Lots Of Feelings This Month

[SiouzQ.]

Another day of profound lack of energy. I had the day off so I spent with the boyfriend; went and bummed around Santa Fe for a while but all in all didn't do much.

I think my body is just going through a reaction to all the medical stuff lately aside from having the wrist surgery last Thursday (anesthesia and a nerve block), I have been on a variety of painkillers and muscle relaxers for my other problem. Plus I became a medical marijauna patient, got my card and have been experimenting with ingestables. No wonder I feel really out of whack lately. I actually haven't been drinking that much lately but I have been thinking about all the crap I have been putting in my body (as I sit here and eat ice cream).

I find it really hard to sit here with my feelings. I don't feel like socializing, I can't make any art or play guitar yet, I feel too tired to take a walk again after walking around town. What I need to do is sit down and be happy with reading a book and watching Netflix. I really have to get OUT OF MY HEAD! Or maybe I'll clean for a while.

[lmerullo]

Virtual hugs and good wishes to you, SQ.

Please take as much rest as you can, you'd be amazed at how it restores both body and soul.

[KayLR]

Virtual hugs, SiouzQ....I feel ya. Sounds like you need a change of scenery. Or someone (professional) to talk to....please be kind to yourself. You're at that anniversary---you're bound to have a reaction.

[Yppej]

The other thread about causes of death showed people underestimate how common drug overdoses are. Have you ever gone to Nar Anon or another support group? It may be helpful to get together with others who have gone through what you have. I attended a group for awhile and there were several people who had lost family members and found the meetings helpful. And it would be something to do that isn't physically strenuous.

[SiouzQ.]

I just wanted to let you all know that the past two days I have been feeling a bit better. I got some good, long sleep the other night which helped a lot. I am not in as much pain either; the wrist is healing pretty well and I was even able to pick up my guitar yesterday (with the right hand only) yet still play. The wrist is stiff but playing is good physical therapy, physically and mentally.

Right now I am getting ready to go down to Albuquerque and undergo anesthesia for the second time in seven days so the colo-rectal surgeon can give me Botox injections and check out that area without me screaming. Thank god for modern medicine! I am healing lately but it is SO hard to get into see a specialist in New Mexico that I am absolutely going through with this today instead of waiting for another acute episode of extreme pain. The plus side too is that I have hit my out-of-pocket expenses already and insurance pays 100% now until the end of the year.

[razz]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better. Take care of yourself and treat yourself to something special, even something small that you have wanted to do for a while.

[beckyliz]

Thinking of you, SiouzQ. Be gentle with yourself - eat good food, get some more good sleep. Talk to a therapist. Pray if you do that or meditate outside if a beautiful, quiet spot. Don't rush your grief or your healing.

[SiouzQ.]

Today (the day one year ago in which my entire world as I knew it ruptured, shook and crumbled around me) actually went pretty well. My boyfriend and I went up to the cemetery in the morning with an 80 lb. bag of cement and the newly finished, absolutely beautiful iron marker my friend the blacksmith made and dug a hole in the ground in front of a nice, healthy cholla cactus bush, facing the western sunset, and placed the marker in the newly poured cement. In the next week I will go up to the mesa and work on the landscaping around the marker and prepare it for her birthday that is on June 26th. That is the day I would like to place her remaining ashes in the ground.

After we finished the concrete work in the morning, we drove down to Albuquerque and went to an estate sale a friend of ours was putting on (didn't buy anything) and generally just drove around a very nice, cute neighborhood looking at the little adobe bungalows from the '40's. Ate lunch, went to another favorite antique store and then drove home. I just wanted to be busy today and away from Madrid and the droves of tourists. When I got home I sat on the deck and watched the hummingbirds while I worked on dispersing her remaining ashes into a few little packets, and put some in a beautiful green glass Art Nouveau perfume bottle with sterling overlay that I inherited from my great aunt a long time ago; the remainder will go up to the cemetery next week. I left myself a few small packets to be able to disperse in a few more special places but I will be pretty much done with my ritual by the end of the summer.

Then I went to the store and bought a pint of really chocolat-y ice cream. I am okay. Teary, but okay.

[razz]

Glad to hear that you had support and got through the day with good experiences to enjoy.

[iris lilies]

What an appropriate and lovely plan for your daughter’s ashes! Our thoughts are with you.