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Thread: The final frontier of dating: Single parents.

  1. #31
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    I think it's the rigidity of your criteria/screening that is getting in the way.
    I'll bet all the happily partnered people on this forum could think of at least one thing about their partner that would not pass muster if they were writing a personal add looking for their ideal SO
    fwiw, when I was in my early 20's I actually did have a list. And then I met my husband after much dating, and he had almost nothing on the list. I struggled with this, but gave him a shot anyways.

    My lessons learned:

    1. What I thought would make me happy turned out to be inaccurate for the long term (at the time, I was highly concerned with upward mobility and joining the yuppie class- he was at a socio economic status significantly below where I was).

    2. People change and grow, and my husband now is not what he was then. Example: My spouse did not have a college education when I met him, but got one later, and turned out to be more intellectual than I had imagined. Being able to discuss events in depth is important to me. But I would have written him off just because I couldn't check off the box on him when we met.

    There was post UL several months ago that I had really objected to where you categorized a bunch of women as unsuitable just based on their photo in the ad. It seemed to me to be hasty and potentially inaccurate. You were ascribing values and behaviors to people just based upon their picture. Perhaps that works for you as a good screening device, but based on you saying its harder for you to find someone compatible, maybe you want to revisit this. Maybe /some/ of these women are not so clear cut in one category or another.

  2. #32
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa View Post
    I think the crazy high divorce rate shows that "normie" marriage partners aren't quite as interchangeable as you might think.
    I think that the remarriage rate -- and who they remarry -- lends credence to my point.

    I think it is more of a "I am sick of McDonalds, let's go to Burger King" type of a thing. haha

  3. #33
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    I think that the remarriage rate -- and who they remarry -- lends credence to my point.

    I think it is more of a "I am sick of McDonalds, let's go to Burger King" type of a thing. haha
    But a lot of people I know really struck gold the second time around.

  4. #34
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    But being a child-free-by-choice, atheist, minimalist, teetotaler knocks me right out of normtown.
    Maybe so. But what I really think knocks you out of normtown is rigidity.

    Atheist? Fine. Do you completely excise from any chance in your life even the lightly spiritual? The "CE Christian", found in church only on Christmas and Easter, more out of habit and social pressure than conviction? The New Ager who believes in the presence of spirit in all things, animate and inanimate, but would be okay with your belief that that does not exist? Maybe the teetotaler in you would choose not to become seriously involved with a woman who has a five-figure wine cellar in the basement of her house. But would it be okay if your potential beloved had a box of wine in the closet that she tapped for a glass after work each Friday -- and which she didn't care if you shared or not?

    Maybe because I'm a "normie" I just don't understand drawing so many hard lines and then commenting on how hard it is to move around inside that box. I understand that there are non-negotiables. But if there are too many non-negotiables, you end up empty-handed (and empty-bedded). If maintaining that binary "you are/you are not" sense of order in your life is worth sacrificing something that you've written here many times that you want, then sacrifice away. I guess one of my takeaways in getting bumped around in life is that there's damn little in life that's completely black or white. But you have to do you and you get to pay whatever price it takes for being you.

    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa
    But a lot of people I know really struck gold the second time around.
    I know I did. I like to think that both DW and I did the work to figure out who we were, what we wanted, and what we could "give" on. We both say we would never have gotten together had we met 20-30 years earlier. Neither one of us is 100% what the other would have conjured up by ourselves. But it works well -- even some of the stuff we had no clue about. DW never figured she'd become a fan of bluegrass music. I never figured I'd love being "Gwampa". There's a balance to being open and knowing what works/doesn’t work for you. But evolution does not happen without life deviating from the expected.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  5. #35
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    I am not neurotypical for a variety of reasons. However I would like someone that had a lot of typical qualities or tastes or interests. I would be more worried that they would not like me. Mostly I am okay with people doing what they like because I have an odd combination of interests. There is no way there is someone who will share the same ones. That means I am very open to other people and their interest, even if they are typical. One of my new friends is in the meditation community so we talk deeply, apparently he also loves football.

