Opposing viewpoints

[iris lilies]

... So, what happens to the house then? Do we split it among all the kids? Do we give the son who loves it right of refusal to sell?

IL, I think you've really hit on a real issue when it comes to estates. Food for thought.

Your answers are here in these last several posts.

You tie a lot of emotion to pieces of real estate, me thinks, especially when those parcels represent significant amounts of money vis a vis your total assets. Just sayin’.

[catherine]

You tie a lot of emotion to pieces of real estate, me thinks, especially when those parcels represent significant amounts of money vis a vis your total assets. Just sayin’.

Yes, I do. I guess it comes through. . It even comes through in my favorite books, i.e., House of Sand and Fog for instance. Hmm... I don't know why, exactly. I'm going to have to think about that.

[iris lilies]

A good friend of mine had a father that had a nice home on a Wisconsin lake. He left it to his 6 kids. 30 years later they still own it. For many years they rented it to school teachers for cheaper rent with the provision they had to vacate for the month of July. The siblings would all come to visit and see each other for how ever long they could. Now my friend lives in it in retirement. They have had zero issues. This is probably rare.

There ARE hurt feelings and exasperations within that family about the family lake house, you just dont hear about them. That doesnt mean the siblings in general are not congenial about it, tho.

There is a pretty funny thread in recent weeks over on the MMM site about a family lake house, renovation of same, who owns it/who has use of it and when, rules of use, who is angriest, and who is not speaking to whom over it.

[rosarugosa]

Yes, I do. I guess it comes through. . It even comes through in my favorite books, i.e., House of Sand and Fog for instance. Hmm... I don't know why, exactly. I'm going to have to think about that.

And another one: "Tara! Home. I'll go home. And I'll think of some way to get him back. After all... tomorrow is another day."

[catherine]

There ARE hurt feelings and exasperations within that family about the family lake house, you just dont hear about them. That doesnt mean the siblings in general are not congenial about it, tho.

There is a pretty funny thread in recent weeks over on the MMM site about a family lake house, renovation of same, who owns it/who has use of it and when, rules of use, who is angriest, and who is not speaking to whom over it.

Maybe my own feelings about my houses came from my experience at the beach house in CT. I was so upset with my mother who sold it after my aunt died. DH and I had actually tried to scrape together money to buy it, but we came up short. (It sold for $44,000--another missed real estate opportunity in my life--at least from a financial POV).

I've often thought, however, that I am SO glad we never bought it. It would have gone from being my retreat, my oasis, to being my responsibility. Knowing now how my life was to proceed, what if it were foreclosed upon? I can imagine a gazillion fights that might have taken place with DH on the same porch where my aunt served blueberries and cream on linen tablecloths on the front porch overlooking the Sound. My life would have sullied my memories of my childhood there.

So the house is only the tangible expression of the temporal lives lived inside.

[Teacher Terry]

No the siblings are all very close although they live all over the country. Sadly one died right after retiring a few years ago. They agreed initially to buy out anyone that didn’t want to participate. They maintain the house but no remodeling upgrades as it doesn’t matter for their use. They can all afford it and all the kids and grandchildren enjoy the summer reunion. They lost their mom young and have always been close. When I lived in Wisconsin I would be invited by his dad and it was fun.

[pinkytoe]

DH and I have been talking about buying his mother's house as a stepping stone to get back "home." It is an hour away from the small town we want to move to. It needs work which we would be willing to do before reselling. The housing market is so tight that we can't find a house to buy so this would allow us a place to land and make it easier to look locally rather than being out of state. Only problem is that when his mother moved to assisted living, his brother "rented" it to one of his daughters for half market value and with all utilities paid. It seemed like a good temporary option at the time but it is dragging on now for two years. I can see how it would be a sticky wicket considering inheritance issues down the road and in effect, having to kick his daughter out. She is in her 30s, single and is a waitress so not sure how she would survive economically otherwise. The house was supposed to be available to all family members when they visited from out of state but no one wants to be there with her occupying the house. Not sure how to proceed as the sibs aren't close.

[Tammy]

My sister in law and her 2 siblings continued to co-own, rent by the week, maintain, and vacation together at the family beach house after their parents deaths. This lasted for about 20 years.

They just sold it. The 3 sisters didn’t have too much conflict over it. It’s their young adult kids who were upset with the sale - they wanted to keep the free place to vacation at the beach.

[Tybee]

This is not a serious problem in my family (yet) with regards to what DH and I dole out for the kids, but we do get wind of feelings now and then. I know that at least 2 of my kids don't like us renting our family home to our son. Just yesterday my daughter was asking (nicely)--so you're not covering your mortgage with their rent, right? (Subtext: You're giving them a couple of hundred free and clear every month, right?). And my musician son will say "Oh, and X__ went to __ University, and Y__'s a lawyer." (Subtext: You paid for their education, but I didn't go to college so why don't I get money to pursue my music?).

I feel I've done the best I can and will continue to do the best I can to make things as fair as possible but it's not easy because you're dealing not just with money in dollar amounts but with what these gifts symbolize.

I do worry about what will happen when DH and I are both gone with regards to our new family home in VT. My musician son who is unmarried spends a ton of time up here, loves it with a passion, and he was the one who pushed us to put an offer on it. The others love it but they have families and are not quite as emotionally involved. So, what happens to the house then? Do we split it among all the kids? Do we give the son who loves it right of refusal to sell?

IL, I think you've really hit on a real issue when it comes to estates. Food for thought.

A lot of people disagree on how to do this, and say it is impossible to be fair, but did you spend a certain amount of money for the other kids on college, and could musician son get more of a share of inheritance of house to reflect that? So for example, Mary wants to live her house to Tom, Dick, and Harry, her three sons, but Tom and Dick got 50,000 for college and Harry got nothing. Her house is worth 200,000. so when she dies, Harry inherits 50% and Tom and Dick inherit 25% each? Then maybe Harry can buy out Tom and Dick's share and keep the house?

Or will this just invite angry chaos for all of them, and taint Mary's last years on earth.

We've had some of this in our family, and it's not pleasant.

[Tybee]

DH and I have been talking about buying his mother's house as a stepping stone to get back "home." It is an hour away from the small town we want to move to. It needs work which we would be willing to do before reselling. The housing market is so tight that we can't find a house to buy so this would allow us a place to land and make it easier to look locally rather than being out of state. Only problem is that when his mother moved to assisted living, his brother "rented" it to one of his daughters for half market value and with all utilities paid. It seemed like a good temporary option at the time but it is dragging on now for two years. I can see how it would be a sticky wicket considering inheritance issues down the road and in effect, having to kick his daughter out. She is in her 30s, single and is a waitress so not sure how she would survive economically otherwise. The house was supposed to be available to all family members when they visited from out of state but no one wants to be there with her occupying the house. Not sure how to proceed as the sibs aren't close.

I am going to weigh in on this one--I would not want to buy the mom's house because of the niece living in it. Too complicated and fraught and I would not want to do the work on it and then have it not my house when it was sold.