But this method sounds fine to me. If I were doing my parents’ or even my own finances, this is what I would do.Actually, this is what the H does. We don’t do any financial analysis of our day-to-day activity on Quicken or anything like it.Originally Posted by SteveinMN
DH's parents were in their early 80s when his father was no longer able to figure out how to take care of their finances. His mother never cared to learn about them so she was totally in the dark. One of the sibs stepped in, got all the passwords and made sure bills, taxes and RMDs were done. When their Dad passed, that same sib was given financial power of attorney and continues to pay their mother's bills etc. as she has moved to assisted living (but kept her house). We don't have a clue how he is managing her money at this point so that is one thing to consider if you have sibs. I wish he would at least keep us up to date on her financial situation and how he is "investing" her money. The whole situation fosters family mistrust.
Oh, I don't think most people at that stage need any more financial analysis than determining income versus outgo.
My main issue with it is that there's no easy backup for paper. If DW's mom cannot remember where she last put the checkbook and register, everything stops until/if it's found. If SiL1 needs the checkbook to pay a bill for mom, she has to have it and if it's with DW or SiL2 because they're the ones who usually pay the bills, that's a hassle. *shrug* It's a system that works. I just find electronic record keeping so much easier and more complete and I can (and do) back it up until the cows come home.
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington
That’s a good point about keeping siblings informed.
DH’s eldest sister took care of my father-in-law’s finances for last several years of his life. She didn’t formally notify the siblings of his financial situation, but they all knew generally about it and she would’ve opened books to anyone who wanted to know. My father-in-law was driving all of the financial decisions anyway, so it’s as though she had much decision making power in it. Lots of money went out to one sibling and his child including buying one of them a house free and clear, but those were decisions of my father-in-law.
Money and family in all its variations really needs transparency to keep peace. Of course, that does not prevent someone from butting in with an individual view creating tension if one so desired.
As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
I am thankful that my parents made me trustee several years before I had to step in to do this. By the time I did my mom (who would never discuss finances) had passed and we found she had been stashing the mail and not paying the bills. I helped my dad get things squared away and as much as possible put on auto-pay. Within a short time I began to see that he was also in the beginning stages of dementia. Some days he could understand his statements and other days he would be puzzled by them for hours. He was very concerned that I was just as puzzled as he was. I would constantly reassure him I wasn't. I soon had all statements send to my address because I could see they were causing stress. I would print out a sheet once a month listing the bills and marked PAID next to them. Within a short time he didn't even track that anymore. He would just ask now and again "Are the bills getting paid?" and I would assure him they were. He was also scammed by phone (the grandchild in jail one) and I had to have the debit card removed and Visa # changed. Visa was so good at working with me on scam charges - bless them.
You are moving into a tough role. It can be delicate parenting your parents and they are grateful on one hand and resentful of the loss of independence on the other. I was horrified to find the depth of my mom's money mismanagement. My dad was so upset that he didn't want to hear about it but some things needed to be discussed in order to be fixed. An example, they had rental property which he always bragged that the rent covered the taxes on several properties. These renters were horrible... I found that my mom had been stashing their checks along with the bills so they had in essence been living rent free for a couple of years. She was also not paying the taxes and we had to get that all cleared up and pay penalties. I had to go through the Department of State Lands to scoop up money that had finally landed there from uncashed dividend checks.
It is uncomfortable. It wasn't until I stepped in that I could see that they had been struggling for a long time but I hadn't seen it. It wasn't for lack of trying to ascertain the situation. As trustee I knew I was going to have to step in at some point. It was because they were both so private as well as secretive with us kids and with each other. There were some ugly secrets to be found once I started turning rocks over.
It was a huge lesson for me and one that informed us about making sure our kids knew everything and we now have our own trust, the kids are trustees, we have had the hard conversations, everything for every contingency is written down and revisited once a year in case changes need to be made.
Edited to add - My sis and brother also got a copy of the monthly statement and were in on all meetings with dad about future decisions with property and finances. We ended up being much closer for it and there were no misunderstandings.
Last edited by Simplemind; 9-15-20 at 3:23pm.
Well stated, Siimplemind. I am amazed how many basically well-adjusted people deny the possibility of death or compromised situations. I am a broken record saying: If you have family, young or old, talk about death as a matter of fact. It seems that they believe that denial means it won't happen. Dysfunctional families have additional problems.
As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Luckily not one person in our families have been unable to manage their bills. No one had dementia. I hope that lucky streak continues.
UGG All of this makes me want to move to assisted living now where I have only one bill every month, the assisted living facility.
I remember when my brother started picking up all of my mom‘s Mail it was such a relief for her. I thought she would be resentful of it but she wasn’t instead she thought it was great. By then he had already been paying her bills from her accounts of course, but just The mail itself caused her stress.
I appreciate all this input, I am gleaning lots of ideas - and support. We are visiting this week and will start asking some more direct questions - my wife is better at that than I am!
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