Pre planning funerals

[iris lilies]

Ok but—

I. Dont. Care. So what do I do?


Should I make a cheapie plan and pay for it? And then, if DH or whomever wants to add to it later, they can?

If I make a more elaborate plan now, I can hardly back out into something cheaper later, right?

I absolutely understand that people in grief do not want to make a ton of small procedural decisions.


I do not understand how I write a plan now that is flexible for the future.

[beckyliz]

It really is a gift you're leaving for your family. As others above have noted, it makes decisions so much easier and less stressful during an emotional time. My mom had everything planned and prepaid and left notes for her funeral service (songs, etc.). I remembered she wanted a certain lace tablecloth draped over her casket, but I couldn't find it in time. I still feel bad about that.

[iris lilies]

Ok, I am going to have a plan with a funeral home that says

1. cremate me unless you want to do something more elaborate. If the latter, it is FINE WITH ME to do whatever you want to do.

2) have a service of any kind, or not. I don’t care

3) have a printed obituary, or not. I don’t care

4) if you want to scatter my ashes in one or more places I liked, do it. If you don’t want to do that, don’t.


When we start getting into very elaborate plans, like a tablecloth in example above, the grief stricken family have detailed stuff to carry out. For some I suppose that is a good thing because it provides them with something to do. Some people like the busyness of death arrangements because it gives them something concrete to do. That would not be the case for me, though.

I’ve been in this situation of having to throw together a funeral with no preferences stated, and yeah, it was a pain. The other way, carrying out detailed instructions was kind of a pain although true, it was less, the funeral home could take care of much of it.

But then, my father who diedwith no instructions would have been perfectly happy with whatever we did. It was my mother that insisted on going thru the traditional events and purchases.

And I guess to me that flags the most important reason for pre-planning: paying for it. For so many families, this big cost is a burden. For us it wouldn’t be, and for my parents it was not, we just write a check but that is not true for so many people so yeah making plans and having them paid for relieves a huge burden from a grieving family.

[razz]

DH and I discussed our wishes years before his passing. We consolidated our finances, updated our wills and knew what we wanted. Neither of us wanted a funeral, simply cremate and scatter the ashes and have a fun meal with any cash remaining in the house or wallets. I preferred to spend any $$$ normally spent on funeral and tombstone making a donation to organizations that were important to us in his memory.

I took my kids to meet both the lawyer and the accountant providing updates after DH's passing and to the funeral home to make arrangements for both DH's ashes and prepaid my body's disposal. Very simple to do and once I am gone I really don't care.

[Yppej]

Only certain towns in my state allow green burial. That would be my first choice. I have not made plans.

[SteveinMN]

Ok, I am going to have a plan with a funeral home that says

1. cremate me unless you want to do something more elaborate. If the latter, it is FINE WITH ME to do whatever you want to do.

2) have a service of any kind, or not. I don’t care

3) have a printed obituary, or not. I don’t care

4) if you want to scatter my ashes in one or more places I liked, do it. If you don’t want to do that, don’t.

DW and I are a little more specific about what we want, but not much. We have arranged cremation locally with the plastic urn they supply for free and have specified where we want our cremains scattered. Other than that, though, we will not care at that point; the funeral/celebration of life/wake/whatever will be for the living and they can do whatever they need to do for mourning and closure beyond our fairly simple directions. If they need a fancy urn and/or a big catered funeral and/or a longish obit in the newspaper and/or some sort of formal ash-spreading ceremony, that's on them. We've prepaid the cremation and that information and our wills are available to our daughter. She'll also have access to our insurance and financial files. It shouldn't be too hard (well, not technically) for her to take care of things.

[happystuff]

Depending on who dies and when, the after-death details can be as horrific as the death itself, especially if it is sudden and totally unexpected. My suggestion is - based solely on my experience - make your own plans, but don't stop there. Think about your other loved ones. We were totally unprepared when our son died. Making these decisions while in a state of complete and utter shock is no fun. In fact, I barely recall a lot of it. Thankfully we have fantastic extended family that totally stepped up.

I'm just saying, yes, make your own plans, but also be as ready as possible for anything. As much as people want to avoid thinking of death, it will still occur eventually and possibly way sooner than you think.

[flowerseverywhere]

Thanks for all your input. After the holidays we are moving forward with plans. DH and I are discussing a lot of issues and helping each other clarify things. I think it will overall be a good thing for us and our families. Instead of making decisions under pressure it will allow them to pass through the stages of grief, even if not everything is totally followed, and move on. Life is for the living.

[Tybee]

Thanks for all your input. After the holidays we are moving forward with plans. DH and I are discussing a lot of issues and helping each other clarify things. I think it will overall be a good thing for us and our families. Instead of making decisions under pressure it will allow them to pass through the stages of grief, even if not everything is totally followed, and move on. Life is for the living.

What a lovely gift you are giving your family.

[kib]

At this time I Don’t care what happens to my remains.

I am thinking it is easier for DH just to do whatever he wants. But maybe it isnt? I dont know. Is me making firm plans easier for those left behind? We are told it is easier, but I’m not sure.what if the plan I make today conflicts with what DH would prefer ten years from now?

My father and mother both have pre-paid cremation service plans, and that was marvelously easy when my father passed, I'd heartily recommend it. With one phone call, the funeral home did whatever was necessary and a few days later we received a package of ashes from them. However, he never specified what else he wanted done, and my mother wandered in a fog of grief and indecision for nearly a month before I stepped in and had a simple reception / ash burial for him. I'd say as long as you don't want a sendoff on the Queen Mary, it's kinder and easier to make the plans when no one's lost in sorrow, specifying that if something else works better at the end, that's ok too. ... Merry Christmas, btw.