Lots Of Feelings This Month

[SiouzQ.]

I don't even know where to start exactly, so much has happened this year and so much is happening. Tonight is a rare night I am not hanging out with my boyfriend. I am tired, so, so tired.

One thing on my mind is it is almost the year anniversary of my daughter's death. I was just gifted (well, it was a trade, she got a ring of mine) her memorial marker made by a local blacksmith. We spoke in January about it and we came up with a design and it turned out so fabulous. But due to my recent (last Thursday) wrist surgery and another different procedure next week that involves anesthesia again, getting the marker up to the local cemetary and set into Quikrete and actually landscaping the place I want to put the majority of her ashes doesn't feel like it is going to happen on the time table that I had planned. I wanted it to be all done in time for what would have been her 27th birthday on June 26th. My boyfriend is having shoulder issues so we are both kind of laid up. But I also feel like I am balking at the idea of being "done" with that part of the grieving process.

Another thing on my mind is that I am HOMESICK for Michigan. It is hard to admit in a way, but I am. Sometimes I miss the boring normalcy of just punching in the time clock and not having so much time to think. The tourist season has been slow to get started and I have so much time being stuck at home and being in the gallery. When it is busy, it is a lot more fun and the day passes by a lot faster. When I am recovering from medical stuff and I hurt and it's slow and my left hand is under a weight restriction (can't pick up anything heavier than a coffee cup for the next two weeks), that means I can't make jewelry, or play my guitar. I can barely knit right now.

I know I am just kvetching but I need to get it out. I'm also very sad and feel rootless somehow tonight, wondering what it all means. I am sick of going to the tavern and drinking, I am sick of all the medical crap and sick of the weight I have gained and how physically weak I feel. I don't know how to get back to a place where I feel strong and invincible, like the way I used to feel.

I am glad I will be going back to Michigan for a visit in five and a half weeks. On the surface I look like I am handling things well, but it is really hitting me tonight. I am going to make myself go take a walk so I can try to get out of this funk I am in. Thank you for listening.

[dado potato]

I hope your moon and stars are as bright as those in my sky tonight.

Last summer I made an awesome visit to MI: Ludington, Manistee, Beulah, Bear Dunes Park & Islands. Saw an incredibly old white cedar tree on the island.

… Michigan seems like a dream to me now.
It took me four days to hitch-hike from Saginaw...
--Paul Simon

[sweetana3]

This is the perfect place to just lay it all out. You have faced so much this year.

[catherine]

This is the perfect place to just lay it all out. You have faced so much this year.

I agree.. not much to say except our hearts are with you.

[razz]

Sioux Q, we all have these feelings at times but you have had to cope with a whole lot more than usual. It feels like it is going to last forever but, one day, after it feels like the clouds have shrouded the mountains for ages, suddenly, there they are in full view with the sun shining on them.

Kvetch away. Hugs.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

SiouzQ, please don't feel bad about sharing your feelings, they need to pour out at times.
Your words: "But I also feel like I am balking at the idea of being "done" with that part of the grieving process." I think you are referring to placing the marker at your daughter's memorial. I agree that is a another step along the way, but it won't end any part of the grieving process as such, just another acknowledgement and ritual that you will do. I found that the first year anniversary unsettling to me. I had built up in my mind so much hope that the turning of a whole year would somehow bring a "change", a lessening of the grief. No so - that's not enough time. So don't have false expectations as I did that things would magically be better - it is a let down. But, that being said, time will bring a healing. Not complete, but better. Not stable (as in grief is gone, the sadness never happens anymore), but in more days that are better than not.
A couple of weekends ago I sat here at my kitchen table one night and was so lonely I didn't feel like I wanted to go on. I looked into the future and could see no reason to continue in this life - nothing to look forward to except more of being alone. Then in comparison, there are times, (last night being one of them), where a beautiful peace descents over my home and as Leonard Cohen said "Like a blessing come from heaven, for something like a second, I am healed and my heart is at peace".

[iris lilies]

OP, the stuff you have had to deal with this year is extraordinary. You are doing well in these trials. Keep plowing through it because I think it will get better for you.

[Teacher Terry]

This past year has been so hard for you. I have 2 friends that have lost children. It’s the hardest thing that you will ever go through. My middle son is a drug addict and I wouldn’t be surprised if he dies.

[JaneV2.0]

Sometimes it seems life comes at you like balls from a pitching machine, and there's nothing you can do about it. I try to brace myself with the idea that "this, too shall pass," but that's cold comfort when you're in the thick of it.

[pinkytoe]

I can only imagine the pain of losing a child. To get through it must take great strength. I completely get the homesickness. The novelty of the new place wears off and home beckons. I think you should listen to the inner voice about the drinking as you would feel physically better by cutting back and that would help with clearer thinking about where you are in life and positive next steps. What about just moving to Santa Fe?