Originally Posted by
SteveinMN
When I divorced at 42 I knew if I were in a long-term romantic relationship again, it likely would be with someone who had kids. That wasn't a problem for me beyond the logistics of figuring out where I would fit in. But it did require a little consideration on my part. I seriously dated women with kids who were in college and with kids who were in primary school; women whose exes (the fathers) were actively in the picture and women whose exes were completely out of the picture. Some friends I didn't date were single mothers, as well, and discussed the challenges of dating as a single mom.
My takeaways:
- It's a little different if the children are grown up and out of the house, but a single mother will put her kids first. She has to -- in some cases, there is no other parent around. Be prepared for a child's sudden needs (illness, dating breakup, last-minute cupcakes, etc.) to supercede your needs. Understand mom's reticence to introduce you to her kids quickly; most parents do not want to parade an array of "overnight guests" before their kids and they're keenly aware of the message their sleepovers send when they're trying to teach their kids that sex is for committed relationships.
- Unless the children are very small and you and mom end up as long-term moved-in partners, you are not "dad". Most of these kids already have fathers and, even if they don't, mom has been handling the job long enough that some newbie is not going to step in and take on the role. That's not to say it won't ever happen. But it will be a mutual decision made by the children and by you over time -- and it won't happen if either side does not want it. Clearly if you see the 10-year-old playing with matches and mom is somewhere else, you do something. But a lot of the rest of childrearing will be off-limits to you unless you are invited to participate. I say that as the grandpa who did not have either parent to our grandkids, but as the one who's far more involved with all their lives than the bio-dads.
- You may not initially be received by the kids with open arms. My wife's (college-graduate) daughter stayed at arm's length from me at first -- partially because she did not know me (no, I didn't know her, either) and partially because she and mom had been a duo for about 20 years and my presence (especially as fiance/husband) challenged that. I think you will understand this particularly because, frankly, it's much the same if mom has a long-term pet. You're the interloper and now mom has someone else to whom she's giving time and attention. Just be aware of the dynamic.
- Even though you're not officially part of the kids' lives, they're not just furniture. An ex-gf and I are still friends and she still comments on the impression I made on her teenaged daughter when I brought flowers to dinner the first time I met the kids because daughter's birthday was a few days into the future. Take an interest, chat, and be available if/when they reach out to you.
Hope that helps.