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Thread: This is dark and possibly upsetting

  1. #1
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    This is dark and possibly upsetting

    But I am really struggling.

    dh looked at me yesterday and said “you are broken, and I don’t know how to fix you.”

    and I said “I know. I don’t know either.”

    And he asked “what is breaking you?”

    to which I replied “top of the list today? I’m living in a world where children want to die.”

    He tried to say he thought nothing had changed, that it is just “media awareness” and I listed by name the six young people in my life who have attempted to take their lives in the last 8 months. Two succeeded. One is in the hospital. Two are in residential facilities.

    he said “it has been a bad year.”

    I wake up every day and I feel like the world is burning and I don’t know what to do. Every action I can take seems so small and meaningless. And yet, I do not have the strength, connections, power, for big, dramatic actions. I can’t find anything I could do that I feel like would make a difference. I try to focus on the tasks in front of me. But it is overwhelming.

    my grandfather was a surgeon. When I asked him what he did in the war he said “patch up broken boys so they could go back and die.” He drank himself to death.

    i cry a lot.

    i don’t know how people who care just keep going. I see the light in the world, but somehow it just makes the blackness more dark.

    my daughter is going to have a baby and I am happy and excited and I haven’t even told one if my best friends because we raised our kids together and her son is awaiting trial for murder and holding those two things in my heart at the same time is agonizing and I can’t imagine how it would feel to her.

    what do you do? How do you make it enough? How do you make it stop hurting and if you don’t, how do you live like a normal person anyway?

    i am great in the classroom. I am good at the pottery studio. And at home, I have nothing left.

  2. #2
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I wish I could give you a big hug.

    You can't save the world, CL. You were put on earth to attend to your small corner of it, which you are doing in spades. There are so many things we can't control, and it's an acceptance of those things that gives us some measure of peace. My father died a homeless drunk. My stepfather did the same. How did I cope with that loss? I put on an emotional coat of armor. My best friend in high school told me that I was like a flower with a thick coat of wax that only the strongest sun could penetrate and melt.

    But that's not so great either. It caused me to sleepwalk through many things in my life that I should have had a healthier response to. It has led to many regrets.

    So somewhere, we have to find the line between being overwhelmed by the world's pain and immunizing ourselves against it.

    I still have active addiction in my family that keeps me up at night. But years of Al-anon have taught me that I can't control everything. Some things I have to hand over to God. And I also have to find a way to accept life as it is, while throwing at least one or two starfish back in the sea. What helps me now is trying not to impose my sense of what "should" be on things in my life. It also helps to see and recognize the bright points of light in life and practicing gratitude on a regular basis.

    Sometimes that's not enough, though. Have you ever considered professional help just to work through those feelings of sadness?
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  3. #3
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    If I remember in the past you have rejected counseling and medication. I hope you will reconsider.

    Where your main concern is mental health a NAMI friends and family support group may help. The one in my area was small and not helpful but where you live it may be better.

    Your Employee Assistance Plan may also be able to help.

    As you teach there are many young people whose lives you touch who are not suicidal. You are doing good work.

    My son was hospitalized last month for suicidal plans but is home and better now. Things do get better. Not all years are bad years.

  4. #4
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    When my daughter was born, they gave me a narcotic. It did absolutely nothing for the pain, but it relaxed me completely. Everything still hurt, but I did not care. All the Secondary responses to pain were gone. I also became disassociated and completely uncooperative. It was an amazing feeling and I could very easily become an addict. In fact, an argument could be made that I am an addict that has simply chosen never to take a second hit. I am never going to Voluntarily try psychoactive medication. The idea of being chemically separated from caring makes me ill.

    Is therapy going to teach me not to be sad about sad things? THAT sounds crazy.

    My “Employee Assistance Plan” is Becky who tries to organize your coworkers to bring meals if your kid is in the hospital.

    i know I can’t fix everything. It is the knowing that makes me angry and sad.

    and I do not mean to be offensive, but handing things off to god is not particularly satisfying. I am not adequately impressed with their track record. Mostly they just hands things back. “God has no hands on Earth but ours.” Remembering that is the only thing that lets me entertain the possibility of a benevolent force.

    There is always the possibility that I could have done more. And I understand that the race is a marathon and not a sprint. But it is the never knowing when to sprint part that breaks me.

