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Thread: Pre planning funerals

  1. #1
    Senior Member flowerseverywhere's Avatar
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    Pre planning funerals

    I spent last week helping a friend make funeral arrangements for her husband. He had a heartbreaking bout with cancer, and peacefully passed in hospice. They had discussed cremation and he would be interned at a military cemetery. They are very active in a church and the service will be done there.

    so I am thinking of making final arrangements for myself.

    i know I want to be cremated. I donít think I want to take up space in perpetuity in a columbarium or other structure. Has anyone decided what to do with their remains?

    i know sometimes family members scatter ashes at a place dear to their loved ones. I am thinking of options.

    dh May want to be placed near his birthplace, so I would consider that once he makes his decision.

    The funeral director suggested pre writing an obituary, and making all these decisions as it makes it way easier on a family and you should do whatever you want.

    of course, we all know the importance of wills, trusts, making sure your beneficiaries are correct on any accounts, policies etc. living wills, health care proxies all done in accordance with federal and state laws are crucial to follow unless you want to donate lots of money to attorneys to sort through stuff. And your money may not end up where you want.

  2. #2
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    I want to be cremated and either interred in a family plot or scattered into the Atlantic. Memorial service at a church, small and short.

    Then I want the family to gather for dinner at a seafood restaurant.

  3. #3
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    At this time I Don’t care what happens to my remains.

    I am thinking it is easier for DH just to do whatever he wants. But maybe it isnt? I dont know. Is me making firm plans easier for those left behind? We are told it is easier, but I’m not sure.what if the plan I make today conflicts with what DH would prefer ten years from now?

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    In my experience, it is easier. It is also very possible, even probably,t he person left behind may do something completely different. That is okay, too. But it is helpful for the person left behind to know what you want, even if they decide to vary from it. In my experience, anyway.

    My dad finally told me what he wants and it is kind of weird and not doable, but at least we have the guidelines to what he is going for, and good information--he does not want to be interred or contained, for example--so when the time comes, we can reach a much better decision and be at peace that we are respecting the tenor of his wishes, if not the exact thing he wants done. So it was a very useful and good discussion.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Just like the estate my parents left for us to figure out, they would never discuss what they wanted when they passed. My mom's last month and a half in hospice allowed me to research arrangements prior. I learned a lot and was so thankful that I did it clear headed and rational instead of at her passing when I would have been exhausted and emotional. Between my mom's death and my dad's I learned some astounding information on the industry through my volunteer position. My son's girlfriend's dad owns a mortuary and the kids have worked for him off and on the past several years. I learned even more through them.
    Our kids all know we want to be cremated. We want to be sprinkled at Lost Lake where we sprinkled my dad. The family camps there every year and Mt Hood makes the most majestic headstone. We think of dad whenever we see it. We would never prepay but son now knows the drill and where to go for direct cremation which at present time is $500.
    If you will be leaving your kids the job of making arrangements I suggest you make at least three calls for information and price. The same services can range from $500 - thousands. It is the most trying time and people don't shop around thinking it would all be the same. It isn't, its ridiculous.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    When my grandpa died my mom said it was very stressful to buy everything when you are grieving. Having survived the depression they didnít have any money. So my mom and aunt bought everyoneís plot at the same time. After both grandparents died my mom and aunt bought their headstones and had them engraved so when their husbands died they were ready. My mom knew she was dying so bought casket, wrote her obituary and asked people to sing certain songs at her funeral. We will be cremated and go into a wall in the veteran cemetery. I have my MILís urn because her ashes were scattered and I want to use that.

  7. #7
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    From my own experience, it releases a lot of burden on survivors if wishes are known. My in-laws pre-paid and arranged all their own plans after they saw how we struggled as a young couple with my dying parents who had no plans. Thankfully, the money was there but looking at coffins, headstones and wondering about where they should be buried was difficult. In the end, because they were divorced, they both ended up buried next to their parents. I see the "trend" now is a ceremony of life rather than funeral. All a good reminder to at least put down my wishes on paper.

  8. #8
    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
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    Thankfully, my mom had every. single. detail. planned out in advance. Her plot and headstone were paid for, her obit written (which sibs asked me to edit---I mean, who uses the word "begat?") and all estate and financials dotted and crossed.

    It was still a bit of work for oldest sis who was the designee for tying up everything, meeting with lawyer, etc. But that work mom put into the planning was thoughtful on her part. Much less stress than most stories I've heard.
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

  9. #9
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    When it became clear that my mother was in failing health and would be going into a nursing home, I went to the funeral home which we used when my brother and father died and made the basic arrangements for her. I kept it simple, told the funeral director to do the same as they had done for my father 5 years earlier (same casket, etc.) and gave them the pertinent information for the death notice. I didn’t prepay for anything because she had a “funeral plan” policy that would pay the funeral home directly upon her death. She already had a grave site and had prepaid the cemetery for the vault and the grave opening when the graves were purchased.

    When she passed away a few years later, we only had to update the survivor information for the death notice and schedule the viewing and funeral mass. The funeral home dealt with arrangements at the cemetery and I only had to go there to sign papers authorizing the burial and to add her date of death to the headstone.

  10. #10
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    It really is not easier for the relatives to have to make all the decisions after someone's death. We recently sat down with mom and had all the funeral (cremation) information documented and all paid for. We now know who to contact, what she wanted and who needed to be informed. It is all written down. Now if my husband would just get off the chair and get the funeral mausoleum sorted. It is in another state and we need the details for our executor instructions.

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