I had some good experiences of being heard and seen yesterday. I spent the rest of the evening feeling a little weepy (not a bad thing).
I have been part of a group that does weekly calls. I am one of the facilitators. Lately (as in months) I have not had people call in, so I sit there for 15-20 minutes with the cheesy music and hang up. I have also not been good about promoting it, we each promote our own. It is hard when I am also feeling a lack of confidence in my ability to write or focus. I was on a board meeting call and we were talking through the future of these calls and explaining them to the members who didn't know about them. One person said that it must be excruciating to keep doing this and have no one call. The last time I had a caller she said that she wouldn't have called if she knew it was going to be so small.
Then I talked to my best local friend about random stuff, and shared this with her. I made it clear that not getting callers was not something I held her or anyone else at fault for, it simply was. A lot like the local sitting group that ended, we just didn't have people. I guess I always thought that I would do a good enough job to attract people. I shared that not one local person has called in, ever, in the years I have been part of it. I am ready to take a break from leading calls at this point. She responded in a heartfelt way that she was sorry she had not been more supportive. It felt very good, it has been super hard and I just keep putting a cheerful face on it. She and others know that I have an aspiration to be a buddhist teacher and they encourage, but still I don't think that my friends see me that way.
I actually have a topic for tomorrow and I put it up on facebook, putting a little out there. (the topic is 'don't take your faults so personally")