really wondering about the social thing. Pretty much everybody in my support group is a socially isolated introvert (that’s why we joined a support group full of people we don’t have to see or hear who are accessible from our house 24/7)

[Chicken lady]

Teacher Terry, I missed your post.

so, all the friends didn’t help. But she didn’t invite them over....

so maybe it's the inviting over.

which is actually the optimal friend experience for me, because I don’t have to leave my comfort zone. Except, nobody wants to come out here. I have to lure them with baby animals.

[Teacher Terry]

No but she had a happy life and great friends. Through the years all of them had been there. She was one of 5 children with a divorced mother that was a waitress. No money for toys, etc. Very poor but loving mom. She was trying to fill that hole. She over bought food to.

[iris lilies]

Teacher Terry, I missed your post.

so, all the friends didn’t help. But she didn’t invite them over....

so maybe it's the inviting over.

which is actually the optimal friend experience for me, because I don’t have to leave my comfort zone. Except, nobody wants to come out here. I have to lure them with baby animals.

Baby goats are indeed a valuable tool for luring visitors.

Only tangentially related—DH’s father died last December. Hours later, DH’s brother and DH worked with a mother goat to deliver 4 kids. It provided A death-to-life message on his FB page and many people commented, of course! because baby goats!

For several days two of the four were borderline living (were taken into the farmhouse and nursed) but then they died. Then, surprisingly, the other two died, the ones that looked like they were out of the woods from the beginning.

The goats are always a perk of visiting his family farm.

[catherine]

The percentage of people out there who would neither try to fix me or enable me has got to be small.

This is such a great insight. Accepting people for who they are without trying to fix or enable is difficult, especially if you love them and you feel you know what's best for them. But people aren't projects, and no one is going to be happy being made to feel like one.

[Teacher Terry]

No one tried to fix my MIL. Her friends just accepted her as did we. Maybe you are underestimating people. Forums are different than real friends in that way I think.

[Chicken lady]

Forums are different than real friends in what way?

i do much better with people on forums.

People on forums understand that I cannot read their tone of voice or facial expression.
real life does not allow you time to read back over your words and edit before sharing them.
people on forums are more likely to ask for/accept clarification.
people on forums cannot see me, so I can read their words and go away and come back later.
people on forums are not offended if this is a bad time for social interaction and I go do something else.

[iris lilies]

Forums are different than real friends in what way?

i do much better with people on forums.

People on forums understand that I cannot read their tone of voice or facial expression.
real life does not allow you time to read back over your words and edit before sharing them.
people on forums are more likely to ask for/accept clarification.
people on forums cannot see me, so I can read their words and go away and come back later.
people on forums are not offended if this is a bad time for social interaction and I go do something else.

I have no interest in fixing my friends, what am I, your mother? I want self actualized, mentally and physically healthy friends who are successful in life. While we all have our weaknesses, I am not looking to get involved in anyone’s life to prop them up. This is, of course, changing as we all get older and our health declines.

CL I,wouldn't want to give you advice but I would judge the hell out of your hoarding, silently. Sorry, just sayin’. Yet a beloved cousin of mine is a hoarder. Has always been that since he was a kid. I am kinder to him because he is in my inner circle AND it seems highly unlikely
I will ever have to deal with his hoard..