Feeling sorry for DD during the holidays

[iris lilies]

I think one holiday is perfectly reasonable but all of them with in-laws - NO. My experience was that if it goes on too long, you can't really break away and do your own thing.

If you (the generic you) dont have the balls to change plans, then it is best to start out these married lifestyles floating the idea “each year we will decide what to do for each holiday. This year I decide to spend it with you, dear MIL.”

The notion that each year is a separate plan sets the groundwork for a future change.

pinkytoe, did you ever consider spending a holiday separately from your husband? If he wanted to go to your inlaws but you did not, did the two of you ever carry out separate plans?

We did that for years and are fine with it. Xmas is just another day for me,and DH being there or not being there isnt all that important. To have *A* Christmas experience might be important to me depending on the year, but it doesnt have to be on the actual day. In some years when the mood struck, We took an afternoon or a day to drive around looking at lights, or visiting a holiday decorated historic site, or etc. then had a nice dinner. Over and done. Then he could drive off thru the shitty westher, spending 8 hours on the road, to arrive at the hugely hot overly crowded and noisy farmhouse in the middle of nowhere to escape, and he could spend that time with his family who are all nice people.

Meanwhile, I stayed home and had a peaceful quiet time. Win-win.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I don't think I have much say over holidays. I don't enjoy them. They aren't mine anyway. Maybe I'd rather just work. No ahem MY family is not demanding, they don't ask anything. But other people expect to go out for chinese food on xmas and so on ..

[Simplemind]

Back when I was growing up certain Aunts had each of the holidays. They were fabulous entertainers and we wouldn't have missed a one of them. Then modern life came in and many of us (all of us actually) ended up getting divorced which meant our kids went to different sides of the family back and forth on holidays. Then remarriages etc.
It was always nuts to me that people ran around trying to spend a little time with everybody. Current DH was always of the mind that children have the holidays in their own home - no traveling. Now that all the kids are adults sometimes they want to come home and sometimes they want to host their own thing for their own friends.
So years ago we took the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, All the December birthdays) off the calendar day and chose a day where nobody had any other conflicts. It is generally the first Saturday of December but this year it is today. We have a huge potluck and play card and board games. It is very laid back in that we don't exchange gifts anymore either. So it is all about food (which is a shared responsibility) and fun. Everybody is happy.

[Yppej]

My mother is like this the only exception being if you are legally married you get to alternate the holidays. I had a boyfriend once who went with me to my parents for Thanksgiving. His family had a big reunion in Texas but he could not attend. He called there and my mother got all upset saying he was being rude and the holiday should have been all our family and not even a call to his.

My DB and SIL are out and got a real good deal on tickets, less than $100 for both of them, and she is insisting on giving them hundreds of dollars for travel expenses that they never asked for. Her mother did the same thing - pressure to come see her and bribe/reward money when you do. My son will no longer go to his grandmother's or take gifts from her due to this dynamic.

[iris lilies]

Simplemind, that sounds like a perfect family celebration!

[iris lilies]

All of my blathering on this thread doesnt recognize that DH and I had one of the CHRISTMAS DOYENNES as a friend, someone who was as bad as a Mother in Law with her outsize expectations of when the holiday must be experienced and how it must be experienced. It was really too much some years.

But other years it was fine. And we never had to drive through snow to get there, just trudge four doorsteps away.

It yes, the expectations of obligatory behavior ramp up this time of year.

[Tybee]

Back when I was growing up certain Aunts had each of the holidays. They were fabulous entertainers and we wouldn't have missed a one of them. Then modern life came in and many of us (all of us actually) ended up getting divorced which meant our kids went to different sides of the family back and forth on holidays. Then remarriages etc.
It was always nuts to me that people ran around trying to spend a little time with everybody. Current DH was always of the mind that children have the holidays in their own home - no traveling. Now that all the kids are adults sometimes they want to come home and sometimes they want to host their own thing for their own friends.
So years ago we took the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, All the December birthdays) off the calendar day and chose a day where nobody had any other conflicts. It is generally the first Saturday of December but this year it is today. We have a huge potluck and play card and board games. It is very laid back in that we don't exchange gifts anymore either. So it is all about food (which is a shared responsibility) and fun. Everybody is happy.

That sounds so nice!!

[Gardnr]

We didn't have kids. We were never "allowed" to host holidays. After 40 years, I suspect that there is an expectation that we will carry the torch with that generation approaching 80. no thanks! We are soooo OVER hosting-not interested. We shall see what happens in the coming years.

There have been times my sister/BIL/2 kids didn't feel like traveling to our family. So she'd host us (she's horribly allergic to cats and I have 2), and we would do a very low-key meal/hang out/do puzzles in their home. Wonderful leisurely day.

1 year they were so pooped, we all went to our cabin for 3 days for Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time. Cooked a simple dinner, stayed in jammies all day. Watched some football, did some puzzling, chatted and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I would say this is one of my most memorable family holidays since burying both parents.

[Simplemind]

I went to the grocery store this morning to buy the items for my part of the potluck tonight. So many people were shopping and looking strained. As I was going out this gal was coming in looking like her hair was on fire. There were no carts left so I offered her mine saying it was dry and had no wonky wheels. She burst into tears. I asked if she was OK and she said she wasn't. She had a terrible cold but couldn't get out of her family obligations and what they demanded she cook. She had so much to do cleaning and decorating and no help to do it. Gave her a hug a cough drop and some Purell. Oh honey...………… you are doing it wrong.
For us Thanksgiving is the Saturday after and we usually do our December dinner the first weekend in December but DH was sick with a cold so it moved to today which is also our Anniversary. BUT, if it hadn't worked we would have moved it to any other date, even into January. We are so not into stressing. If I was that poor woman I would be going on strike. No wonder so many are soooooooo crabby. I hope my wonderful Aunts from all holidays past never harbored those feelings. If they did they never said a word. My mom hated entertaining and expected us over there days and the day before doing all of the cleaning, decorating and a lot of the cooking.

[sweetana3]

Way too many people without boundaries. I always wonder what is held over their heads so they fulfill someone else's demands?

Maybe we lived too far from all our relatives. We simply told them no traveling over the holidays since it was way too stressful. We visited at other times of the year when driving was not so dangerous.

Change the "traditions". Serve a simple brunch or serve yourself something like a chili bar etc. If you have a tree, let the kids decorate and live with what they do. Stop the madness of trying to be magazine perfect. Choose alternate years to visit houses. So many options out there to simplify.

But the basic thing always seems to come down to boundaries. Once you are an adult, you truly are allowed to make your own choices.