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Thread: The house you will die in

  1. #41
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Your point is well taken, Tybee, but there are a lot of people who have no kids or family to take care of them. They do carry on just fine with making plans for eldercare. In addition, many 'kids' have challenges of their own and simply cannot help much or pass away before we do.

    I prefer to make plans for myself now that simply trigger implementation when needed. I own that responsibility not the kids. Meanwhile I live where I love to be.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  2. #42
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    Mom waited until Dad died and she was 80 to move closer to us. She lived in upstate NY and moving to IN got her a better climate plus we are 20 minutes away. Been here about 7 years and says she wished she had done it a lot sooner. Of course, there was no chance we were going to move anywhere else, like Florida and we took care of setting up her living situation here.

    When Dad died, she had no significant company and we were a 12 hour drive away. She saw just how difficult it was when Dad got really sick to not have anyone to rely on for support. Even if she had been in assisted living in NY, we would not have been much help if she had a medical complication or have been able to supervise her care. Here we can arrange whatever she needs quickly and easily.

    But she was 80. And "looking after" can mean so many things. Do people expect nursing care from kids or inlaw kids? Or do they need just monitoring and getting to appointments, etc.? Everyone should discuss this in advance and ensure that there are the financial resources to provide care. Or accept that they may be on Medicaid and what that will mean. Talking about it early is important and then finding out what is really available in the location where the parents will be. Knowledge is power.

  3. #43
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    People without kids hire things done and look for available services. People with kids can do the same.

  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    People without kids hire things done and look for available services. People with kids can do the same.
    Right? When I hear people say their kids will take care of them, I ask why? Why their "job"? They don't owe you that. Not a fair expectation. My first thought is always "don't lay that shit on your kids". I am 1 of 6 kids. Mom had selected the place she wanted to live out old age if she couldn't be home. As it turned out, she had Cancer-a fast growing tumor and I knew she wouldn't live long. My little sister and I told her that we would take her home and share her care, both working part time for the weeks she had left. She was so very surprised. We'll never regret it. BUT it was NEVER expected. (Our employers were very supportive).

    We don't have kids. We saved money for old age. My quilting studio is what used to be 2 small bedrooms and a hallway. It is 14X19. If we need live in help, there is a spacious room for that person to call their own.

  5. #45
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    I do not expect DD to take care of me someday and want to make my plans clear to her ASAP. I am basing my thoughts about where to live on what I have seen happen to my family and others. My mother had a massive stroke at 67, but was 100 miles away and even though she had planned for assisted living, it still required someone (me) to make sure things were OK which meant an hour drive for me every weekend. Better than 800 miles. MIL wanted to stay in her house but SIL had to drive 1 hr each way in heavy traffic 3x a week for several years to "check" on her. Another friend had a completely unexpected massive stroke (no kids) which left her helpless for about a year. I am noting that one of my brothers has aged a great deal since I saw him last and yet refuses to move from his mountain house with all its stairs and winter upkeep. His care will fall on someone else. None of us who are getting older really know how things will go but we can at least consider potential outcomes of our choices while we are still healthy.

  6. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkytoe View Post
    I do not expect DD to take care of me someday and want to make my plans clear to her ASAP. I am basing my thoughts about where to live on what I have seen happen to my family and others. My mother had a massive stroke at 67, but was 100 miles away and even though she had planned for assisted living, it still required someone (me) to make sure things were OK which meant an hour drive for me every weekend. Better than 800 miles. MIL wanted to stay in her house but SIL had to drive 1 hr each way in heavy traffic 3x a week for several years to "check" on her. Another friend had a completely unexpected massive stroke (no kids) which left her helpless for about a year. I am noting that one of my brothers has aged a great deal since I saw him last and yet refuses to move from his mountain house with all its stairs and winter upkeep. His care will fall on someone else. None of us who are getting older really know how things will go but we can at least consider potential outcomes of our choices while we are still healthy.
    My experiences have been more like yours, Pinkytoe. I do not expect my kids to take care of me and my parents did not, either. We neve rthought we'd be getting a phone call that they were being made wards of the state if someone from the family did not get there within 48 hours.

    So yeah, s**t happens, and hospitals look for next of kin.

    I plan to live closer to family, to ease the burdens of both raising children and growing older or getting sick.

    Arranging home health care from a thousand miles away has not been possible, in our experience.

    And my mom had everything beautifully under control until she developed dementia. So by all means, we all need to plan for that possibility, too, that we may not be able to care for ourselves or even make decisions or even know we need to do something.

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gardnr View Post

    We don't have kids. We saved money for old age. My quilting studio is what used to be 2 small bedrooms and a hallway. It is 14X19. If we need live in help, there is a spacious room for that person to call their own.
    That is great, that you have saved money. The in home care we have looked it would be 24/7, so that is more than a one person job. Dementia is the game changer, in my experience.

  8. #48
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I have an enormous amount of guilt about what I DIDN'T do for my mother, who died at 69 from emphysema, but she had suffered a stroke at age 50 and lived for almost 20 years in assisted living. I had a very hectic life raising 4 kids in a very difficult situation (near poverty, DH health issues), and I was an hour and a half away. My brother, OTOH, was married with no kids and lived in the same town.So he was the go-to guy when Mom needed something. I wish I had those years to do over again, but we don't get that chance.

    So I don't expect my kids to take care of me--that's not why I moved closer to 3 of them. They have their own lives. If they wind up with a heart like Gardnr and Teacher Terry, and Tybee and all y'all who have picked up the baton for your aging parents, I'll be grateful, but I sure don't expect them to do for me.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  9. #49
    Senior Member dmc's Avatar
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    We will be buying a new home next year. It will be in the same town we live in now, or at least close. We pretty much hire everything out now as far as the house. One of my sons lives close by and I would expect him to help a little if needed. My dad is in assisted living and I take care of his finances. I would expect one of my sons to do the same.

    There should be plenty of funds to pay for a very nice assisted living or nursing home if needed. I don’t expect anyone in the family to actually do anything more than make sure the bills are paid and we have reasonable care.

    I hope our our next house will be our last, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

  10. #50
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    DMC, I think your expectations are very reasonable. My oldest son and my youngest step son would do the same for us. It’s the actual hands on care that is exhausting.

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