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Thread: Family disharmony

  1. #1
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    Family disharmony

    This is a question about disharmony within a family of adult siblings who are dealing with end stages of life with both parents.
    The facility my folks are in reached out to me this week to recommend my dad enter hospice, as he now his prostate cancer has returned with mets to the spine. He has gone on new medication and appears to be tolerating it.
    Siblings do not agree about hospice. I am only one who wants it, and I want it badly. Sibling who is in charge of his health proxy does not think "it's time." Sibling who is actually there taking him to doctors says he cannot have it because he won't be able to get treatment. I told facility that family would not agree and dad wanted to fight but that with the spinal mets, what used to be considered curative treatment might be reclassified as palliative quality of life issues due to issues like incontinence and potential loss of ability to walk.
    Siblings are angry this was suggested, angry that facility talked to me about it, and not going to agree to anything. Meanwhile, facility now shut down again to indoor visits and only him going on hospice would allow us to visit.

    I am really upset and feel angry and shut out of decision making. I also feel very worried about my dad as facility feels strongly he needs hospice. Siblings have decided he doesn't.

    Any good ideas on how to handle this?

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    Should add that I am being made to feel like Fredo in this, although maybe that's just me. . .

  3. #3
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    What is your father’s idea and wish in this?

    To me when the pros recommend hospice I would be taking that advice. It astonishes me when people want to flog a dying old person with intrusive treatment.

    but that is my point of view, and they have their own point of view about eeking out every bit of life that they can. Both points of view are reasonable I guess.

    I think that’s what you, Tybee, have to understand, that there are reasonable people who take the point of view of your siblings. The fact that you have contentious relations with them colors your acceptance of their decision.

    I’m grateful that all siblings were in agreement for all four of our parents. No one was standing and screaming for ridiculously intrusive treatments.

    Why is the nursing home calling you? If you aren’t the one on site taking care of the parent, or the medical POA, why do you get the calls? Are they talking to multiple children of your father?

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    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    Thankfully my mom was competent to make her own end of life decisions. She had cancer. Is your dad competent?

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    He is competent, Terry, and of course he will make the decision. But my brothers are definitely saying hospice means he only has 6 months to live, and thus he does not want to agree. I don't think they have the right viewpoint of what hospice is and does. I was told he qualifies for it now, and if he gets better, he can go off it, and back on it later if need be.

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    IL, I actually do have medical POA but am after them in order.

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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    He is competent, Terry, and of course he will make the decision. But my brothers are definitely saying hospice means he only has 6 months to live, and thus he does not want to agree. I don't think they have the right viewpoint of what hospice is and does. I was told he qualifies for it now, and if he gets better, he can go off it, and back on it later if need be.
    You father does not want to agree. To me, that is the decision you need to accept.

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    My father has only heard from one brother, who told him he did not want him on it. He has not heard from the facility about it. He is not really reaching an informed and free decision.
    And of course he can do whatever he wants.
    I think the facility feels that he may be approaching the point where he is not competent to make the decision. That was what she implied when she called me. She wanted family to make decision for him.

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    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    Talk to your dad about why hospice is a good idea. Most people go on it to late. I would explain that many people live longer than 6 months on it and it’s only a general guideline.

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    Thanks, Terry, I will do that.

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