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Thread: Strategies for dealing with annoying people in groups?

  1. #1
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    Strategies for dealing with annoying people in groups?

    I am going to mention a specific instance, but I'm really looking for ideas/conversation around a larger theme: how/when do you deal with annoying people in voluntary groups (like hobby groups)? Do you say something? Do you modify your own behavior somehow to have less impact on you? Do you avoid the person, or phase out of the group? What kinds of mental coping strategies can you suggest? Please share your stories.


    -------

    If you want the details, here's my story:

    Here's my specific instance: A few months ago I joined this small garden club in the next town over. There is one person who is just generally annoying to me (bossy/talks to us like we are her children) , but my biggest grievance is her continual lateness/keeping people waiting, and she doesn't seem to notice that others are waiting on her and of course never apologizes.

    A few weeks ago, we went to a public rose garden and had to wait for her to show up at our meeting place about 20-30 minutes before we car pooled. When we got to the garden, we tried to get a reservation at the restaurant they have there, and the host said they were really full but they could squeeze us in at 11:45, if we could agree to vacate the table in time for another party at 1:15. We walked around the gardens, and when it was 11:30 we starting gathering to walk back the 5-10 minutes to where the restaurant is. I told AlwaysLatePerson this, and she said ok, let me know when you're going over. I said, I just did, we are heading over now. She shows up 20 minutes past the reservation (we didn't wait for her). After we finished dessert, we are keeping an eye on the clock, since we wanted to honor our commitment and she just kept talking even though we reminded her we needed to vacate the table. So after that, we walked outside as er were going to continue to explore some more. Where is LatePerson? We first thought she was in the ladies room, but after 20-30 minutes, one of us when in to see what was up and she was busy taking photographs! She never said anything to anyone of us, we're just waiting for her out front.

    When its time to leave, we all gathered, and then she strikes up a conversation with a couple of strangers and continues it for a good 1/2 hour while the rest of us are waiting there.

    This week, we agreed to meet at 1:30, for a garden tour (someone not in the garden club). We are supposed to be at the host's at 2. LatePerson texts at 1:20 saying she will be at our meeting place at 1:45 (which would be ok if we left then). At 2:05, she still has not showed, and not called or texted an update, and when we called her, she was still 15 minutes away, so we changed our meeting place to be near where the tour was being held. After our tour, our group is ready to leave and the host is seeing us to the door, when LatePerson looks into a private room (not part of the tour) and wants to look at this doll collection - while again we are all standing there waiting for her.

    I really like the other people in this club. I realize lateness is MY issue, and not everyone has the same sense of time, or puts the same importance upon being punctual, but I know at least 2 other members are aware that this is a chronic issue. I don't expect her behavior to change, I just want to minimize its impact on me.

    So, other than taking my own car on our outings (I would miss out on the friendship on the car rides ) , what kinds of coping strategies can I use to not let this behavior impact me or annoy me so much? Also interested in your Annoying Person stories.

  2. #2
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    That would aggravate me as well. Over the years I have learned to avoid carpooling for so many reasons - smokers, chronic complainers, some who wanted to go shopping or drop in on a friend etc.
    I would offer to drive and set the rules - go and leave time and state clearly that no-show on time means no-go with you. I suspect that others will be as frustrated as you are and appreciate an alternative. This individual may not see her behaviour as a problem if it has been tolerated for some time by the group. Does she have amazing redeeming qualities that all enjoy?
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  3. #3
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    That behavior would drive me nuts, too.

    It brings to mind something that happened when I visited my two grandkids and DIL on Saturday. She was talking about GS5 going to a different school over the next week. He was there during that discussion, and my DIL wisely counseled DS, "Remember, L, there is always going to be a Carter." Apparently there's a kid called Carter in his current school who is as annoying as AlwaysLatePerson. But she's right--when you are with a bunch of people--whether in a volunteer group or in a classroom, you can't pick who those people are going to be. There's always going to be a Carter.

    In this case, I would do what I learned in Al-Anon. Don't enable, and take care of your side of the street. So you were right to not wait for her at the restaurant. If she's in the middle of talking when the restaurant expects you to leave, walk out. Who says you have to be polite to her? And you can even say "We are going to be leaving at XX:00 and we're not waiting for anyone, so make sure you're here. Then if she isn't--hey, it's not like she hasn't been warned.

    If you enjoy the group, unfortunately you have to take the bad with the good. But yeah, that kind of self-absorption drives me crazy.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Why your group continually waits for this person is beyond me. She has proven herself to be a fringe member of the group, fringe because she doesnt honor start times.I have had many garden club friends(really, they are acquaintances) who are friends within the context of garden activities only. The ones who exhibit continual flakiness, outsize emotional reactions, or extreme illogic, get my “ strong boundary” treatment.

  5. #5
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    Yeah I just joined so I'm still observing the group dynamics...Typically when we go places, there are 4 or 5 of us, so its usually one car.

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    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Wasting peoples time is a big sin in my book. I would bring up the topic once, that being punctual with this group is non-negotiable when there is a car pool or reservation. Be there or be left. No heartburn when you set boundaries and keep them. If somebody kept me waiting like that their eventual company would not extinguish my irritation. Leaving without them wouldn't even cause a blip on my radar. They rarely change their behavior.
    Last edited by Simplemind; 7-23-19 at 5:25pm.

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    It’s lateperson’s group. Herbgeek joined it. If herbgeek wants to be in charge of the group that us always on time, she can risk being a group of one, fracturing the group, or taking the group away from lateperson. The other group members might be happy to have someone finally stand up to lateperson, or they might not. I doubt herbgeek is ever going to be good enough friends with lateperson to have a chance of changing her.

    i would either change the things I could (me) and accept the things I couldn’t, or leave. But then, i’m a socially isolated introvert.

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    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    I would have to kill her)

  9. #9
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Herbgeek, is this group something that could be started up closer to your home once you see how it is organized, its activities and interests. Others may have tried to join and got frustrated and left. Just a thought...
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  10. #10
    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
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    What I thought when I read this is that latecomer is seeking attention...bigly. Somehow this serves her. Why else would she be so consistently and predictably late and disobedient? ETA: I doubt if she could ever receive enough attention to quench her need for it.
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

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