My Friends Are Dying.

[Gardnr]

I really thought this happened to people much older. I have now lost 5 friends to cancer in their 60’s. The latest was a black belt in excellent shape. Fell and his back pain wouldn’t go away. He had stage 4 cancer and is dead 40 days later. It’s so depressing.

I hear ya Terry. My 51yo cousin was having a bit of respiratory distress June 1. Long story short, she has ovarian carcinoma that has metastasized to her liver (too many tumors to count), lung-severe dyspnia, brain-2 good size tumors. She is on palliative chemo and won't see Christmas.

And a friend of mine in DC died this morning-the rehab facility she was in couldn't manage her CHF. Totally sucks!

[SteveinMN]

I think it would be easier for DW and me. Not easy, but easier. We remarried at 50 after years of living on our own. We realize that, marrying as late as we did, it's almost certain one of us will be going on without the other at some point. I don't believe that's something people think about when they marry at 20 or 30; the horizon simply is too far away. We'd miss each other terribly in that situation, but we would know we've survived and even prospered after the end of earlier relationships, so it might not be quite so much of a blow.

[Teacher Terry]

Thanks everyone for being so honest!

[happystuff]

If we are the surviving spouse, how do we cope? I know there are a few regular posters here who have sadly lost their spouses/partners--how did you make it through?

From my own experience of the death of a very close one, I would say you don't "get through it", you don't "get over it". Rather, you learn how to live with it; and the "how" changes all the time. It is not a do and done type of thing, it's continuous. Even years later, the loss is there - sometimes as fresh as yesterday, sometimes a memory.

Hugs, TT.

[frugal-one]

I have been with DH since we were 20 and except for a few brief months before that have never lived on my own. It is one of my reasons for moving back to familiar territory and making stronger connections. I have made some friends here through book and garden club but with the virus those have shrunk away. Either one of us will have a very scary hard time trying to figure out how to live alone.

Same here. Married DH at age 20. Only time on my own was for 10 weeks. I think DH would be much more capable to be on his own. I was just commenting that I don't even know how to start the lawnmower. I know I would definitely have to move.

[Gardnr]

We married days after we turned 19. Just had our 40th anniversary. It will be awful if we don't go out together. I will say, I am likely to be more resilient than hubster. I've already weathered the burial of Dad, Mom, Brother and BIL. I spent a LOT of time with my sister (flew out every 5w for 5 months) as she came to grips with Larry's death and began to forge a life alone. I've always done our finances and they are as consolidated as possible in our current state. I require that hubster catch up a few times a year. He knows where ALL the info and passwords live.

I shudder at the thought. When Dad died Mom said, "we have talked about it. We always knew one of us had to be first." So I certainly have a strong example.

[Tybee]

Gardner, in my experience, folks like you and your husband usually go within a few weeks/months of each other--that happened with my husband's grandfather, who at his grandmother's funeral, said to the gravedigger, Well, I will see you in a year.

That happened with my grandparents and great grandparents. I think it's a sign of true love.

[sweetana3]

Neither my parents or my husband's parents or either sets of grandparents fell into this. My dad and my husband's mom lived for many years after their spouse died. In fact, my dad remarried after a 61 year marriage and my husband's mom is still alive. Both sets were married 61 years. Just shows how anecdotal info leads to a potentially erroneous assumption about the statistics.

Sure it might be nice to think so but the overwhelming number of residents in old age homes of all kinds are widows and a few widowers.

[Tybee]

Good point. I guess I'm feeling sentimental, as today is my mom and dad's 69th wedding anniversary, and Gardner's post made me think of how often (at least in the old days, it was a commonly discussed phenomenon) spouses died close together in time.

[Rachel]

Dear Terry, I'm so sorry for all your losses. The grief we feel when we lose someone is the price we pay for caring and loving others. It can be a heavy price.

As I get older I feel these losses as well. I really hear you!