Senior Finances

[herbgeek]

My Mom has vascular dementia, but is in serious denial that anything is wrong with her. My sister tried to take over the mail/paying bills but my mother wasn't having it. So my sister has to painfully babysit her for bill paying. Mom has a history of hiding things, even before the dementia, and puts her check book in various places and can never find it without a search even though my sister put a pretty box in her kitchen for her to keep it.

Mom never knows the date, doesn't know the names of the vendors to which she owes money (every week: what is Eversource? Its your electic company Mom), struggles with filling out a check correctly, doesn't remember what was and was not paid and is completely confused by the whole process. But refuses to give it up because she thinks my sister will then steal from her. My sister has informed delivery so she knows what arrives at Mom's at least. Mom got a couple of refund checks recently from getting rid of cars but she promptly lost them that day, and denied that any checks came. Sister walked into one of the bedrooms and found the smaller check on the dresser and showed Mom. Mom still refuses to believe that there was a second check which is still missing.

Mom hid her will, which we can no longer find, and so sister had a lawyer draft a new one (the original will was from a long since deceased lawyer). Mom refuses to sign it. Even when I read her the letter my Dad wrote to my sister and I (executors) explaining what he wanted and why. She'll agree that yes, that sounds reasonable, but when any authority figure is around (aka lawyer) she freezes up and refuses. We did badger her to at least let my sister have power of attorney, but we really had to bully her for that and I felt bad even though it is so so necessary.

Dad tried to wrap it all up neatly before he died, but it hasn't turned out that way.

[razz]

That is heartbreaking to go through, herbgeek. At what point would an assessment take place to determine her cognitive abilities? Is this triggered by the MD or how is this managed?

[Simplemind]

Oh Herbgeek, I so feel your pain. My mom in her dementia is much like you have described. We count our lucky stars that she went first because dad was so much more reasonable and even in his dementia much easier to deal with. I don't envy anybody having to do that tap dance.

[Tybee]

My mom, too, Herbgeek. Just like that.
It is too late to get her to sign anything, unfortuntely.

[herbgeek]

At what point would an assessment take place to determine her cognitive abiliti

She had an assessment a couple of years ago, and failed the cognitive test. There really isn't anything we can do yet, as she is so incredibly stubborn that she's staying put in her house, refuses to allow my sister to be her guardian/conservatorship and hasn't done anything stupid to catch the attention of authorities. At this point, she is considered "competent" unless we take her to court and we aren't willing to do that just yet.

So the 3 siblings within a reasonable drive all visit at least once a week, have meals with her, make sure the bills are paid and she has food to eat. That's all we can do.

[iris lilies]

And the lesson we can take away from all of this is — do we see these tendencies in ourselves? Without naming names, I can see a few here who will likely be be difficult to “manage” in their old age. Just sayin’

[Tybee]

And the lesson we can take away from all of this is — do we see these tendencies in ourselves? Without naming names, I can see a few here who will likely be be difficult to “manage” in their old age. Just sayin’

No, that's not the lesson here. Vascular dementia is not a behavioral issue or a personality disorder.

It's really sad, and it is a unique kind of pain. Both my husband and I have said we would much rather die tomorrow than live like my mom lives, in her universe of pain, fear, and suspicion.

But we don't really get to choose, do we.

[iris lilies]

No, that's not the lesson here. Vascular dementia is not a behavioral issue or a personality disorder.

It's really sad, and it is a unique kind of pain. Both my husband and I have said we would much rather die tomorrow than live like my mom lives, in her universe of pain, fear, and suspicion.

But we don't really get to choose, do we.

OK, I’ll give you that —we can’t control how our mental health makes us perform in life. But we can work towards keeping our lives simple, our physical environment simple, our financial records clean and simple, so that those who have to take over for us will have less of a burden.

[Tybee]

OK, I’ll give you that —we can’t control how our mental health makes us perform in life. But we can work towards keeping our lives simple, our physical environment simple, our financial records clean and simple, so that those who have to take over for us will have less of a burden.

Hell, yeah, could not agree more!!!

[ToomuchStuff]

So is Vascular dementia what it sounds like? Dementia brought on by problems with blood vessels and lack of oxygen getting to where it is needed in the brain?