Transparency vs. Facebook Life

[jp1]

Geila, I don't even know what to say to your post. While there have been people in my life that I've found annoying I have never wanted any of them dead. And I certainly wouldn't have asked their kid/my spouse "when is your mom going to die already?". And if any hypothetical spouse of mine had asked that of me they would soon not have been my spouse anymore. I'm lucky that my MIL and deceased FIL are/were amazing people, but good god, what would it say to my SO if I told him I wished his parent was dead?

As a pretty hardcore introvert I can kind of understand not sharing the downside to "whatever the problem is" with a lot of people. (Contrasted with sharing the fact that I'm gay. I don't consider that a downside in any way, it's just who I am so I share that freely with whoever if it happens to come up in conversation.)

But when SO had a very serious illness a few years ago, for example, as I struggled with my fears and worries it just didn't occur to me to just put it out there. I reached out to a couple of longterm close friends for support on a daily basis. To the rest of the world I presented as "I"m fine. We're going to get through this." I think part of the reason I did that is that I couldn't handle people offering their concern or whatever and me having to thank them or assure them I was ok. It was easier just having them treat me like a normal person because they had no clue something was wrong. During that time a distant professional acquaintance randomly told me that his wife was going through a similar struggle to SO. I opened up to him about SO and we ended up having a really great conversation about our shared worries and concerns about the future (not identical, his wife is way younger than SO and they have two fairly young kids.) But I couldn't have just posted on linkedin, "by the way, SO is struggling with a potentially fatal illness that the docs can't figure out. If you, or someone you love, is also in this boat, reach out to me..."

[JaneV2.0]

You make a good point, jp1--that involving others in your trials and tribulations can increase the stress load, depending on your personality. It would for me.

[Simplemind]

My family was so locked down with secrecy. They had a carefully curated appearance on the outside and totally zipped lips on the inside. I can think of very few questions I had as a child being answered. Not only were they not answered, I was usually berated for even asking being told it was none of my G*d d*mned business. What ?? I grew up with nothing being my business until both parents died then it being all my business and a huge mystery to be solved. Many of the people who might have helped me understand it were already gone.
So I have raised my son the opposite way. I have always answered his questions in an age appropriate way. We have no secrets, well...… I have no secrets from him.

[Geila]

Geila, I don't even know what to say to your post. While there have been people in my life that I've found annoying I have never wanted any of them dead. And I certainly wouldn't have asked their kid/my spouse "when is your mom going to die already?". And if any hypothetical spouse of mine had asked that of me they would soon not have been my spouse anymore. I'm lucky that my MIL and deceased FIL are/were amazing people, but good god, what would it say to my SO if I told him I wished his parent was dead?

As a pretty hardcore introvert I can kind of understand not sharing the downside to "whatever the problem is" with a lot of people. (Contrasted with sharing the fact that I'm gay. I don't consider that a downside in any way, it's just who I am so I share that freely with whoever if it happens to come up in conversation.)

But when SO had a very serious illness a few years ago, for example, as I struggled with my fears and worries it just didn't occur to me to just put it out there. I reached out to a couple of longterm close friends for support on a daily basis. To the rest of the world I presented as "I"m fine. We're going to get through this." I think part of the reason I did that is that I couldn't handle people offering their concern or whatever and me having to thank them or assure them I was ok. It was easier just having them treat me like a normal person because they had no clue something was wrong. During that time a distant professional acquaintance randomly told me that his wife was going through a similar struggle to SO. I opened up to him about SO and we ended up having a really great conversation about our shared worries and concerns about the future (not identical, his wife is way younger than SO and they have two fairly young kids.) But I couldn't have just posted on linkedin, "by the way, SO is struggling with a potentially fatal illness that the docs can't figure out. If you, or someone you love, is also in this boat, reach out to me..."

I might have divulged a bit too much. I blame it on the wine. First time I've had alcohol in over a year. Told DH if he wanted to take advantage of me, now was the time to do it.

I've known this woman for over 20 years so I guess I'm used to her outrageous comments and so is her husband. He just rolls his eyes and shakes his head when she says it, and other pretty intimate things! She's a bit of a character but they're very happily married. I think to her, 'when is your mother going to die already' is like 'your mother annoys me' for someone else. You get used to her after a while but I do remember being scandalized the first time she said it. Funny that I'd forgotten all about it till your comment.

Did your professional acquaintance post about his wife's illness on linkedin?

And yes, I can see that having to deal with other people's well-meaning attention while your going through a difficult experience is sometimes not helpful depending on the person.

[Geila]

My family was so locked down with secrecy. They had a carefully curated appearance on the outside and totally zipped lips on the inside. I can think of very few questions I had as a child being answered. Not only were they not answered, I was usually berated for even asking being told it was none of my G*d d*mned business. What ?? I grew up with nothing being my business until both parents died then it being all my business and a huge mystery to be solved. Many of the people who might have helped me understand it were already gone.
So I have raised my son the opposite way. I have always answered his questions in an age appropriate way. We have no secrets, well...… I have no secrets from him.

Aww. I'm sorry to hear that Simplemind. I think you get it.

[Alan]

I think it says your wife thinks you're pretty hot! And you know it. If you're sexy and you know it....

LOL, I thought it said she thought I was a little too goofy for my age but when I showed her your response she said "yep, she gets me."

[Geila]

LOL, I thought it said she thought I was a little too goofy for my age but when I showed her your response she said "yep, she gets me."

. Does she call you her stud muffin? It's okay to be sexually objectified sometimes... I'm sure she likes your brain too. And your gentle soul.

[iris lilies]

I really can’t imagine posting unhappy stuff on social media, but of course I didn’t grow up with social media as a major means of communications in my life.

Just because my family doesn’t go around quacking on about any unhappiness doesn’t mean that my parents were tight lipped and secretive. Our parents were completely open and straightforward about things like money, sex, death, illness.
Communicating about these topics was viewed as business that had to be taken care of.

[Alan]

. Does she call you her stud muffin?

No, after watching True Romance years ago I suggested she call me Doggie Daddy, but she declined the offer.

[catherine]

Did your professional acquaintance post about his wife's illness on linkedin?

God, I hope not!! My take that jp1's convo with the business acquaintance was spoken.

This brings up another weird culture change: when your business life and personal life intersects on social media. In general I really try to keep them separate. Now that I'm a little closer to retirement, I'm slightly more open on FB, but I absolutely do not share political or religious views on FB because of possible ramifications of business colleagues seeing it. I probably wouldn't post that stuff anyway, but I do not want work buddies to have a window into that sphere of my life.

I would never ever post ANYTHING remotely personal on LinkedIn.

I see social media as not only curated bits of life but the way we brand ourselves. Some of my friends have branded themselves as "activists," some as "lighthearted jokesters," some as "jet-setters."

When it comes to the transparency thing, I'm with IL. I think the defined roles for supporting others using one's own life and struggles are the people closest to them--not a bunch of random quasi-friends on a public forum.