    People with baggage, well we all have it and we are all dealing with it the best we can. Baggage can be good stuff too (IMHO). Maybe their last relationship didn't work but they learned about themselves, or a new interest, or how to relate better? Not every relationship that ends (including ones that created a child) has negative baggage after all.

  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    When I divorced at 42 I knew if I were in a long-term romantic relationship again, it likely would be with someone who had kids. That wasn't a problem for me beyond the logistics of figuring out where I would fit in. But it did require a little consideration on my part. I seriously dated women with kids who were in college and with kids who were in primary school; women whose exes (the fathers) were actively in the picture and women whose exes were completely out of the picture. Some friends I didn't date were single mothers, as well, and discussed the challenges of dating as a single mom.

    My takeaways:

    - It's a little different if the children are grown up and out of the house, but a single mother will put her kids first. She has to -- in some cases, there is no other parent around. Be prepared for a child's sudden needs (illness, dating breakup, last-minute cupcakes, etc.) to supercede your needs. Understand mom's reticence to introduce you to her kids quickly; most parents do not want to parade an array of "overnight guests" before their kids and they're keenly aware of the message their sleepovers send when they're trying to teach their kids that sex is for committed relationships.

    - Unless the children are very small and you and mom end up as long-term moved-in partners, you are not "dad". Most of these kids already have fathers and, even if they don't, mom has been handling the job long enough that some newbie is not going to step in and take on the role. That's not to say it won't ever happen. But it will be a mutual decision made by the children and by you over time -- and it won't happen if either side does not want it. Clearly if you see the 10-year-old playing with matches and mom is somewhere else, you do something. But a lot of the rest of childrearing will be off-limits to you unless you are invited to participate. I say that as the grandpa who did not have either parent to our grandkids, but as the one who's far more involved with all their lives than the bio-dads.

    - You may not initially be received by the kids with open arms. My wife's (college-graduate) daughter stayed at arm's length from me at first -- partially because she did not know me (no, I didn't know her, either) and partially because she and mom had been a duo for about 20 years and my presence (especially as fiance/husband) challenged that. I think you will understand this particularly because, frankly, it's much the same if mom has a long-term pet. You're the interloper and now mom has someone else to whom she's giving time and attention. Just be aware of the dynamic.

    - Even though you're not officially part of the kids' lives, they're not just furniture. An ex-gf and I are still friends and she still comments on the impression I made on her teenaged daughter when I brought flowers to dinner the first time I met the kids because daughter's birthday was a few days into the future. Take an interest, chat, and be available if/when they reach out to you.

    Hope that helps.
    This is such excellent advice. I haven't read the rest of the posts.

    I am a single mother, a person who was in the middle of both my single parents' dating lives, and an "ex-stepmother" for lack of a better term (though I am still close to and on good terms with my daughter's older half-brother and half-sister). The only thing I would add to what Steve has said is to remember that the kids were there first, which means their needs come first most of the time until they leave home. A good parent will also recognize that she needs to take time for her own social life and relationships, but she has brought a human being (or more) into the world, may feel some sadness at not having been able to raise that child or children in a household with both their parents, and is doing her best to move forward and be a good parent anyway. Please respect how challenging that can be.

    Twenty years after my father remarried, after we met literally 10 different girlfriends over a decade while he dated, he still sometimes says we are "lucky" our stepmother is so good to us. While my dad and his wife are wonderful in many ways, I can't tell you how offensive this comment is to me (and he and I have had this conversation too). Blended families often happen because adults have messed up - unless someone dies, they often happen because they fail to make their relationships work - so adults need to see *they* are lucky if a kid is welcoming and open to a new partner and need to be very patient and respectful if they are not, though limits, at times, may need to be set.

    I repeated the mantra "They were here first" many times to myself in the years I was a stepmom to two teenagers while I was also caring for a newborn, and I am so grateful I did. So far, my daughter is being raised in a very non-traditional family but with a fair amount of peace and love, which I feel is a big accomplishment.

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