Oh, herbgeek, please accept my condolences on the loss of your dad.Given that my father died yesterday, this is freshly on my mind. One of my brothers, the one who was given the most, has a grievance that he's owed my parents money. My dad went and wrote my sister and I a letter (as we are co executors) outlining a number of financial gifts that my older brother got that we didn't knew about. My father was concerned that his son was going to cry poor house (and he is) and warned us not to listen to his half truths and fabrications. In the will, I get $20K first before the estate is divided up among us 4, because I was the only one who never took any financial outpatient assistance. At first I was uncomfortable with this, but now as I understand how much money my sibling s got, I'm at peace with it. Even the $20k is only a small fraction of what my siblings got through direct and indirect means (Dad gave my brother 10 years free rent for example).
That said, the money first flows to my mother, who has dementia. At the point where she realizes she either needs to move or hire caregivers, I want to hire good quality caregivers, and have all the house equity be spent that way so there's nothing left to split up. In 2 years, my dad's estate will be getting a large balloon payment for a business he sold and I expect we will have to go through all of this again at that point.