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Thread: That authenticity thing

  1. #1
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    That authenticity thing

    Is exhausting.

    i found the thread I started a few years ago. I didnít add on to it because itís too long, but itís the one on ďbecoming authenticĒ

    this year is a roller coaster.

    Joy - my dd1 is going to have a baby in July.

    and pain - canít share much, but there have been two dead young people in my life this year, three youth suicide attempts, and a mental health crisis that has a family I love facing a murder trial.

    and many small things on both sides.

    i have learned that loving like youíll never be hurt hurts pretty much constantly. And that I know no other way to love.

    i have learned that I believe in redemption. And mercy and grace.

    i have lost the energy or patience to judge, care, or argue about small things.

    my definition of ďsmall thingsĒ has expanded exponentially.

    I am doing a lot of re-examining of what matters in my life from a clean slate perspective (if this were someone elseís life and was stepping into it with full power to edit, would I choose this?) and letting go if the weight of previous decisions (for example decoupling the garden from good years and bad years, successes, failures, and expectations and simply looking at it as a piece of yard and deciding what, if anything, I want to do with it this year. Just this year. - sometimes and some decisions, just today.)

    i still love my job, and it still brings me small joys every day. I look for them harder now. I may cut back my hours next year however because I will have my grandchild one day a week. (The day I already donít work) I have left my schedule in the hands of my boss - I gave her my class options list for next year and a request for a full day off if she can fit my core classes into three days. 2nd choice is four full days which would actually be a schedule increase. We had a conversation about why something in between is the worst option.

    i am doing more with my pottery. I have made more connections through that in the local community and may add soap to my repertoire. I am not sure how I feel about my local community or being more visible in it

    Dh is in charge of dinner. Full stop.

    I have gained a significant amount of weight and dislike my body from a functional standpoint. But when I get to the end of the day I am wrung out, and dh brings me comfort on a plate and I eat too much. And I donít exercise enough because I put too much of my energy in other places. And joint pain. I need to stop and look at this one because there is a lot more to unpack in it.

    i am still fighting depression.

    I have realized I have very few people I trust to help me carry the things in my life that are too heavy for me. And the idea of sharing that weight with most of them is unbearable.

    Lately I get up every day open to the possibility of the best possible outcome but expecting that I will get the opposite. Someone recently called me an optimist, and I responded that it is less about believing that everything will work out and more about learning to be pleasantly surprised that I am not dead.

  2. #2
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    I just want to say how much I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability, and how listening to your words helps me in my every day life. I am currently in a difficult family situation (90 year old father just diagnosed with aggressive cancer, mother with dementia who is in denial and insists she is "fine") and your words helped me today. Thank you.

  3. #3
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Wow, CL, looks like you've learned a lot of significant things about yourself this year ("The unexamined life is not worth living."--emerson). I'm so sorry for your losses and challenges. I admire your ability to turn them into touchstones for growth and change in your own life.

    It's always so great to hear from you, and I, and I'm sure many of us, missed you during your "hiatus" from the forum this year. Thanks for checking in--and being so authentic.

    herbgeek, I'm so sorry about your parents' health challenges.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  4. #4
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    Thank you for sharing. I am sending you hugs and positive energies. I could very well have written some of the things in your post. I agree, it is exhausting.
    To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi

    Be nice whenever possible. It's always possible. - Dalai Lama

  5. #5
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    It is good to hear from you CL, but I'm very sorry for the recent tragedies in your life.
    Herbgeek: I'm sorry to hear about the issues with your parents. My MIL has the denial version of dementia too. I tell myself that at least she is spared the anguish that my mother has, since my mom is fully aware of her own Alzheimer's Disease.

  6. #6
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    CL, You are a good writer with great insight. Your post made our SL website a better place today even if you are not in a good place right now.

  7. #7
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    It's so good to see you back, Chicken lady, and sorry to hear you are going through difficult times.

  8. #8
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Some years just seem to have it all, don't they?

    I have no answers; I'm pretty good at enduring, but it gets old. Actually, getting old gets old.

    The capacity for being pleasantly surprised by life's small pleasures is an underrated skill, and a very good one to have.

  9. #9
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Thanks to all for posting as life has its challenges. Sometimes we feel alone in all of this and having someone sharing their vulnerability is so helpful and supportive. I asked a mentor how to deal with all the garbage going on at one point; he gently pointed out that I was built for the high seas not sitting in a harbour and we go through storms, we don't stay in them. I found that helpful so sharing that with the hope that others find it helpful as well.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  10. #10
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    About 20 years ago I had a horrible year and went from a energetic optimistic to barely functioning. I went to work everyday and then took a walk. I would be in bed by 6 and sleep 12 hours. I have never been that depressed in my life. What you are going through is so sad. Sending hugs.

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