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Thread: Inheritances

  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by herbgeek View Post
    Given that my father died yesterday, this is freshly on my mind. One of my brothers, the one who was given the most, has a grievance that he's owed my parents money. My dad went and wrote my sister and I a letter (as we are co executors) outlining a number of financial gifts that my older brother got that we didn't knew about. My father was concerned that his son was going to cry poor house (and he is) and warned us not to listen to his half truths and fabrications. In the will, I get $20K first before the estate is divided up among us 4, because I was the only one who never took any financial outpatient assistance. At first I was uncomfortable with this, but now as I understand how much money my sibling s got, I'm at peace with it. Even the $20k is only a small fraction of what my siblings got through direct and indirect means (Dad gave my brother 10 years free rent for example).

    That said, the money first flows to my mother, who has dementia. At the point where she realizes she either needs to move or hire caregivers, I want to hire good quality caregivers, and have all the house equity be spent that way so there's nothing left to split up. In 2 years, my dad's estate will be getting a large balloon payment for a business he sold and I expect we will have to go through all of this again at that point.
    Oh, herbgeek, please accept my condolences on the loss of your dad.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    Herb, I am so sorry for your loss. Glad that there is money to take care of your mom.

  3. #13
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry about your dad, Herbgeek.

  4. #14
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    Herb, sorry for your loss.

  5. #15
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    Thank you all on the condolences. Its been a slog for the last couple of months juggling our lives to provide care. Still up in the air what to do about Mom. Mom is saying at this moment she wants to stay in the house, and my sister is advocating for doing that. I think Mom would be better off in a facility where someone could make sure she showers, and doesn't leave food out for days and would have other people to talk to.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    I'm with you herbgeek. My siblings wanted dad to stay home, dad wanted to stay home but none of them understood what that was going to mean. I had to make the hard decisions and that included moving dad after attempting to patchwork assistance for him. Nobody (except me) could get out there every day or stay very long. He wasn't taking care of himself or the property. Things were beginning to disappear. Once we moved him he was no longer isolated and it was easier to make sure he had good care. His depression lifted. It was a huge relief and although those years were brief I look back on them fondly. We loved where he was and visiting was a joy instead of having to work on all domestic chores that needed to be done. I could be a daughter instead of a caregiver, housekeeper, chauffer, landscaper, cook, landlord, etc. I always dreaded visiting him at home because I knew he needed to be moved. Each time I had to do a quick inventory to see if things were gone. I also could see the eventual job of cleaning and liquidating everything and it was overwhelming and I left feeling totally depressed and anxious.

  7. #17
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    My general observation about senior citizens at the level of some fragility is that the ones most competent at decision making give up their house for a simpler abode, while the ones least competent hang onto the family home with their fingernails dug in.

    Yes, this is a generalization, but it is what I see.

    our friends who are in their early 80’s gave up their large, showplace homes for condos. They are very active in our neighborhood and they travel outside of the United States, one couple multiple times a year, the other woman once a year.

    They know their limits, they know how to keep active and involved in life.

    Others in our neighborhood downsized in creative ways in their mid 60’s, again giving up large victorian showplaces, to ready themselves for the next 25-35 years of their lives.

  8. #18
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    My condolences Herbgeek. As the parent I am trying to make the transition between now and my passing (in 20+ years or more) as painless as possible. I have tried to ensure that whatever money or benefit I do for one, I do for the other at all times. It is the inequities that create problems later.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  9. #19
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    Once someone has dementia and their spouse dies they need to be in a facility. My mom was sharp but fighting cancer in her apartment. We all lived out of town but still helped. She was not safe but was willing to take the risk and we totally agreed. Nothing worse then being in a facility with your mind intact unless you can afford a expensive assisted living facility. A week before she died she fell and forgot to put her cellphone in her pocket so laid for 24 hours until her sister found her. She went to hospice and died a week later. I didn’t mind using all my vacation and sick leave to fly out when she needed me. My siblings were closer and retired. We are happy she did it her way.

  10. #20
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    My condolences, Herbgeek.
    I think IL's analysis is usually correct. Those who have foresight will accept that they will decline at some point and plan for it. We had to wait till bones were broken to get MIL into assisted living - she tripped over an ottoman and broke her wrist. But had that not happened, she would have never conceded it was time. The irony is that being a social person, she is enjoying all the company at the facility over being isolated and alone. In the meantime, it appears that any inheritance she has left will probably be squabbled over by DH's siblings. We removed ourselves from the fray by moving away...at least for the time being.

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