The last few days I have been trying to sort out feelings I can't even quite identify as I move the last things out of the tiny house and into the house we bought. I think we (I've) been so caught up in the excitement of getting the house cleaned out and ready to live in it has overshadowed any feelings of anything that are bound to come up.
I think I am starting to acknowledge and deal with all the recent changes and the huge commitment we just made to each other. I am actually a bit sad to move out of the tiny home even though it was feeling quite claustrophobic at times; I realize I could have stayed there easily for a while longer. I think what I am mourning is a loss of the feeling of complete independence; I have my stuff and my space,he had his stuff and his space, and we came and went to each others places at will, or easily said "I need a studio night" or "I need to play my guitar tonight" which was code for "I need my space." Now that we live together I think we need to be able to honor that need for space, which should be quite doable because of the way the house is laid out. But it doesn't feel the same as when we lived in separate places. I think that is just something we are going to have to get used to as an "official" couple sharing a home.
I'm still having a little anxiety about the money spent but most of the major stuff is out of the way (for now). We do need to get the driveway fixed because with all the moving and driving cars and trucks up this steep, rocky incline, we've got it all torn up and at some point my Honda Accord will not make it up the incline.
But getting back to a few disquieting feelings: I haven't shacked up with someone since I got divorced in 1992 and it feels weird to share a space with someone else. I tend to want to control things and he is the complete opposite. I am clean and fairly organized, he is a slob and completely disorganized. I have a way of doing things in a fairly timely manner and he does not. I am constantly trying to remember to not be as controlling as I would naturally want to be, but I do have to remind him about important things that need to be done because they would effect both of us in the long term. Other stuff I am trying to let go and remember that he is an adult and has and can take care of his own stuff (just not the way I would do it) but that is his problem. I just hate to see good money wasted on things that should have been taken care of earlier (like late fees, etc). But that is his money.
This is a good lesson for me - remembering boundaries, remembering I am a person in my own right. I will deal with my stuff, he can deal with his, and somehow we will develop a plan for dealing with the together stuff that is comfortable for both of us.'
'I am sure this will come up a bit going forward, but I just needed to acknowledge some weird feelings and get it out of my head. I wonder if he is feeling the same things? We should check in with each other tonight.