    There is a rote conversation, where the first person says what they would have done if they had known, and the second person says you couldn’t know and then the first person is supposed to accept that and feel better. But I accept that and feel angry. I want to scream “well that is the part we need to fix then, isn’t it?”

  5. #5
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    Oh , Chicken Lady, I, too, would like to give you a big hug. Part of depression is feeling hopeless and angry and that nothing will help. I also encourage you to try therapy. I had a licensed clinical social worker who was an amazing help to me. I went for 3 or 4 years, then back after something else happened, then just last Dec. and I hadn't been for 15 years...I was so glad she was still in practice. But, it may help you cope with the "knowing that makes you angry and sad." Broken can be helped. Hugs to you.

  6. #6
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    Sending hugs and healing vibes.

    Art Grabowski, of Grand Forks, North Dakota, died at the age of 105. He was a lifelong learner, interested in art, music, history, science, current events, and nature. In retirement he worked as a picture-framer and wood-worker. Some of his turned wooden bowls are in the collection of the ND Museum of Art. After his wife died, Art Grabowski sang in a Barbershop quartet; he credited Barbershop with keeping him alive.

    His obituary stated, "He had a lot of people die in his life, but he taught us that you have to go on. You can be sad, but you have to go on."

  7. #7
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    There are non-narcotic medication options.

  8. #8
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    CL, you do have an answer for whatever anyone is talking to you about and why that wont work for you. .

    so I wonder, what it is you expect to get from your post?

  9. #9
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Who appointed you the caretaker of the world? Seriously, who did?

    When I try to be Mrs Fixit for all the challenges that are happening around me, I struggle as you are doing right now. I was no help to those I love, even dragged them down with me like a drowning person.
    ,
    You are a light of life, joy and creativity. Your job is to be the best, brightest light you can be. That is all that you own. Each of us has full ownership of our lives.

    My bleakest moment came when it was the Myanmar police and priests who were slaughtering and assaulting the Rohingya population - women, children and men. I had such a trust that some principles would govern the priests and police and their actions. I walked around in a frustrated rage. Did it help those poor people being assaulted or correct those committing the crimes? I accomplished absolutely nothing!!!!!! When I finally admitted that truth to myself, I swore that my life was worth more than feeling helpless and useless.

    As Catherine posted above, you decide what you will do with your life. Feeling heartbroken, frustrated and discouraged simply sucks the life out of you and hurts those around you. It is absolutely useless and a waste of a precious gift of life.

    I have become comfortable with feeling vulnerable. I invite people to join me for coffee, a walk, taste testing, dinners, some events with spontaneity. I share my joy and gratitude in simple things, remind people of their important contributions to the moment and/or over their lives. The world needs to be loved and supported in so many ways.
    The response has been wonderful. People spend so much time watching TV which sensationalizes and sell ads to make more money. People have been so hypnotized by the dark reports and images. I find and share the wonderful things that are happening all around us; I create a truthful antidote to all that cr*p. My life has purpose and value in doing so.

    I use the analogy of being a lifeguard. i don't jump in the water with the drowning victim who can pull me down with both of us drowning. I lovingly and tenderly provide options of support and rescue. Whether they choose to accept any option or not is up to them as they are sovereign beings. I am not a Mrs. Fixit for the world. I am only one ray of sunshine among many but 'dam-it' I am shining with my whole heart. That is my reason for living. I love being alive as there is so much good going on.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  10. #10
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    Generally when fighting depression, one gives the person tools that do help.

    what exactly would it look like if a therapist “fixed” me.

    when I was anemic and low on energy, I took iron and I felt better because it solved the underlying problem of iron deficiency. I did not take strong stimulants that made me feel energetic while leaving the anemia in place.

    what I would like are some better tools to address the underlying causes of the pain, not tools to make the pain go away.

    what I want to know is how to better fix what is broken that is breaking me. What I want uis a course of action that I can believe will create results. I would like to feel like I tipped the balance, a stretch of time where the good things I helped with feel bigger than the bad things I didn’t, or couldn’t help, or worse - contributed to. where the preventable bad stuff happens to people I don’t know or at least I don’t feel like it should have been preventable by me.

    i have a friend at work who smokes. She knows that I wish she wouldn’t smoke and that I would be happy to support her in any way I can if she decides to quit. If she dies of lungs cancer, I will be sad, and true or not, I will feel like it was preventable, but I won’t feel like I should have been able to do something about it.

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