What are you doing to prepare for old age? Resiliency habits.

[catherine]

I'm sorry it was not a good experience for you.

My single friend had her father come live with her and they hired day-care to come to the house. It worked out well, as she still had to work. It also allowed her to have time to/for herself. The other siblings would come and visit, and her dad was cared for and comfortable while still with family.

Again, these situations vary and don't work out for everyone.

My husband did a lot of video production work for AARP, and one of the promotional videos was to lobby to the State for funding for home care as opposed to nursing home/AL care, the rationale being that it is FAR LESS expensive for Medicare to pay for a healthcare provider to come to the house than to pay for full time care and housing.

Again, for people who want that option should be able to get it.

[catherine]

I used to think exactly the way you are all describing about multi-generational living, until we went through my parents' decline. First, for 10 years they refused to move in with us or have them move in with them. So that wasn't any option. No other siblings offered, so there is that.

By the time my dad had his last fall in his house, my mom was so far gone with dementia that the doctor said she needed 24/7 watching. Their house would have needed major construction to accommodate them and another family. She would not have let carers in, and there were no carers in their area that could provide 24.7. If we had found such, were were talking 20,000 a month. While still maintaining all the house expenses, etc.

Sibling refused to allow us to move them in with us, saying "it is not fair to you and they will destroy you."

I hope others have better experiences with multigenerational living but our story is not all unusual.

Tybee, your situation would demand TWICE as much of your time and labor, with two parents involved. That is a lot. And your point about the carer expense--that is a crazy amount of money.

[Teacher Terry]

My mom was determined not to be a burden and I feel the same. My mil was talking about moving in with us when she was 60. There was no way that was ever going to happen. I raised my kids and didn’t intend to take care of her. People need their own space.

[Tybee]

Tybee, your situation would demand TWICE as much of your time and labor, with two parents involved. That is a lot. And your point about the carer expense--that is a crazy amount of money.

I know, and you could not even get that kind of help where they live, so they would have had to move out of their house to a different area. For me, the dementia was a game changer, as the potential for her harming herself became very high. I still wish they had gone for multi-generational living 10 years ago--I think it would have worked out really well. But she was in much better shape 10 years ago, cognitively speaking, and he was physically stronger.

It's so hard to get all the siblings on the same page--no one ever seems to agree on what they need and how to do it. then, by the time they crashed and burned, it was too late to make it work.

[frugal-one]

I'm not saying it's a one-size-fits-all situation. As I said, there are very good reasons for finding good care in AL or nursing homes. I just feel it's taken for granted these days that we plan for our family members to live apart, and it doesn't always have to be that way.

My MIL had a hip replacement at age 80. We turned our dining room into a main floor bedroom for her (my husband framed and drywalled walls and put in a door). I cooked her meals, made her appointments, did her medication management, hosted her physical therapist and took notes, took her to her geriatrician, etc. In our case, it worked and while it was disruptive for a few months, it was not extremely burdensome. I recognize that in many cases, it might have been.

I am not looking for my kids to take me in. I'm very independent. But I still think of family home care to be a viable option, as happystuff said.

As you said, each case is different. My MIL had to be helped with bathing. I am not a large person and could not lift her. She could not walk up steps and our house was not set up for that. She also had cognitive decline. It was 24 hour care. I don't wish that constant care on anyone. There was no other family to help. It was pure hell.

[Geila]

I read that menopause symptoms are a result of us outliving our ovaries. Same with old age. We just weren't designed to live so long. Medical intervention allowed my dad to extend his life by 15 years. But they were a miserable 15 years. I would choose quality of life over longevity any day. Assisted suicide should be legal in all states.

[herbgeek]

My mother is difficult, argumentative, always has to be right, judgmental about other women, gaslights, has no empathy. There is no way I'd let her live here. My sister on the other hand, was willing to buy a house where my mom could have her own inlaw suite, and Mom said absolutely not. She refuses to consider leaving her own house, and until she does something stupid that requires intervention, we can't do anything about that. Us kids have to shop, pay her bills, assist with whatever needs assisting, help her use her tv remote, mow, cook, etc etc while Mom brags how she's doing it all herself and how glad she is to have all her wits about her after she asks me for the 8th time in a row what day it is (even though I got her a dementia clock that has that on it). Sometimes there are no good answers.

[iris lilies]

I read that menopause symptoms are a result of us outliving our ovaries. Same with old age. We just weren't designed to live so long. Medical intervention allowed my dad to extend his life by 15 years. But they were a miserable 15 years. I would choose quality of life over longevity any day. Assisted suicide should be legal in all states.

come now, if you think most old people will commit suicide, I have a bridge to sell you.

The drive to live is very strong.

[Geila]

come now, if you think most old people will commit suicide, I have a bridge to sell you.

The drive to live is very strong.

Not saying most will want to, but that those who do should be able to do it with dignity. I want to be able to do for myself what I'm able to do for my pets in regards to end of life. I know most people won't choose that route, I see it all around me, but it should be our choice in old age. Why not?

[catherine]

As you said, each case is different. My MIL had to be helped with bathing. I am not a large person and could not lift her. She could not walk up steps and our house was not set up for that. She also had cognitive decline. It was 24 hour care. I don't wish that constant care on anyone. There was no other family to help. It was pure hell.

That is definitely a different situation than my MIL. My MIL might have been feisty, but she was fiercely independent and had all her mental faculties until the day she died.