My Friends Are Dying.

[SteveinMN]

My condolences, Terry. It's terrible to lose friends (and family!) to cancer, especially the kinds that move so fast.

[catherine]

Terry, so sorry to hear about your friends. It's so hard to lose friends, and at our age, it's just going to get harder. I remember seeing an interview with Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw just a few years ago, and the interviewer asked how they would define getting older. Ali McGraw said "sad." I think she meant that losses happen more regularly. We spend half our lives building, building and then the tearing down begins.

I have noticed that my rural Vermont friends have had a very high rate of cancer! One of my neighbors had his brother and father die of cancer, another neighbor just found out her father (75) has cancer, my other neighbor's daughter (30s) has cancer, and her husband's ex-wife (50s) has cancer. It seems to be an almost Erin-Brockovich-high rate of cancer among two families. I actually looked up SuperFund sites to see if there were any documented polluted areas in central VT.

Cancer is getting easier to beat, though, which is the positive thing, and I'm sure it will continue to do so.

[JaneV2.0]

Loss is inevitable as we age--loss of friends and relatives, loss of abilities one by one.
"Sad" sums it up succinctly.

[Teacher Terry]

His family has had so much loss. I am best friends with his sister and she lost her 19 year old daughter 8 years ago to a rare liver disease. My friend and her brother are extremely close and as couples we did lots of things together. His mom is still alive and no one should lose a child yet this family has twice. Sad about sums it up.

[Geila]

Sorry to hear this, TT. That's hard.

Dh and I will probably be part of the early death group. All four of our parents died young; youngest was 47, and oldest 66 although his life was very difficult the last 15 years of his life due to stomach cancer and heart disease (8/10th's of stomach taken out at 52 and quadruple bypass at 61). And we never knew any of our grandparents. So we're trying to live with that awareness.

One of our good neighbors just died at 63 of cancer. He was one year away from retirement when he got it and he did all the treatments, chemo/radiation, but didn't make it. He was a vibrant, robust, and happy man. Very involved in his church and community. It's been very hard on his widow. They had so many plans for retirement. We've seen her decline as well, from the loss. We've tried to be there for them, we've known them for many years, they were at our wedding, but I don't think there's much anyone can do to ease the pain.

Very sad. And we're all going to go through it. No way around it.

[catherine]

One of our good neighbors just died at 63 of cancer. He was one year away from retirement when he got it and he did all the treatments, chemo/radiation, but didn't make it. He was a vibrant, robust, and happy man. Very involved in his church and community. It's been very hard on his widow. They had so many plans for retirement. We've seen her decline as well, from the loss.

If we are the surviving spouse, how do we cope? I know there are a few regular posters here who have sadly lost their spouses/partners--how did you make it through? My aunt lost her husband of over 55 years and she declined rapidly also, physically and mentally. He had been her raison d'être, so do you fare better if you have had your own career? If you had fairly independent married lives? I feel DH and I are pretty intertwined. As different as we are, those differences enhance each others' lives and frankly, I am afraid that if I'm the surviving spouse I'm going to have a rough go.

[happystuff]

If we are the surviving spouse, how do we cope? I know there are a few regular posters here who have sadly lost their spouses/partners--how did you make it through?

From my own experience of the death of a very close one, I would say you don't "get through it", you don't "get over it". Rather, you learn how to live with it; and the "how" changes all the time. It is not a do and done type of thing, it's continuous. Even years later, the loss is there - sometimes as fresh as yesterday, sometimes a memory.

Hugs, TT.

[Teacher Terry]

When my husband has been gone for 2 weeks despite planning things with friends it gets lonely. I love to do spontaneous things and that would end. My husband would be in worse shape because he doesn’t have a lot of friends. I had all 4 of my grandparents until I was 17. My aunt is still alive at 95.

[iris lilies]

I take my marriage relationship for granted. If he died I would have a big realization moment. It would not be pretty.

[early morning]

TT, I am so sorry. Loss, though inevitable, is so very hard. Thinking of you/your friends/their families....