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Thread: Feeling sorry for DD during the holidays

  1. #21
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    Every time I think about moving back so I can know my grand children a bit better, I think about how strained things would be with DD's in-laws calling the shots. They are now buying another house a few miles away from DD and family so their presence will probably be a weekly thing.

  2. #22
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkytoe View Post
    Every time I think about moving back so I can know my grand children a bit better, I think about how strained things would be with DD's in-laws calling the shots. They are now buying another house a few miles away from DD and family so their presence will probably be a weekly thing.

    Thats good because that saves your daughter packing up her kids and driving 3 hours for holidays.

    I will bet she could say she wants her children in their own home for christmas and birthday celebrations and etc, and Her expectation will ne honored. She Might have to out up with a mother in law in the mix, but that is far better than schlepping kids and equipment around in winter.

  3. #23
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    I was just in a bad mood when I replied to this thread. With me it's more my bf never takes time off work, but since the company he works for shuts down over the holidays he has some, but what do you know his family scheduling stuff then. And I'll what wait another year for next years holidays for him to have any time off (now that I have a full time job I have vacation time, not generous and I need to save some for sick but nontheless).

    Just unfortunate we never get to take a vacation together etc.. Better for the planet anyway I suppose, doing the right thing here , but I wasn't even thinking I must fly around the world, I'd settle for going somewhere in state, would be perfectly fine, a two hour train trip might be nice, an extra staycation just the two of us, would be an improvement ... you get the idea, it's just work without breaks and I'll take my vacation days alone.
    Trees don't grow on money

  4. #24
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
    Way too many people without boundaries. I always wonder what is held over their heads so they fulfill someone else's demands?

    Maybe we lived too far from all our relatives. We simply told them no traveling over the holidays since it was way too stressful. We visited at other times of the year when driving was not so dangerous.

    Change the "traditions". Serve a simple brunch or serve yourself something like a chili bar etc. If you have a tree, let the kids decorate and live with what they do. Stop the madness of trying to be magazine perfect. Choose alternate years to visit houses. So many options out there to simplify.

    But the basic thing always seems to come down to boundaries. Once you are an adult, you truly are allowed to make your own choices.
    Oh yes! So much so.

    But people will not be able to resist telling you they are “hurt.” And that is ok because setting boundaries DOES in fact “hurt” people, or they say it does. Personally, I think these people too often confuse disappointment with “hurt.”

    so in pulling back from Holiday expectations we must be prepared to hear about the “hurt” of others. That is anathema for most.

  5. #25
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    APN, it sounds like your BF doesn’t have good boundaries because it’s ridiculous that you two never take a vacation.

  6. #26
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    APN, it sounds like your BF doesn’t have good boundaries because it’s ridiculous that you two never take a vacation.
    Yeah, boundaries or priorities. APN and BF have been together long enough that they could take at least some time (if not all of it) for their own celebration. Why should she constantly play second fiddle to his family?
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  7. #27
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    Yeah, boundaries or priorities. APN and BF have been together long enough that they could take at least some time (if not all of it) for their own celebration. Why should she constantly play second fiddle to his family?
    I agree that if it is true

    1) the only time extended time off the bf has is at holiday time

    2) he spends that time with his family

    3) ANM would like the two of them to go out off town together

    Then bf should compromise on point 1 or 2 now and then.APN is perfectly reasonable in her expectations.

    I once had a boyfriend who started out with a warning he took all holidays to go hiking and biking and mountaineering and etc. Dont expect him to be around during holidays! Dont make plans with him!

    Little did he know that I relished the idea of being off from work and being totally and blissfully, alone, responsible for no one. Not having to talk to anyone for 3 days was my jam.

    it was a good match and besides, he spent a fair amount of time hanging around during holidays anyway, as it turned out. We didnt live together, that would have been too much togetherness for me.

  8. #28
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Life is short, ANM; you need to have a loving conversation with your SO now, while you have a modicum of youth and health left.

    As has been said many times--no one says, as they lie dying "I wish I had spent more time at the office." At least, no one sane.

    Iris Lily, I couldn't agree more about time by oneself. But I don't think I've ever been attracted to a jock/rock climber/mountain biker--not, as you would say "my jam." I prefer indoor types, by far.

  9. #29
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    So, family dynamics are SO weird.. here's my situation for this Christmas which ties in with this thread's theme of the family holiday tug-of-war:

    We WERE going to go to NJ in December, stay through Jan and Feb. Well, as it turns out, I went to Japan for 11 days of December. Came back and had serious jet lag, and just was feeling overwhelmed about getting the house in order before we left, plus getting Christmas presents, finishing up 3 projects before the end of the year, etc etc. Plus DS#3 was going to be alone, because DS#2 is spending days with his inlaws, and DD#2 is spending days with her in-laws-to-be.

    So DH and I weighed the pros and cons and decided to postpone going to NJ until after Christmas. It would give me time to get everything done I have to do, DH could have a procedure he undergoes every couple of months up here at UVM, where they do a great job, and DS#3 won't be alone.

    I told DS#1 (the NJ son) and he was very understanding.. he was going to his in-laws anyway, and we'll see each other for two months etc etc.

    Well, today, DS#3 called DS#1 just to say hi, and DS#1 gave him the cold shoulder: "I hear Mom and Dad are staying in Vermont because of you. That just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'll call you later." (Hangs up).

    I was so surprised. Staying for DS#3 was certainly not the only reason we were staying--there were the other reasons. But I got to thinking that maybe DS#1 misses us more than he's let on?? He has sent me some very sentimental texts recently, which were so nice, but maybe--could it be?--he misses us. Or he's concerned we're being martyrs and sacrificing our wishes for DS#3, but not so. DS#3 said several times he was at peace with being alone on Christmas.

    Oh, well. This is our big transitional year, and things were bound to crack a little. I guess DH and I better get through Christmas and DH's procedure and get to NJ asap.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  10. #30
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Coming back from Japan is a mean jet-lag. i don't usually have a problem but did for that trip.

    As you work through the issues with kids and in-laws/outlaws, know that you cannot please everyone all the time. You will go nuts trying.
    May I very humbly suggest that you and DH decide what is honestly important to the two of you, ask the family to work with you on this approach and help you make it happen.

    If you don't know what you want, the kids et al will be confused and struggling to understand with hurt feelings very likely.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

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