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Thread: talked to friend about her attire,

  1. #1
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    talked to friend about her attire,

    My good friend here had a breast reduction. She had been having some medical reasons for it, and really likes the results. She has bought some new clothes to work with a smaller chest. We went to a buddhist thing together last night, a meditation and talk.

    In general I have noticed my friend has not adjusted her clothing to her smaller size, and to the professional appearance she needs to build a coaching business. We had some discussions about how she could support her business by having cards on her, bringing it up when it is natural and dressing in a way that is casual but professional. Basically her bra was showing much of the time under an oversized t-shirt. I took the risk to say something. Her response wasn't angry, but just that she liked the shirt and her bra didn't look like a bra.

    Anyway just awkward, she is the friend who freely shares everything to everyone. I have learned about how to pet a cat, why you should flush instead of letting the yellow mellow, how avacados spoil, etc. It felt reasonable to offer this back. I still feel awkward of course. We will see how this works out longer term.

  2. #2
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    If your friend is interested in growing a professional service business, I can see commenting to her that you’re surprised she doesn’t have better fitting clothes to enhance her new figure. This comment would be in the spirit of “show it off, sister!”

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    I think I'd only offer wardrobe advice on something like this if asked. I could see her feeling offended. But maybe she was asking by talking about professional appearance.

    Professional appearance doesn't seem to mean what it used to mean, so I wouldn't feel comfortable advising anybody on what to wear.

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    So I need to know - why should you flush instead of letting the yellow mellow?

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    Yeah I okay if I pushed the line. I have experience with what is professional in the area we live in. I have done enough hiring and supervising. We have done mock interviews and she has asked for feedback, I have been saying more recently that is honest. She is struggling to quit smoking and tells me she quit. Then I come over and she takes smoke breaks. I am very sensitive to it in a few ways. I told her I was tempted to bring over gum and lozenges and offer those for the time I was there. I said I knew that was crossing the line so I didn't do it. I have never said her smoking actually bothers me before since I am worried about being judgy or not supportive.

    I let it mellow in the middle of the night, it seems wasteful and the noise bothers me. I am flushing now since my roommate prefers that. She told me a story about how it stained her toilet bowl so badly she had to use harsh chemicals to clean it. I have been doing this since I lived in the mountains as a teenager and my dad stressed saving water.

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    It stains the toilet. I hate it when people don’t flush.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    It stains the toilet. I hate it when people don’t flush.
    At your house I will flush,

    I emailed with my teacher and she said that she wasn't sure if she should say something about modest attire to our friend. She said she was glad that I became aware of the way my shorts were in the sitting position and that I adapted. My response was that as the teacher it was her place and I would respect if she ever needed to correct me in some way. I think as a student of our teacher it may also be appropriate to offer to others how to follow protocol that is not known in the west. I have given the donation talk (monastics can't do that for themselves), gently educated people on how to offer food or interact with a nun.

    In any case we will see.

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    I'm confused about the teacher and the shorts and the modest attire thing.

    I would be upset if someone starting talking to me about modest attire. It kind of sets of warning bells in my mind. (Funnily enough, at my age, it is more that I am afraid of developing dementia, and would be seen as a crazy person with pre-frontal damage, not caring about walking around in too few clothes.)

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    I wore shorts to the buddhist talk, and I realized they were very short when I sat in a meditation posture. I know that the etiquette of the buddhist community with my teacher is modesty so I adjusted. I would have adjusted in other situations as well because that posture and the shorts was more than I was comfortable with. Modesty is part of the culture, I know with the previous teacher we were encouraged to avoid clothing that showed too much like low tank tops or very sloppy attire. That was along with things like how to offer food, how to enter a space, how they can handle money and travel, etc. Monks in the theravadan tradition have around 250 training rules and nuns have over 300. My teacher has made major adjustments because she lives independently in the west, however some things are important to support her in.

  10. #10
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    Sorry, still not following, is your friend with the overly loose clothing your teacher? or did you talk to teacher about the friend? Where does modesty come in with the friend? Is it the same person?

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