What are you doing to prepare for old age? Resiliency habits.

[happystuff]

I'm very much in favor of generational living. With so many of us siblings, my mother will NEVER lack for a place to live! And I have often offered my MIL to move in with us; she is still enjoying her independence at 85. I know there are many people and reasons against generational living, but I have seen it work quite well and am definitely in favor of it.

[Simplemind]

When we had to take my dad out of his house in his beginning stages of dementia, we moved him to independent living. My MIL was in a larger community (which she loved) in independent living but we felt that would be too overwhelming for dad. We absolutely loved that place. I myself would live in it. The people were great. The food in the restaurant was great. One of us ate with him almost every day. His apartment was lovely. I can imagine the assisted living level there was much the same. I wasn't a fan of their set up for memory care so when we finally got to that point we moved him into foster care. Again, if I was in his position I couldn't ask for more kind and compassionate care. Those people became like family to us. Beautiful home and gardens with wonderful food, at least when we weren't taking him home for visits and meals. I often got pics on my phone showing what my dad was doing.
Not all set ups are bad. I do know that we were extremely fortunate. I drive by the independent community where we first moved my dad and realize that couple of years were golden. I could visit him there and be his daughter. It was clean, bright and happy. When he was still at home all I could think of was his vulnerability as well as how much work I had cut out for me on his property. I always left depressed.
I would be happy if in those same shoes (dementia) our kids made sure we had that same level of surroundings, care and oversight.

[catherine]

I'm very much in favor of generational living. With so many of us siblings, my mother will NEVER lack for a place to live! And I have often offered my MIL to move in with us; she is still enjoying her independence at 85. I know there are many people and reasons against generational living, but I have seen it work quite well and am definitely in favor of it.

I would like to see more of that. Yes, it is often a burden on the family housing an elderly person, but if you can do it, and if the elderly person has limited physical and cognitive disabilities, I think it's awesome. My MIL's mother lived with her her whole life. When her mother was 85, she asked my MIL for a cup of tea one day and slipped off after finishing it.

Sometimes I think the eldercare industry is another expensive manufactured "need" of modern life. Obviously many do need assisted living and professional geriatric care, but why is it a given that we will all wind up in an institution someday. Of all my elders, I can think of only two that lived in a nursing home or assisted living . The rest lived and died at their own homes or a family's home.

If our society hadn't devolved to the point where everything is work-work-work, maybe there would be people at home to share their lives with loved ones.

[iris lilies]

I would like to see more of that. Yes, it is often a burden on the family housing an elderly person, but if you can do it, and if the elderly person has limited physical and cognitive disabilities, I think it's awesome. My MIL's mother lived with her her whole life. When her mother was 85, she asked my MIL for a cup of tea one day and slipped off after finishing it.

Sometimes I think the eldercare industry is another expensive manufactured "need" of modern life. Obviously many do need assisted living and professional geriatric care, but why is it a given that we will all wind up in an institution someday. Of all my elders, I can think of only two that lived in a nursing home or assisted living . The rest lived and died at their own homes or a family's home.

If our society hadn't devolved to the point where everything is work-work-work, maybe there would be people at home to share their lives with loved ones.

well, my soapbox: Back in the golden days of Yore that we are all speaking of, people didn’t have 3000 square-foot homes in large yards that they expected to live in until they died. And their kids have to take care of all of that.

I have admiration for elderly people who craft their lives to live in neat, tidy, small abodes. You all can tell that from my many past posts.

One of the best pieces of advice that came from this site is the idea that children should tell their frail elderly parents this: I am concerned about your welfare and I will take care of YOU. But my job is not to take care of all of your STUFF.

I don’t know who wrote that piece of wisdom but I keep that in mind and tell that to my friends who are dealing with their elderly parents.

[Tradd]

IL, I pass that along to my friends who are dealing with all their relatives’ stuff, as well.

[happystuff]

Yes, definitely a reason I'm trying to deal with my own stuff now!

[Tybee]

I used to think exactly the way you are all describing about multi-generational living, until we went through my parents' decline. First, for 10 years they refused to move in with us or have them move in with them. So that wasn't any option. No other siblings offered, so there is that.

By the time my dad had his last fall in his house, my mom was so far gone with dementia that the doctor said she needed 24/7 watching. Their house would have needed major construction to accommodate them and another family. She would not have let carers in, and there were no carers in their area that could provide 24.7. If we had found such, were were talking 20,000 a month. While still maintaining all the house expenses, etc.

Sibling refused to allow us to move them in with us, saying "it is not fair to you and they will destroy you."

I hope others have better experiences with multigenerational living but our story is not all unusual.

[frugal-one]

I would like to see more of that. Yes, it is often a burden on the family housing an elderly person, but if you can do it, and if the elderly person has limited physical and cognitive disabilities, I think it's awesome. My MIL's mother lived with her her whole life. When her mother was 85, she asked my MIL for a cup of tea one day and slipped off after finishing it.

Sometimes I think the eldercare industry is another expensive manufactured "need" of modern life. Obviously many do need assisted living and professional geriatric care, but why is it a given that we will all wind up in an institution someday. Of all my elders, I can think of only two that lived in a nursing home or assisted living . The rest lived and died at their own homes or a family's home.

If our society hadn't devolved to the point where everything is work-work-work, maybe there would be people at home to share their lives with loved ones.

I think that is very easy to say if you have not had full-time, round the clock responsibility for someone who is not able to care for themselves or be alone. My MIL was with us for 2 weeks. I never was so thankful to have a 2 story house and lack of room in my life. It was EXHAUSTING. We set her up in independent living for as long as she could be there. We visited. She was with people her own age and had things to do. We were all happier. I would never ask my son to take care of me. No matter which way you look at it... you are a burden. Life is disrupted.

[catherine]

I think that is very easy to say if you have not had full-time, round the clock responsibility for someone who is not able to care for themselves or be alone. My MIL was with us for 2 weeks. I never was so thankful to have a 2 story house and lack of room in my life. It was EXHAUSTING. We set her up in independent living for as long as she could be there. We visited. She was with people her own age and had things to do. We were all happier. I would never ask my son to take care of me. No matter which way you look at it... you are a burden. Life is disrupted.

I'm not saying it's a one-size-fits-all situation. As I said, there are very good reasons for finding good care in AL or nursing homes. I just feel it's taken for granted these days that we plan for our family members to live apart, and it doesn't always have to be that way.

My MIL had a hip replacement at age 80. We turned our dining room into a main floor bedroom for her (my husband framed and drywalled walls and put in a door). I cooked her meals, made her appointments, did her medication management, hosted her physical therapist and took notes, took her to her geriatrician, etc. In our case, it worked and while it was disruptive for a few months, it was not extremely burdensome. I recognize that in many cases, it might have been.

I am not looking for my kids to take me in. I'm very independent. But I still think of family home care to be a viable option, as happystuff said.

[happystuff]

I think that is very easy to say if you have not had full-time, round the clock responsibility for someone who is not able to care for themselves or be alone. My MIL was with us for 2 weeks. I never was so thankful to have a 2 story house and lack of room in my life. It was EXHAUSTING. We set her up in independent living for as long as she could be there. We visited. She was with people her own age and had things to do. We were all happier. I would never ask my son to take care of me. No matter which way you look at it... you are a burden. Life is disrupted.

I'm sorry it was not a good experience for you.

My single friend had her father come live with her and they hired day-care to come to the house. It worked out well, as she still had to work. It also allowed her to have time to/for herself. The other siblings would come and visit, and her dad was cared for and comfortable while still with family.

Again, these situations vary and don't work out for everyone.