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Thread: Living With Someone After A Long Time Alone

  1. #11
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    DH and I have been together 37 years. His travel job for the first 25 years really made it possible. Now, he's mellowed with age. He realizes some things you do ( even the things you think are stupid) just because your spouse wants you to. We bicker frequently, but now realize that it's a continuum, and not a full stop.

    I do all the laundry tasks, as dh just doesn't do it right, and doesn't care that I care! This from a man who worked in a laundrymat and knows the right way! You may find some things that just are " lopsided" for various reasons. It might be just the way things need to go.

    I think you are mature enough to have discussions when the time is right (not in the heat of the moment, for example) and will find what works for you both. Unfortunately, there may be some bumps in the road. Remember that it is normal, and you can do this!

  2. #12
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    Negotiating a relationship is "normal". Keep in mind, it's not about equality being 50/50 everything. It's about being equally satisfied with the output and the outcome.

  3. #13
    Senior Member SiouzQ.'s Avatar
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    Here's a good little chuckle. K. is trying, he really is. Usually, when one of us cooks, the other does the cleanup, which is totally fair. I like to clean up soon after I clear the table so it's all done and then I can move onto the next thing, rather than letting dirty dishes and pans linger. Last night I cooked a "use up all the tidbits in the fridge before I go shopping tomorrow" kind of dinner, which turned out really good and K. really liked it. So he starts clearing dishes, fills up the sink with soapy water, starts doing the dishes but then gets distracted by something else so all the rest of the dishes sit in the sink full of dirty water for the rest of the night. When I got up this morning we ended up laughing about it and he promised to finish them the night before going forward. I hate seeing dirty dishes laying around when I want to get my coffee made. I did tell him that since he has to get up early to commute to Albuquerque evry day that I would take care of his breakfast dishes int he morning before I walk the four minute walk to the gallery. That is something I don't mind at all. What I do mind is having to do the dishes before I can even start making dinner when it is my turn to cook.

    We'll get it worked out, slowly but surely. I know he enjoys living in a cleaner house but he does have to do his part.

  4. #14
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    You have age on your side. I am much more mellow with living together stuff than when my husband and I got together 22 years ago.

    So is he, and he is the real space hog in the family, with some hoarding tendencies!

    But he sure does a lot of things around here I can't do, and has helped me to set so many dreams in motion, and always does it with good humor and a resourceful spirit, which I greatly admire in him.

  5. #15
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gardnr View Post
    Negotiating a relationship is "normal". Keep in mind, it's not about equality being 50/50 everything. It's about being equally satisfied with the output and the outcome.
    That is a very good point, that negotiation in any relationship is normal.

  6. #16
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lmerullo View Post
    I do all the laundry tasks, as dh just doesn't do it right, and doesn't care that I care! This from a man who worked in a laundrymat and knows the right way!
    (bold added)

    IMHO, this is one of the most insidious things couples get to deal with. Are the white clothing items turning pink? Or being ripped apart in the washer? Or singed in the dryer? If not, it's not that partner/DH/whoever is doing it "wrong"; they're just not doing it the way you want it done. Big difference.

    If a task is delegated, then the outcome should be agreed upon and the process left to the person doing the task. I do not fold clothes the way DW does. I don't separate clothing into "light green", "dark green", and other subdivisions of color. Light, dark, new stuff that might bleed; fine. But it all comes out clean and the color it went in. If DW has to have her stuff folded a certain way out of preference (not, for example, folding when something ought to be hung, which should be specified as the outcome of the task), then she gets to fold it her way or do the laundry. In our house, whoever is bothered most by how the task is done gets to do the task. Otherwise, it's accept the outcome and be okay that it didn't happen the way we would have done it. Makes the division of labor seem much more equitable.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  7. #17
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    (bold added)

    IMHO, this is one of the most insidious things couples get to deal with. Are the white clothing items turning pink? Or being ripped apart in the washer? Or singed in the dryer? If not, it's not that partner/DH/whoever is doing it "wrong"; they're just not doing it the way you want it done. Big difference. ...
    Well said.

  8. #18
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    I actually agree that there are often times whe one's standards are different, but the outcome doesn't much matter...in my case - the man will take a dress with a standard neck / shoulder which should be put on the hanger through said neck - and he folds it in half and puts it over the crossbar! He frequently will put multiple items on one hanger "it's more efficient" etc. I've actually though an item was lost, only to discover my t-shirt was underneath a pair of slacks. SO - no laundry help from him if you please!

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    (bold added)

    IMHO, this is one of the most insidious things couples get to deal with. Are the white clothing items turning pink? Or being ripped apart in the washer? Or singed in the dryer? If not, it's not that partner/DH/whoever is doing it "wrong"; they're just not doing it the way you want it done. Big difference. .
    So true. It ain't "my way or the highway" in completing tasks. I do sometimes, have to encourage hubby to do his chores. He's great about doing dishes before he goes to bed-our agreement is 1 cooks, 1 cleans...and he does NOT like to cook except the grilling portion of meals. He does the vacuuming and cleans one bathroom and can let them go way too long.

  10. #20
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    I am fussy about my laundry and don’t want anyone touching it. I did all the laundry for years and about 3 years ago it occurred to me that I still work part time and he doesn’t. So I told him he must do his own. He was not happy but I held firm. I also do all the linens,etc.

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