Confused and in love at 65

[corkym]

I haven't been on here in quite some time. Not sure if I have posted since my husband passed away about a year and 3 months ago. We had a very difficult marriage. I was the one that was the main support in the family. He wasn't very responsible and also had serious health issues for the last 35 yrs. The last few yrs we did heal our relationship but still I have felt bitter at times and went through a horrible grieving process with all kinds of emotions I had stifled for 45 years. We got married at 20, I am 65 now.


His best friend was his best man at our wedding. Unbeknownst to me he had a secret crush on me back then. When I was dating my husband casually I had a crush on his best friend also. Neither of us said anything because of loyalty to my husband. We hooked up on facebook about 10 years ago and became very good friends, kidding around with each other and just having fun.


Then my husband passed away. A year later in Sept. his best friend let me know he was in love with me. I was shocked. And confused. He had never been in a serious relationship over these 45 yrs and never been in love. He said I am the only one he has loved. He has pretty much been alone with very few friends. We click with our personalities.


But he doesn't communicate every day with me. Only a couple times a week and I usually have to initiate it. And that bothers me. If you are in love shouldn't you be talking every day? He just doesn't seem to understand that. He wants me to move to where he is. I am lonely and I do love him and I trust him. But he just isn't a very big talker. I know he loves me, but am I missing something? I told him for now I just want to be friends and I will visit him in a few months to see how we get along. But should I bother going there when he doesn't make an effort to talk to me. Maybe I am too needy. Does anyone have any experience with this situation? I am grateful for any advice I can get. I think I might be looking for a Hallmark movie love and expecting too much. I wonder if him being in his 60's and never married has something to do with not communicating that well. Thank you for enlightening me if you can.

[Teacher Terry]

I am guessing he is not used to a lot of communication. I would take it slow and visit so you get to know the older him.

[corkym]

I think that sounds pretty wise and what I should be doing. Just you saying get to know "the older him" makes me stop and think. I know I am a completely different person than when I was 20 and obviously he is too. Thank you!

[ejchase]

I would trust your instincts and take it slow.

As a general rule of thumb, I consider it a red flag if an adult over 40 has not been in a long-term committed relationship ever. That suggests to me they don't have the skills to sustain one. It's totally possible he could learn - and you could learn how to navigate a healthier one than the one you had - but I think you're right to give yourselves time together without rushing in to living in the same place.

[corkym]

You both are making me see this objectively and that is what I needed. My thinking is really muddled on this. Love always clouds good judgement. I appreciate so much your taking time to respond to me.

[sweetana3]

My dad lost my mom at about 85. He remarried a 45 year old and it was a totally different experience for both of them than any previous relationship. It was most amazing (and wonderful) thing to see. I agree with the take it easy approach. There is nothing and no one rushing you into something. My brother is in his 60s and never married. Just never found anyone to take him in hand. But he has a lot of women friends all over and is a really good man.

At this age, we are no longer worried about pregnancy but of the impact of old age. Marriage is not necessary. But moving for someone is close to marriage and if he was no longer around, do you want to live in that new location?

[Yppej]

If the visit goes well later he should come visit you. You should not be doing all the traveling.

Factors for me would be is he healthy or consciously or subconsciously looking for a nurse and is he easy enough to get along with that you wouldn't mind being around him a lot if/when you are a retiree.

[razz]

Different people communicate in different ways. Some are talkers, others are not. This may help - https://oureverydaylife.com/love-languages-5533438.html

May I suggest that you go very slowly. My DH passed 7 years ago so while you and I each are unique, we do share common emotions and responses. You first need to clear up your thinking based on your past marriage, clean out the baggage so that you are seeing any new relationship honestly without the colour of the lens of the past. Whether you knew this friend from the past, it still is a brand-new relationship.

Are you seeing him for his valuable qualities that you truly value or are you simply lonely? What is he seeing and looking for?
The answers will come but take time. It is a lovely adventure and I wish you well.

[Tammy]

Also be sure that he isn’t in love with how you did most of the heavy lifting in your marriage. He might have romanticized that aspect of your marriage, and be thinking you will be the grown up in a marriage with him also. I think a big part of your new friendship with him should be a clear understanding of how you were not happy in your marriage. That any new relationship will need to be different.

[Gardnr]

I would suggest that you invite him to come to you first. Observe the interactions in your own environment. Thereafter, make it an alternating travel relationship.

I'm nearly 40y married to a very quiet introvert. We started dating at 16. The only communication we had is when I called him. We dated just 1/week on Saturday nights. Verbal communication is just not his comfort zone. Some days we talk all day long, and other days we are more like toddlers engaged in parallel play.

I concur with others who encourage you not to move too quickly to his environment. It could turn out that you may both thrive better in your environment than his.