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Thread: feeling heard and seen

  1. #11
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I suppose I'm one of those people who offer suggestions to those who really only want to vent. It's often posited that's a "male" style and sympathy/empathy a "female" style of responding. It would be helpful if those complaining would preface their words with a disclaimer so that their audience could respond appropriately. I've learned just to murmur non-noncommittally...

  2. #12
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    Ultralight - honest reflection: “I can tell you are upset about that.” - generally makes people feel “seen and heard” (makes me feel condescended to and “handled”)

    telling people what what they want to hear “that is really upsetting!” (When you don’t mean it)

    empathy “that is really upsetting!” (When you know you would be just as upset in the person’s place.)

    faking empathy is totally a skill.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    Ultralight - honest reflection: “I can tell you are upset about that.” - generally makes people feel “seen and heard” (makes me feel condescended to and “handled”)
    it would make me spin off into rage. Because it feels like a technique. But maybe I'm assuming this is coming from someone with more genuine connection to one than a manager. As manager talk it's ok actually.
    If you want something to get done, ask a busy person. If you want them to have a nervous breakdown that is.

  4. #14
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    I’ve noticed not being seen or heard since turning 50. People are quicker to talk over me or interrupt me or ignore me and then repeat my idea later as if it’s their own. And I’m Caucasian and a manager. Imagine if I were black and not in a position of authority, in addition to being an older woman.

    It’s a real thing.
    I completely agree. I don't know if it's pheromones drying up at a certain age, but, yes it IS a real phenomenon. Then, if you're not ignored, you are addressed with insulting, ingratiating names like "young lady". Every time a restaurant server says "And what can I get you, young lady?" I want to hit him (it's usually a male) with my cane
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  5. #15
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I completely agree. I don't know if it's pheromones drying up at a certain age, but, yes it IS a real phenomenon. Then, if you're not ignored, you are addressed with insulting, ingratiating names like "young lady". Every time a restaurant server says "And what can I get you, young lady?" I want to hit him (it's usually a male) with my cane
    Ugh the “young lady” sh*t is annoying.

    I like being ignored. i think. Since I have most all of my social interactions with seniors these days I don’t experience senior blindness

  6. #16
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    Ugh the “young lady” sh*t is annoying.

    I like being ignored. i think. Since I have most all of my social interactions with seniors these days I don’t experience senior blindness
    I was relieved when I faded into invisibility, personally. Now that I'm lame, I no longer have that cover. People are always leaping up to help and/or offering commentary:

    Random old guy: "You have a bad doctor."
    Me: "What?"
    ROG: "You have a bad doctor. My doctor fixed me right up with a handicapped placard!"
    Me: " If I had a doctor, they probably would have..." (hobbling off at top speed)

  7. #17
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    I haven't disappeared into invisibility. I seem to have staff attend and hear what I am looking for. I make eye contact with the public and smile and get one back most of the time.

    I am thinking that this is getting way more complicated than needed. I read a book called, Hostage at the Table, https://www.amazon.ca/Hostage-Table-.../dp/0787983845 and have shared it over the years.
    Whether one is or has been held hostage to another or by their own emotional state, this book simply explains the process going on in our brains. There is a free audio and a PDF.

    Empathy is when:
    - a friend simply and quietly sits with you after your DH has suddenly died of a heart attack and you talk about the feelings spinning through your head or

    - one has had a major disappointment and a friend says, "I am sorry this happened or

    - a little child or a grown up is having a complete meltdown due to circumstances that totally overwhelm, and someone quietly asks, "May I help?"

    Layman's version - when the limbic part of the brain is dominating, the amygdala is blocking rational thought of the neocortex of an individual who is struggling to sort it all out and your actions help find that person regain self-government. That individual needs the support of being seen and heard in a manner that is respectful, calm and kind.

    Canned responses such as CL and ANM offered as examples would be offensive and without authenticity to me as well. I have found that it is forgetting oneself and simply listening to the other without judgement.

    I believe this is all about emotional intelligence rather than IQ.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    Ultralight - honest reflection: “I can tell you are upset about that.” - generally makes people feel “seen and heard” (makes me feel condescended to and “handled”)
    Yes CL, I realized that this phrase is not the best example. Most of it is really non-verbal actually. Being there and listening without thinking about how uncomfortable it is to listen. I think of course there are people who do this a lot or in ways it is hard to hear. Personally I will say if something is a vent and tell the person I need 2 minutes to blow off steam.

    It really isn't a requirement to do this, however it is super nice when it happens. I tend to do this for others a lot more than I receive so I know it takes some work. if people are the 'fixers' then that is okay, that is how most people are actually (both male and female)

    BTW I had 2 callers this morning! I wrote my talk outline and thought it went well. We had a really great discussion and went 5 minutes over.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    I would rather be told "You and your opinion are meaningless" than be patronized.

  10. #20
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    I’m with you, but most people would prefer plausible insincerity. It greases the wheels of civilization.

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