Senior Finances

[herbgeek]

My mom's vascular dementia is the result of several strokes. She has particular difficulty with linear time (when things happened or when it is now) and remembering names and nouns.

On top of this I suspect she also had some degree of mental illness (based on my upbringing) and did a lot of gas lighting/rewriting the narrative of how things happened over my lifetime. If you were to ask her, she has always been perfect and has never made a mistake. This makes the dementia harder for her. She can't accept help because that would confirm she wasn't perfect. So it's not that she lost thousands of dollars this year in her house, it's other people are stealing it from her.

[rosarugosa]

I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with, Herbgeek. My mom is at least very cooperative, totally trusts that we are on her side and grateful for any assistance that we give her. Initially there was a bit of a struggle over some things (junk mail management, help with laundry), but I think that was a result of her feeling that she should be able to do things for herself and not wanting to burden us. Concern about burdening us seems to be her greatest concern.

[iris lilies]

...

So the 3 siblings within a reasonable drive all visit at least once a week, have meals with her, make sure the bills are paid and she has food to eat. That's all we can do.

And that is doing quite a lot! I think that’s a very good level of care for your mom.

[Greg44]

I just went back through 5 months of transactions on my parents bank's website. Found nothing to out of the ordinary - I do have some questions to ask. She has lost confidence that she is doing it correct - then questions herself. I just hope when I go out there tomorrow she doesn't change her mind.

[Tybee]

I just went back through 5 months of transactions on my parents bank's website. Found nothing to out of the ordinary - I do have some questions to ask. I think right now my mom can do her finances, but it takes her hours and hours to do something that could literally be done in 1/2 hour. She has lost confidence that she is doing it correct - then questions herself. I just hope when I go out there tomorrow she doesn't change her mind. She is getting a bit defensive about her memory lapses.

Do you have POA for both your parents? That is the best thing to do, to get that now while they can still sign legally.
If your mom has vascular dementia like my mom, she cannot handle the finance anymore from what you are describing. It will be more and more stressful and unsuccessful, so you are doing the right thing and it sounds like they are both okay with you handling the finances. Just make sure to get the POA now as you will need it to do things like make changes to utilities, etc. and access their accounts.

I know firsthand because I tried to get information on Medicare plans for my parents and to shut off their cable, and they would not talk to me without a POA, and only my brother has the POA, and he wouldn't do these things, and had asked me to do them.

So you are going to have your hands tied if you do not have that POA, you need it now to help them.

[Simplemind]

Perhaps you could sit with her once a month and do the bills together? I noticed that my dad started to have problems reading. Some days it went really well and others he would just stare and stare at bills or menus. He just couldn't comprehend what he was reading and it really frustrated him. We both did bills for a period of time and as soon as he got comfortable with that, he handed it all over to me. POA is essential eventually. Get it while they still have the ability to give it to you. At one point even though I had it and was also trustee, I had to block my dad from doing any transaction by himself. I had to get a letter from both his GP and his Neuro stating he wasn't capable of making any financial decisions.

[iris lilies]

Have you and your elderly parents considered a trust as a legal device to hold their assets and pay their bills?

One way to prevent elder scams is to administer the trust for legitimate expenses and replace credit cards and personal checkbook with a debit card, such as True Link. http://www.truelinkfinancial.com

I have not personally dealt with True Link, so this not an endorsement. In 15-20 years, I may be ready to depend on a fiduciary though.

What does a trust do in this situation to help daily bills get paid? And what is a debit card for? I’m confused as to why you’re making this recommendation.

But also, I don’t know what the advantages are to having their financials tracked via Mint which is another recommendation. What does that really give the OP?

Simplemind’s solution seems the best to me: once a month pay bills While at the home of your parents and tally up available monies. Put as many things as possible on auto pay. And here’s hoping they have enough money that they won’t go into the red.

[Tybee]

What does a trust do in this situation to help daily bills get paid? And what is a debit card to? I’m confused as to why you’re making this recommendation.

But also, I don’t know what the advantages to having their financials tracked via meant which is another recommendation. What is it really give the OP?

Simplemind’s solution seems the best to me: once a month pay bills While at the home of your parents and tally up available monies. Put as many things as possible on auto pay. And here’s hoping they have enough money that they won’t go into the red.

While I certainly agree that paying bills at their house and keeping them involved is great now, I would strongly urge you get their financial POA's if you do not have them already, for each parent.

Things can change very rapidly with dementia, and then you would be scrambling a lot more to get their bills paid and make arrangements for their care.

From the sound of it, your mom is already at a place where she needs someone to take over.

This situation is also complicated by fact there are two parents in this state of needing help with finances, and either could pre-decease the other.

[iris lilies]

While I certainly agree that paying bills at their house and keeping them involved is great now, I would strongly urge you get their financial POA's if you do not have them already, for each parent.

Things can change very rapidly with dementia, and then you would be scrambling a lot more to get their bills paid and make arrangements for their care.

From the sound of it, your mom is already at a place where she needs someone to take over.

This situation is also complicated by fact there are two parents in this state of needing help with finances, and either could pre-decease the other.

Oh agreed! Very much agreed to get POA. Sooner rather than later.

[frugal-one]

Later? too late .....