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Thread: Letting a friend go

  1. #1
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    Letting a friend go

    I have had a male friend for 15 years that we met through another couple. He lived a hour away in the mountains so during the winter he would spend the night if he came to a party at my house. 5 years ago he moved into town and shortly after his long distance relationship broke up. We started to have him over for dinner once or twice a month and cards. He usually makes a salad and veggies once he gets here and I do the rest. About a year ago he made a comment in a joking manner that if my husband wasnít around he was interested. He has ADD and is kinda socially inept. About a month ago he got pissy because my Maltese bark loudly at his golden when they first come in. This is nothing new. So I immediately take them out until mine calm down. So we come in and he gets a knife to cut the veggies and said this is dirty and threw it across my tiny kitchen past me and it lands in the sink. I asked if he needed a sharper knife and he got a really ugly look on his face and told me to go in the living room and get away from him. My husband was in his office and didnít hear it. Pretty soon the timer goes off for dinner and everything is normal and then we play cards. He then drinks wine and falls asleep on my couch. He has done this before and spends the night. I turn up the TV very loud and let him know itís time to go. He mentioned staying over and I said no because itís too noisy with my dogs responding. I am totally done because I am scared by the whole incident. Havenít decided if I will tell him on the phone or just be busy when he texts or calls.

  2. #2
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    The silent treatment after 15 years is a n0-go, IMO. He is starting to act inappropriately making you uncomfortable in your own home and that needs to be dealt with. You might want to reduce the number of times or the time of day that he visits for your peace of mind and ensure that your DH deals with him most of the time. OR What about changing the venue? Meet at a restaurant instead for a coffee? Is his social circle shrinking?

    Do you have the card playing groups that we have? It is a fund-raiser for building maintenance costs and usually involves progressive euchre, 10 games, a light lunch and everyone goes home. They are available in Legions, churches and community halls and open to the community; cost $4pp. A group can meet there or go just an individual.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  3. #3
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Dont entertain him in your home again, that’s for sure. If you are tired of his friendship with you, you’re not required to continue it, but you may have to gradually detach as razz suggests.

  4. #4
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    Razz, no usually just the 2 of us play cards. Sometimes my husband joins. I think he is getting to attached to me. He is a ham radio operator so has friends from there. I frequently watch his dog and invite him for holidays if he doesn’t go home. My ex was abusive for 22 years so it’s scary.

  5. #5
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    Oh, that friendship is over, in my opinion. I am not sure how you disentangle in the safest way but it is definitely not a friendship anymore, and please don't let him in your home or contact him again. I would not offer anything anymore in terms of dog sitting or hospitality and I would get far away from him.

  6. #6
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    I agree with Tybee. Safety comes first.

  7. #7
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    It sounds as if something has changed in the fellow.

  8. #8
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bae View Post
    It sounds as if something has changed in the fellow.
    Yeah--I was thinking he might be having a response to medication, developing dementia, etc.

  9. #9
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    Let your husband know what is going on (if you haven't already) and enlist his advice. From what you said, it is time to let this friend go.

  10. #10
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    Not on any medications and still working as a self employed life coach. My husband thinks he is profoundly unhappy because he hasn’t been able to find anyone despite online dating. The problem is he is not very attractive and is 64. He is contacting pretty woman 10 years younger than himself. He also only makes about 30k so cannot afford to do things that cost much money. I think if he was more realistic he would find someone. If he contacts me I am going to say we need a break and hope he just goes away. I am completely done.

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