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Thread: The final frontier of dating: Single parents.

  1. #21
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    A friend once told Dd “your parents will never get divorced. They are too weird to ever date anyone else.”

    there was the set of men I could live happily with, and there was the set of men I could be happy raising children with, and there was the intersection - I am 50. Dh is the only person I have ever met (single or married to someone else) who fit in the intersection.

    my children are grown now, so my options would be wider - I think expanding to single moms is a good idea. Also, how would you feel about having a minimalist ultralight space and a normie/cluttery space in your home? Like, if she wanted to travel out of a backpack with you, but also store a bunch of crap for her kids in the basement and have a messy craft room in the house and decorations in the living room and a full closet?

  2. #22
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    A friend once told Dd “your parents will never get divorced. They are too weird to ever date anyone else.”

    there was the set of men I could live happily with, and there was the set of men I could be happy raising children with, and there was the intersection - I am 50. Dh is the only person I have ever met (single or married to someone else) who fit in the intersection.

    my children are grown now, so my options would be wider - I think expanding to single moms is a good idea. Also, how would you feel about having a minimalist ultralight space and a normie/cluttery space in your home? Like, if she wanted to travel out of a backpack with you, but also store a bunch of crap for her kids in the basement and have a messy craft room in the house and decorations in the living room and a full closet?
    No offense, but you are not a normie. You are kind of a weirdo.

    So it makes sense to me that such a small percentage of the population would work for you romantically.

    Regarding the hypothetical single mom you refer to above:
    1. Does she have something like Borderline Personality Disorder?
    2. Can she pay half the rent?

  3. #23
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    I was speaking as a weirdo - hence a comparable set of options....

    Suppose she can pay half the rent and she suffers from something like ptsd or depression that is basically controlled with therapy and meds?

  4. #24
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    I am 40 now, and mostly invisible to quality women. They literally look right through me.
    I was 42 when I was divorced and more popular with women than I ever was in my teens or 20s -- and it's not because I made oodles of money or looked any more like George Clooney.

    Some of it was me: I was older; I had thought more about life; I had softened some stances I'd taken in life (the divorce pushed me to re-evaluate pretty much every assumption I ever made); I had a much better sense of who I was (and who I did not want to be); I had a career; and I had quality people as friends.

    But some of it, tbh, was the women I met. I think many women I met now were thinking differently about what they wanted in a partner. The boyish behavior that was fun and exciting at 20-something became too much of a roller coaster ride. Being a "hunk" didn't make up for being immature or for an inability/unwillingness to change with life; that did not hold up well to sustaining a career or raising children. Some women learned that marriage was not reform school; they had no hope of changing their husband -- and they weren't interested in a guy who would want to change them. All of a sudden a guy who wasn't "cute" (or "cut") and who was emotionally and financially stable and didn't insist on going out with the local version of Kim Kardashian was a lot more interesting.

    Maybe that makes me a "normie". OK. I'm a normie in a happy stable marriage. We're still exploring the world together and we're still adjusting to some aspects of each other's personalities after more than a decade together. But that's what most people do. UL, while I know you have a strong conviction in many areas of your life -- discount them at your own peril -- you seem like a "normie" in a lot of respects -- you're not Clooney but you're not Moe Syszlak either; you've got a good sense of humor; you appreciate good food and art; you like dogs; you're definitely not hung up on owning an expensive car or being house-poor to show off. I don't know what-all you might want to change to attract more attention/dates but I would suggest some of the change centers on your notion that you're too many standard deviations from normal to attract anyone interesting. Maybe it's a matter of reframing your personal perception. Or maybe you're really done dating or hoping for an LTR. But I don't believe you're quite there yet.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  5. #25
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    I was speaking as a weirdo - hence a comparable set of options....

    Suppose she can pay half the rent and she suffers from something like ptsd or depression that is basically controlled with therapy and meds?
    Okay, one weirdo to another, you get it! haha

    PTSD or depression? I could probably live with her having this, depending how it manifests. I would prefer she just use medical mary jane though.

  6. #26
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    So, my description is loosely based on a couple of single moms I actually know who have no kids under ten, are not looking for a replacement father, and fit the 35-50 window. One has a loosely eastern based spirituality and the other is an atheist. As I am an extremely unsocial person, even the fact that I skew toward socializing with other weirdos makes your odds look better.

  7. #27
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    Saying that normal people can marry anyone and be happy is ridiculous. I think Steve is right that being older brings maturity and a better understanding of what’s important. If I had lived with my ex I would have realized we were incompatible. I lived with my husband for almost 6 years before we married. Like IL marital happiness involves compromise in that we both let our messy husbands have areas which they can trash. In return we have dogs when he would prefer to be pet free in our senior years. Totally worth it as we have so much fun together even after all these years.

  8. #28
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    I was 42 when I was divorced and more popular with women than I ever was in my teens or 20s -- and it's not because I made oodles of money or looked any more like George Clooney.

    Some of it was me: I was older; I had thought more about life; I had softened some stances I'd taken in life (the divorce pushed me to re-evaluate pretty much every assumption I ever made); I had a much better sense of who I was (and who I did not want to be); I had a career; and I had quality people as friends.

    But some of it, tbh, was the women I met. I think many women I met now were thinking differently about what they wanted in a partner. The boyish behavior that was fun and exciting at 20-something became too much of a roller coaster ride. Being a "hunk" didn't make up for being immature or for an inability/unwillingness to change with life; that did not hold up well to sustaining a career or raising children. Some women learned that marriage was not reform school; they had no hope of changing their husband -- and they weren't interested in a guy who would want to change them. All of a sudden a guy who wasn't "cute" (or "cut") and who was emotionally and financially stable and didn't insist on going out with the local version of Kim Kardashian was a lot more interesting.

    Maybe that makes me a "normie". OK. I'm a normie in a happy stable marriage. We're still exploring the world together and we're still adjusting to some aspects of each other's personalities after more than a decade together. But that's what most people do. UL, while I know you have a strong conviction in many areas of your life -- discount them at your own peril -- you seem like a "normie" in a lot of respects -- you're not Clooney but you're not Moe Syszlak either; you've got a good sense of humor; you appreciate good food and art; you like dogs; you're definitely not hung up on owning an expensive car or being house-poor to show off. I don't know what-all you might want to change to attract more attention/dates but I would suggest some of the change centers on your notion that you're too many standard deviations from normal to attract anyone interesting. Maybe it's a matter of reframing your personal perception. Or maybe you're really done dating or hoping for an LTR. But I don't believe you're quite there yet.
    Steve, I think it is great that you were successful in finding a partner!
    I also think that it is great that you were so popular.

    And I want to emphasize that I am not taking pot shots at normies.

    If you are a normie and it is working well for you, then norm it up daily!



    But being a child-free-by-choice, atheist, minimalist, teetotaler knocks me right out of normtown.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    Saying that normal people can marry anyone and be happy is ridiculous.
    Ooooooooookay! hahaha

  10. #30
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    I think the crazy high divorce rate shows that "normie" marriage partners aren't quite as interchangeable as you might think.

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