Pre planning funerals

[iris lilies]

My father and mother both have pre-paid cremation service plans, and that was marvelously easy when my father passed, I'd heartily recommend it. With one phone call, the funeral home did whatever was necessary and a few days later we received a package of ashes from them. However, he never specified what else he wanted done, and my mother wandered in a fog of grief and indecision for nearly a month before I stepped in and had a simple reception / ash burial for him. I'd say as long as you don't want a sendoff on the Queen Mary, it's kinder and easier to make the plans when no one's lost in sorrow, specifying that if something else works better at the end, that's ok too. ... Merry Christmas, btw.

kib, great to see you.

See, it is your mother’s experience (same as mine) that I think is typical for a LOT of people. Whatever death arrangements are pre-made and carried out, it doesnt “feel” to the near kin that it is enough. Enough to honor the deceased. Enough to give community input. Enough etc.

We can all say we don’t want hoopla or a Queen Mary boat extravaganza, but certain people perhaps of a certain generation feel it “must” be done.And frankly certain deaths (those of younger people or sudden accidental deaths) do engender a community grieving experience for the outer ring of relatives and friends.

Maybe it is generational and as younger people age and die there will be less emphasis on showy funerals.

[Teacher Terry]

Happy, I am so sorry you lost your son. Two of my friends lost children and it’s the worst.

[kib]

What I intend is to set up the disposition of my body ahead of time, including payment. I'm thinking of donating my organs or my entire body, if not I want a cremation plan like my parents'. Yes, as cheaply as possible. I don't think my physical remains need to be a part of any remembrance ceremony that might happen, I'm very sure my husband will want to have as little to do with a dead body as possible, and I don't care where my cells wind up. Beyond that, I am going to say what I want, but not specifically arrange it. Since what I want involves calling about ten people to get together and have dinner, it shouldn't be too much of a struggle. If I become wildly popular in the next 50 years I might have to rethink that.

[kib]

kib, great to see you.

Maybe it is generational and as younger people age and die there will be less emphasis on showy funerals.

Maybe. I think what went wrong in my case was not knowing what I didn't know. Someone dies = wake, church service, graveside service, lots of flowers hearse with the lights on, casket ... it literally never occurred to me that this stuff doesn't just somehow materialize around a death, and the death of someone whose body is whisked away and has few friends, no family and no religious connections isn't going to be like that At All. It's certainly not going to be handled by Someone Else, in any event.

I'm expecting the opposite of what you say, frankly. The Century of The Selfie, the quarter million dollar college degree and the $200,000 wedding will undoubtedly extend to the final send off at some point, don't you think?

[Teacher Terry]

When my MIL died she was cremated. Because her siblings lived out of town we waited 3 weeks for the celebration of life so people could get cheap airfare. The day they arrived I cooked for 30 people. The next day the service was at a room the casino where she worked for 30 years donated so people could pop in and out on their breaks. Afterwards back to our house for food I ordered from the deli. It was nice.

[catherine]

When my MIL died she was cremated. Because her siblings lived out of town we waited 3 weeks for the celebration of life so people could get cheap airfare. The day they arrived I cooked for 30 people. The next day the service was at a room the casino where she worked for 30 years donated so people could pop in and out on their breaks. Afterwards back to our house for food I ordered from the deli. It was nice.

That is nice, TT. When my mother died in early February (1997), my brother couldn't travel because he had just had a pacemaker put in, so she had a simple wake in her hometown, was cremated, and then in the following May we had a celebration at the hotel that was a block away from the summer cottage where she and I both spent our childhoods. We had a nice lunch at the hotel, where I dressed the tables in her favorite breakfast--M&Ms and Coca-Cola--and we spoke our tributes and then spilled her ashes into the Long Island Sound.

[Simplemind]

One of the things we say is that you can spend years planning a wedding down to the finest detail but nobody thinks about a funeral. I work with so many people who are in stun mode after an unexpected death. So often I hear "I never thought this could happen.". People put it off and hope somebody else will take care of it. Often those left are the least prepared to make those decisions, a funeral home must be chosen within 24 hours (unless the ME is investigating) and then there are all those arrangements. Another biggie is thinking/knowing somebody prepaid only to find that the proof of prepayment can't be found. Even if you have prepaid and know who you paid, without the paperwork sometimes (ugh....) they don't keep records and won't honor it without proof. Which is why I often advise to shop around just to find out who is most reasonable and make that note in the papers of your wishes. I also know of places who have said the costs have gone up since the original arrangement and ask for more money.

[catherine]

I have an envelope in a pigeonhole in my desk labeled "In the event of my death" in which I have passwords to my online accounts (I try to update it regularly), bank account numbers, and other logistical things that they may need. I also have a signed copy of my advance directive/will, and a list of ideas for my service (favorite songs and readings) and how I want my body disposed of.

I told my oldest son where he can find this envelope (not DH, as he hates talking about death and he won't remember if I predeceased him).

Prepaying would be a good next step. Thanks for these ideas.

[happystuff]

Happy, I am so sorry you lost your son. Two of my friends lost children and it’s the worst.

Thank you.

[flowerseverywhere]

One more thing I learned. My friend did not immediately say where she wanted donations to go. She has been overrun with flowers, fruit baskets and plants people sent. She has a friend who works at the local soup kitchen and she gave her several big bags of fruit which of course they gladly took. Those real expensive oranges for instance, she got a crate of several dozen. One person cannot possibly consume them. And they only keep so long. Some fruits like apples she does not have the time to freeze, The flowers will die and she doesn’t like to take care of plants. Money that could have gone to good use somewhere.
So unfortunately, money could have gone to her charity, hospice, if only she had designated them early on. It matters not if it is hospice, a cancer association, library, church, animal shelter. Make sure the message gets out of a designated charity immediately.