Love

[pinkytoe]

Looking back at my youth, it seems like "love" back then felt more like chemistry. I can't even explain the love that exists after many years together. It has a lot more depth for sure.

[ToomuchStuff]

A friend of mine recently met a guy and fell in love with him. The two of them are so smitten, so infatuated. It is like their first love! But she is 39 and he is 53. Both had previous long term relationships. But apparently neither of them ever felt this way or this strong.

I figured after age 30 or so you could not feel romantic love with much intensity.

What do you think?

I think you need to examine your beliefs more carefully.

[SteveinMN]

Looking back at my youth, it seems like "love" back then felt more like chemistry. I can't even explain the love that exists after many years together. It has a lot more depth for sure.

I think we value things differently as we age. In our 20s and 30s, I think physical attributes hold more value. It's more important that your intended resembles Barbie or Ken than whether they're mature enough to start their life. By our 50s and 60s, we've learned that looking like Barbie is not sufficient compensation for being a "princess" and looking like Ken does not cover for being a real jerk.

By 40 or 50 you live through and tire of the drama that comes with emotional immaturity. Life is hard enough as it is and you realize that life is easier with someone who can save for his/her own future and take care of himself/herself. Suddenly that full head of hair or the perky whatevers isn't so important. Maybe some chronic disease comes to visit and you see it for what it often is -- a scar (maybe a deep one) but not a mark that eradicates the entire person.

Over your lives together you begin to build the well of times that life was tough for one or both of you and yet you stayed and did what you could to work through it -- and then maybe their weird OCD habit you hate is not that big a deal any more. And that weird OCD habit you have that they hate is not that big a deal, either.


I have a (female) friend I've known for about 25 years now. We were just work colleagues and became friends. Yeah, there was that rush of friendship at first ("Oh, that's your favorite, too?"). But over the years we have seen each other through promotions, reorganizations, divorce, her kids coming out, new boyfriends/girlfriends, breakups, remarriages, parent's illnesses, moving, seeing each other in sweatpants, watching all kinds of things sag and just not work as well as they used to, and the inevitable fits and starts of reinventing ourselves; cheering, commiserating, laughing, listening to the rants and the raptures... It is a platonic relationship (long-ish story there) but neither one of us is embarrassed to say "I love you" to the other. We still break out in a smile whenever we see each other. We've been there for each other for 25 years now and neither time nor distance has (or will) change that. In fact, that friend is the reason for my happy marriage to DW today (the resemblances are surprising).

It's hard for this woman and me to describe our relationship to others (especially people who cannot believe that a man and a woman can be friends without romance) but it has gotten only deeper and better through the years. It can happen, particularly when the people involved are equipped to handle life maturely and to show vislbly that they want that kind of commitment. I wish everyone could find a friend like that, romantic or not.

[Teacher Terry]

Steve, I have a male friend that I met in graduate school. Some people don’t understand that you can be only friends with the opposite sex.

[catherine]

I think we value things differently as we age. In our 20s and 30s, I think physical attributes hold more value. It's more important that your intended resembles Barbie or Ken than whether they're mature enough to start their life. By our 50s and 60s, we've learned that looking like Barbie is not sufficient compensation for being a "princess" and looking like Ken does not cover for being a real jerk.

By 40 or 50 you live through and tire of the drama that comes with emotional immaturity. Life is hard enough as it is and you realize that life is easier with someone who can save for his/her own future and take care of himself/herself. Suddenly that full head of hair or the perky whatevers isn't so important. Maybe some chronic disease comes to visit and you see it for what it often is -- a scar (maybe a deep one) but not a mark that eradicates the entire person.

Over your lives together you begin to build the well of times that life was tough for one or both of you and yet you stayed and did what you could to work through it -- and then maybe their weird OCD habit you hate is not that big a deal any more. And that weird OCD habit you have that they hate is not that big a deal, either.


I have a (female) friend I've known for about 25 years now. We were just work colleagues and became friends. Yeah, there was that rush of friendship at first ("Oh, that's your favorite, too?"). But over the years we have seen each other through promotions, reorganizations, divorce, her kids coming out, new boyfriends/girlfriends, breakups, remarriages, parent's illnesses, moving, seeing each other in sweatpants, watching all kinds of things sag and just not work as well as they used to, and the inevitable fits and starts of reinventing ourselves; cheering, commiserating, laughing, listening to the rants and the raptures... It is a platonic relationship (long-ish story there) but neither one of us is embarrassed to say "I love you" to the other. We still break out in a smile whenever we see each other. We've been there for each other for 25 years now and neither time nor distance has (or will) change that. In fact, that friend is the reason for my happy marriage to DW today (the resemblances are surprising).

It's hard for this woman and me to describe our relationship to others (especially people who cannot believe that a man and a woman can be friends without romance) but it has gotten only deeper and better through the years. It can happen, particularly when the people involved are equipped to handle life maturely and to show vislbly that they want that kind of commitment. I wish everyone could find a friend like that, romantic or not.

Great description of the life stages of love, Steve.

I agree with how priorities in a relationship shift. Biologically, we are hard-wired to be attracted to people who can produce our progeny, and that chemistry is real and important. But, yes, as life goes things change. The physical attributes that hooked you up to someone to begin with wane and sometimes even disappear, but that doesn't matter. I've often said that I love the wrinkles and lines on my DH's face because every line is a road I've traveled with him.

[SteveinMN]

I've often said that I love the wrinkles and lines on my DH's face because every line is a road I've traveled with him.

I like that. DW and I celebrate our 10th anniversary next year so we aren't the cause of most of the lines on each others' face. But it fits in well with what I was writing.

[Teacher Terry]

My husband and I have been together 21 years and laugh about how much we have physically changed during that time. It’s life and doesn’t effect our love.

[Yppej]

Love blossoms when a person receives attention and unconditional love and acceptance. It is not dependent on age. A friend of mine is now two years into a good relationship. They met at the senior center. Her marriage at a young age to an abusive man was the opposite.

[dado potato]

Like SteveinMN said, I agree.

"Love is a many-splendored thing". Love can be, if necessary, changing wound dressings on a daily basis.

[Ultralight]

Love blossoms when a person receives attention and unconditional love and acceptance.

What do you mean?

Her marriage at a young age to an abusive man was the opposite.

Did she love that abusive man unconditionally?