Opposing viewpoints

[iris lilies]

It is dastardly hard to keep things “even” or “ fair” when it comes to parental money, especially if you are dealing out tangibles not cash

Fortunately with my sibling, our mother bent over backwards to do the “fair” thing. I remember my mother giving my brother some property and I think she out and out gave him their version of “the lake house*.” It was a long time ago and I was out doing my own adult life thing, so I cant remember details. And then, being a good mother she felt guilty and offered to buy me property there as well. My reaction was oh hell no keep me as far away from that Nowheresville as possible. So,she gave me cash! Nice.

Years later they got rid of that place because they were past the stage of wanting to drive to an a half hours to go to a weekend place.

On the topic of advanced education she remarked more than once that she paid so much more for my brother than for me. Thinking back about it I really do not think that’s true. I think that was just mom math, but whatever, even if true it didnt bother me. I paid for a few years of college but that didnt kill me and was actually good for me.

* It was a house, of sorts. It was by a lake, sort of.

[jp1]

I'm so thankful that my sister and I didn't have to go through the whole "he/she got more than I did" craziness. Our parents helped us both with college costs. We'd both gotten some scholarship money. She lived at home and had some rent assistance from them for the last two years when she didn't live at home. I went to school far away so our parents spent more on housing/food for me in college but it all worked out roughly equal. By the time dad died all his assets were easy to liquidate except his 12 year old/20,000 mile car. I took the car and got a smaller portion of the financial assets.

My mom, on the other hand, was one of eight kids and the only asset with financial value when their mother died was the house she lived in. Being in nowhereville Kansas in today's dollars it was worth maybe $100k. The youngest sibling, who'd not been given the chance/support to go to college as had several of his older siblings, nor any other financial assistance from their parents, spent the last 14 years of my grandma's life living in her basement with his young family and taking care of her. She was diabetic and blind so she needed someone to cook for her/drive her 80 miles each way to all her medical appointments/etc. My uncle and his wife did all this. After grandma died my mom and 3 of her siblings gave their brother their shares of grandma's house to thank him for all he'd done for their mother. The other three siblings insisted that he buy out their shares so he got a loan from the local bank to do so. I only heard this story 20 years later and when mom asked me to guess who the three were I could do so easily because the rift between the five and the three siblings never really healed. A lifetime of vaguely pissed off family relations all over $12,500 per person.

Random aside, fast forward to today and uncle is the only surviving sibling and he and his wife still live in that same house. Although I've talked to them on the phone from time to time I haven't been to visit since I was in college 30+ years ago. I can only imagine the trip down memory lane it would be for me to actually walk into that house today. So many happy memories...

[ApatheticNoMore]

I think I've gotten screwed over by parental money, ok I have, and it's a sore spot (a kick in the gut at the time), but mostly I don't really dwell on it, because there is really very little I can do, it is what it is. I may OR may not ever inherit anything, so all I can do is thank my grandparents for leaving me a very small amount, because maybe that's what I get, it was a help on buying my first couple used cars, surviving my first unemployment. I mean my parents could have made life easy for me in many ways, they were in a position to to a degree, but that's not how it all played out.

[Tybee]

I like giving money to grandchildren better, I have to say. I have these little brokerage accounts for each grandchild and I love watching them grow. I hope someday they can use it for a small downpayment on a house. (I do NOT want them to use it for college, haha.) There is more time for it to grow to something, and you are not bailing them out, but rather trying to help set them up a little in life, so they might have more options.

One of the coolest things ever was when my son cashed in his savings bonds for college--they were purchased by my elderly grandmother and great-aunt when he was born, and I think it was about 1000 dollars, and it meant so much to both of us to think of these very old retired school teachers working since the Depression and thinking to buy bonds for the grandbabies when they were born, and then that child being able to use it for college, as they had both gone to teacher's college at Suwanee in about 1915. We were both kind of in awe that their hard work and thoughtfulness, and their stewardship of resources for the future generations.

[ewomack]

Wow. So many stories of family rifts over stupid money. It's sad. Unfortunately, there always seems to be someone somewhere who puts money before their own relations. And family ties often come with tight knots, so it seems.

On long term financial planning, which is always a fantastic thing to do, make sure to keep up with tax and inheritance laws. My wife's grandmother kept money for her in a trust for years, but she didn't keep up with the stipulations of the trust, which resulted in a pretty substantial loss on withdrawal by the time my wife even knew about it. Her grandmother, had she still been living, would have been heartbroken.

[iris lilies]

An update of sorts on DH’s family inheritance, being purposely vague about details:

The judge ruled against DH’s team of siblings. You might think this is bad, but I was pleased because it means more assets in DH’s pocket. Seldom does the phrase “the judge ruled against us” mean “I will end up with more.”

It is a curious thing. The dead dad gave stuff worth low 5 figures to one of DH’s siblings many years ago. This took place more than ten years before his death.

One sibling expects the entire estate to be divided exactly in equitable portions including these gifted assets, and took the executors to court over this issue.

The judge did not respect the dead dad’s gifting and judge said the gifts really belongs to all siblings. Whoah.

[catherine]

An update of sorts on DH’s family inheritance, being purposely vague about details:

The judge ruled against DH’s team of siblings. You might think this is bad, but I was pleased because it means more assets in DH’s pocket. Seldom does the phrase “the judge ruled against us” mean “I will end up with more.”

It is a curious thing. The dead dad gave stuff worth low 5 figures to one of DH’s siblings many years ago. This took place more than ten years before his death.

One sibling expects the entire estate to be divided exactly in equitable portions including these gifted assets, and took the executors to court over this issue.

The judge did not respect the dead dad’s gifting and judge said the gifts really belongs to all siblings. Whoah.

Curious.. what are the learnings for aging parents? If you give a gift prior to dying should you document whether or not it should be considered part of the estate?

[iris lilies]

Curious.. what are the learnings for aging parents? If you give a gift prior to dying should you document whether or not it should be considered part of the estate?

Yes, That’s what I get out of this experience that if a parent gives substantial assets to one sibling, that parent had better document it in some legal way. But I say this not having any idea of what laws were being interpreted by this judge and why.

[pinkytoe]

Another perk for having an only child

[razz]

Another perk for having an only child

Or whatever is given to one should be given to the other/s or given to none at all.