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Thread: How much parenting in this situation?

  1. #1
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    How much parenting in this situation?

    So my 25 year old just found her boyfriend of over a year cheated on her for six weeks. Of course, I don't want her to go back to him, but she might. Madly in love. He is actively trying to get her to stay with him, very apologetic, etc. but how much could you ever trust him? Besides telling her that she is cute, smart, accomplished, and there are lots of other fish in the sea...should I/we be done? My dh is hesitant to say anything...he did say "it's all about trust" and sort of left it hanging there. Am I done other than listening? (Thanks, I need some outside, unbiased advice). And we are very close and talk a lot....As a mom, it's so hard to watch her be indecisive.

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    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paige View Post
    So my 25 year old just found her boyfriend of over a year cheated on her for six weeks. Of course, I don't want her to go back to him, but she might. Madly in love. He is actively trying to get her to stay with him, very apologetic, etc. but how much could you ever trust him? Besides telling her that she is cute, smart, accomplished, and there are lots of other fish in the sea...should I/we be done? My dh is hesitant to say anything...he did say "it's all about trust" and sort of left it hanging there. Am I done other than listening? (Thanks, I need some outside, unbiased advice). And we are very close and talk a lot....As a mom, it's so hard to watch her be indecisive.
    It is heartbreaking to watch our kids go through such stuff but important for their secure future.

    There are books such as "5 Love languages" by a psycholgist and pastor, Gary Chapman, who has helped people with just such issues. I like it because it helps one work out the understanding of issues for one's self. It is such a popular and helpful book that even my local bookstore always keeps 2-3 copies on hand. Being blindly and deeply in love lasts about 2 years, if I remember correctly, then true longlasting love (or not) is made clear by one's behaviour. He talks about so many scenarios and how to approach them.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

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    Quote Originally Posted by Paige View Post
    So my 25 year old just found her boyfriend of over a year cheated on her for six weeks. Of course, I don't want her to go back to him, but she might. Madly in love. He is actively trying to get her to stay with him, very apologetic, etc. but how much could you ever trust him? Besides telling her that she is cute, smart, accomplished, and there are lots of other fish in the sea...should I/we be done? My dh is hesitant to say anything...he did say "it's all about trust" and sort of left it hanging there. Am I done other than listening? (Thanks, I need some outside, unbiased advice). And we are very close and talk a lot....As a mom, it's so hard to watch her be indecisive.
    LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Saying anything against him pits you against him. If she chooses to stay and work things through, you could be "the bad guy". As much as it causes you pain and anger with him, you obviously value your relationship with your daughter very much so put that first.

    Be her soft place to fall. "I can't tell you what to do but I can love you and be here for you always". Remember that one of our female communication patterns is that we want to be listened to. We don't necessarily want our problems solved for us. And when the men in our lives jump to fix-it, it pisses us off! (often).

    No, I'm not a Mom. But as the kid, with friends who've been there, this is what they wanted. And when they stay and work it out, in the back of their mind lives forever, that Mom did not approve.

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    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    You may not be a mom, Gardnr, but you give good advice.

    My DD has had so many "adventures" with boyfriends, both good and bad, and I hope I've been successful at following Gardnr's advice.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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    razz, are you suggesting I tell her about the book? It sounds appropriate, that's for sure. And Gardner, thanks for the reminder to not bad mouth the guy. And Listen, which we have been doing....then she quit talking. Just found out my husband wants to tell her that the guys he has known that cheated, seemed to do it more than once....Is that going to turn her away? Does she need to hear that. Dad is super involved, but doesn't give much advice, so when he says something it is impactful and she loves him to death. He wasn't going to frame it as advice, but just say that thought, which he believes, out loud. Too much???

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    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    I would read the book myself and see what you feel about her readiness for its guidance. Your DH needs to be the man in her life that simply loves her and reminds her of how special and wonderful she is for now. He is probably struggling with strong protective emotions as well as you.
    I have found in myself and my family that strong emotional situations shut down rational thinking due to the amygdala in one's brain.WE have the reptilian level with fight and flight; the limbic level with all the emotions and then the neocortex for rational thought. The amygdala is between the limbic and neocortex. Talking through the emotion really does help until things calm down for rational thinking. Both you and your DH can help her through this by your listening as Gardnr said.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

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    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Sounds like she quit talking because she already knows what she is going to do. A lot of us have been there, it wasn't fatal. It is a good lesson in finding out where you will draw a hard line and what your negotiables are when tested.
    I wouldn't bring it up. If she does I would listen and only offer sympathy. Advice becomes very dicey when it goes in the opposite direction of what their heart wants.

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    Yppej
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    Is she asking for your advice?

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    Not right now because she lives in another city. But she could very well call soon. She came home for a few days, and talked about it, gave details, cried, etc. We just hung out with her and tried to be there. I was just discussing the situation with my husband and we have since remembered that he didn't even stop seeing this girl of his own volition, but because she found out he had a girlfriend. He hid texts, lied, cheated for several weeks, etc. It was very manipulative. Hard to watch. I will listen, for sure. Maybe if she gets back together with him, ugh, she will see things from a different perspective and realize how different things are this time around. Thanks all for your words of wisdom. Much appreciated. Feel free to throw out any more thoughts...

  10. #10
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paige View Post
    Not right now because she lives in another city. But she could very well call soon. She came home for a few days, and talked about it, gave details, cried, etc. We just hung out with her and tried to be there. I was just discussing the situation with my husband and we have since remembered that he didn't even stop seeing this girl of his own volition, but because she found out he had a girlfriend. He hid texts, lied, cheated for several weeks, etc. It was very manipulative. Hard to watch. I will listen, for sure. Maybe if she gets back together with him, ugh, she will see things from a different perspective and realize how different things are this time around. Thanks all for your words of wisdom. Much appreciated. Feel free to throw out any more thoughts...
    I think that being supportive and just listening is great advice, but at the same time we should remind our daughters of their worth--they do not deserve to be treated badly. I remember one "bad" boyfriend I had who showed up when he wanted and one time when my mother caught me crying because he stood me up, she got really frustrated and said, "Christ, [catherine], you're settling for crumbs when you deserve the whole cake."

    I never forgot that. I can't say it helped me get over that situation, but it did ring a bell in the back of my mind as a reference when I dated other people.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

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