I don't even know where to start exactly, so much has happened this year and so much is happening. Tonight is a rare night I am not hanging out with my boyfriend. I am tired, so, so tired.
One thing on my mind is it is almost the year anniversary of my daughter's death. I was just gifted (well, it was a trade, she got a ring of mine) her memorial marker made by a local blacksmith. We spoke in January about it and we came up with a design and it turned out so fabulous. But due to my recent (last Thursday) wrist surgery and another different procedure next week that involves anesthesia again, getting the marker up to the local cemetary and set into Quikrete and actually landscaping the place I want to put the majority of her ashes doesn't feel like it is going to happen on the time table that I had planned. I wanted it to be all done in time for what would have been her 27th birthday on June 26th. My boyfriend is having shoulder issues so we are both kind of laid up. But I also feel like I am balking at the idea of being "done" with that part of the grieving process.
Another thing on my mind is that I am HOMESICK for Michigan. It is hard to admit in a way, but I am. Sometimes I miss the boring normalcy of just punching in the time clock and not having so much time to think. The tourist season has been slow to get started and I have so much time being stuck at home and being in the gallery. When it is busy, it is a lot more fun and the day passes by a lot faster. When I am recovering from medical stuff and I hurt and it's slow and my left hand is under a weight restriction (can't pick up anything heavier than a coffee cup for the next two weeks), that means I can't make jewelry, or play my guitar. I can barely knit right now.
I know I am just kvetching but I need to get it out. I'm also very sad and feel rootless somehow tonight, wondering what it all means. I am sick of going to the tavern and drinking, I am sick of all the medical crap and sick of the weight I have gained and how physically weak I feel. I don't know how to get back to a place where I feel strong and invincible, like the way I used to feel.
I am glad I will be going back to Michigan for a visit in five and a half weeks. On the surface I look like I am handling things well, but it is really hitting me tonight. I am going to make myself go take a walk so I can try to get out of this funk I am in. Thank you for listening.