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Thread: How much parenting in this situation?

  1. #11
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    catherine, I totally agree with the "self-worth" aspect in this situation. And love what your mom said!!!

    Paige - is your dd afraid to be without this guy or is she afraid to be "alone"? If/when she can answer that question honestly, she should be able to figure out what to do. I also agree - be supportive. It is her life to live and her decisions to make.

    It's hard being a parent!!! Hugs to you as well!
    To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi

    Be nice whenever possible. It's always possible. - Dalai Lama

  2. #12
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    Update: First of all, it was great to have a place to ask for unbiased, thoughtful advice. Thank you so much. We called her and asked if we could check in. I first asked her if she was single and she said she wasn't sure. Long story, but we proceeded to tell her basically "she was settling for crumbs." My husband surprised me and talked to her about the guys he knew that cheated on their wives/girlfriends and never really stopped. He kept going about how she deserved more, and it wasn't her fault. And we addressed the fact that this was 6 weeks and not just a one night stand. Also, we preceded everything with this is about you and you are strong and loved and capable and we feel like we need to say this, but we will support you no matter what. You guys were right on and we felt really good about the conversation and she was very open to hearing from us. There's more, but suffice it to say, it went well. I noticed that she took all of his pictures off of her instagram, so there's that, for whatever it's worth! Again, I appreciate your words of wisdom.

  3. #13
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    Best of luck to her!!
    To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi

    Be nice whenever possible. It's always possible. - Dalai Lama

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paige View Post
    Update: First of all, it was great to have a place to ask for unbiased, thoughtful advice. Thank you so much. We called her and asked if we could check in. I first asked her if she was single and she said she wasn't sure. Long story, but we proceeded to tell her basically "she was settling for crumbs." My husband surprised me and talked to her about the guys he knew that cheated on their wives/girlfriends and never really stopped. He kept going about how she deserved more, and it wasn't her fault. And we addressed the fact that this was 6 weeks and not just a one night stand. Also, we preceded everything with this is about you and you are strong and loved and capable and we feel like we need to say this, but we will support you no matter what. You guys were right on and we felt really good about the conversation and she was very open to hearing from us. There's more, but suffice it to say, it went well. I noticed that she took all of his pictures off of her instagram, so there's that, for whatever it's worth! Again, I appreciate your words of wisdom.
    no matter how this shakes out, both of you did a fabulous job in relaying information.

  5. #15
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    If your area has shelter in place orders he should be staying away from her and all the others he strings along. Silver lining. I wonder what all the players do now that they can't meet people at bars, parties, etc.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    I wonder what all the players do now that they can't meet people at bars, parties, etc.
    They are all busy online. My daughter told me she’s gotten a whole bunch of messages from a dating site that she’d forgotten about, it’s been at least 4 years since she was active on it. It shows approximate date of when the person last logged in- some pretty desperate dudes out there right now.

  7. #17
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    Yppeg, funny that you said they should be quarantining. Well, I just found out today that she is still seeing him. She is seeing a therapist, so that's good, and she knows it is a bad time to have a break up and she has tried 3 times to break up with him, but she has been seeing him. I avoided asking for a long time, but today I asked her what their status was because she blocked me on a "story" on Facebook which my niece saw. She can't decide if she will stay with him, but her therapist asked her "why do you think you have to make a decision right now." I still feel the same and I am super bummed that she is still seeing him. Six weeks of cheating is such a breach of trust it kills me. I said 'it must be hard to break up with someone during a pandemic....you can't even go flirt with someone." She acknowledged that was correct and then hemmed and hawed about the whole thing. I didn't give any advice or any comments, other than above. The only thing I can think of that I could remind her, so that she doesn't drive herself back to him is that the pandemic WILL end at some point. And she did tell me she still loved him. So ugh. Just venting, inviting comments, I don't know what I want, but I know she deserves better. She will always remember this betrayal. She is a worrier, too, so I know this will affect her long term. BUT.....trying to lay low. Thanks for listening!

  8. #18
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    So the more I think about it, what Happystuff asked makes sense: is your dd afraid to be without this guy or is she afraid to be "alone"? Should I ask her that?

  9. #19
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    Paige, does she feel responsible for him, for fixing him, helping him? Emotions are such complicated things that often, we have no idea what is driving our own or another's choices. The therapist will hopefully sort out this aspect. Does she need to be needed and therefore more easily manipulated? Keep supporting her as you have been doing as she goes through (she will get through!) this relationship. Do not let her feel or become isolated. Love her and remind her of her many strengths and all the activities that she is doing well in her life.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  10. #20
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    I don't think she wants to fix him, but they truly do get along well and she loves the outdoors, sports, camping, etc. and so does he. I am sure that he is a beggar, schmoozer, apologist, crier, etc. and has done all these things to get her back. He is very charming and is giving it his all. Since she is a worrier, I know she would always have this 6 week episode in her mind. Thank you for the reminder not to let her feel isolated. This was the first time that she admitted she is feeling lonely. I may encourage her brother, her cousin, and her aunt to also reach out, but not tell her it's a directive from me. We can also drive to her apt. (an hour away) and do some parking lot lunches. Thank you so much.

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