Preparing for death

[razz]

Holy cow Razz, pick up, direct cremation and box of ashes to be scattered is only $600 (ish) here and that includes several copies of the death certificate. The prices for these services are all over the place (at least in the US) for basically the same service. Most people never think to check it and I advise making at least a couple of phone calls or use a great website I found called Funeralocity where you put in your zipcode and it will give you the prices within different mile ranges.

In preparation for my mom's death I visited three funeral homes within a mile of each other. I asked for the same thing at all three and one was $550, another was $1500 and the last was $3000. I've since learned a lot about the funeral biz and boy oh boy..... it pays to do your homework. By the time my dad passed I knew exactly who what and where and it was stress free.

We had heard about $15,000 for funerals including visitations, coffin, service and burial. Tombstones are ridiculous in price. You are right about the death certificates. I think that I needed about 10 for DH and was given 12. A new minimalist provider just started up in the last year with reportedly cheaper rates. I have not checked them out.
We have a problem now with too many funeral homes and few historical funerals that pay substantial revenue. One has closed and I expect more will as time goes by.

[jp1]

It's definitely interesting reading others thoughts on this subject. My parents were lifelong practical and frugal people. After my mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer she picked out her dress to be buried in. It was the nicest one she had, but not anything fancy or meaningful in any way, just the last nice dress that she had bought for some family gathering. My dad never expressed any thoughts about things like that beyond the long known fact that he would be buried at the military cemetery since uncle sam was paying for it. (Mom was already there.) He had picked out the cheapest casket at the funeral home so literally all we had to do was call them and say "it's time, he's waiting for you at this hospital" and then show up when it was time to go to the cemetery for the graveside service.

Dad was much more concerned with the financial side of things, having been an accountant as a career. He told me on more than one occasion, "JP, when you die, everything you own becomes the property of someone else. Who that someone(s) is depends on the law in the state where you used to live." As such he had sent my sister and I a net worth statement listing all his assets, account numbers, etc, every five or six years from the time he retired until he died. The last thing listed on each of these was his lawyer's contact info with the helpful detail "it's directly above A Show of Hands" (A Show of Hands was a nail salon downstairs from his office in a small retail/office building near where Dad lived.) After Dad passed away my sister, his executor, went to Denver a few weeks later to deal with probate. At some point that week she needed to speak with the lawyer about some now forgotten detail, so she texted me a picture of the sign for A Show of Hands with the text "Guess where I am? LOL" Dad had unintentionally spent 24 years setting up a post-mortem joke for me and my sister.

edited to add, neither of my parents were embalmed. They both thought it was a waste of money and that once someone died the body was of no importance in any way whatsoever. Personally I agree with that. As such I've only been to the cemetery where they are buried twice. Once when mom died and once when dad died. I doubt I'll ever go again. For me my parents aren't there. What remains of them are the fond memories that I have of them which I can access any time I want in any location. Obviously other people feel differently. SO's family has gone numerous times to Jefferson Barracks Cemetery to visit dear FIL's grave overlooking the Mississippi River.

[llknp]

A lot of funeral homes / cemeteries have pre-paid burial plans. Perhaps a visit to one of these and a talk with one of the counselors can help you get all your questions answered. At least it is a place to start.

[Tybee]

Thank you, all, so many good ideas here to ponder.

[Tybee]

I have found this website to start the planning process:

https://www.cremationofsouthernmaine.com/get-started

Thanks to everyone who recommended the pre-planning process. It looks pretty straightforward.

[rosarugosa]

We had Dad cremated when he died in 1984, and Mom scattered his ashes in the Atlantic. He had been a merchant seaman all of his life, having worked his way up from Able Bodied Seaman to Captain. We gave the funeral home his "khakis" for clothing because that was always his preferred casual wear that he found most comfortable. I know it's a silly thought to consider comfort for someone who is dead, but I kind of like the idea of being in favorite comfy clothes at the end. I think most of us are happy to get out of dress clothing as soon as we can. I want to be cremated in my LLB Vista Camp pants and my gray hoodie, lol.

Edit: Just realized I had put "DH" when it was about my Dad!

[Tybee]

Rosa, that sounds very reasonable to me, and kind of what I was wondering. I had a wonderful pair of velour sweatpants that I wore for the last 15 years, and I told my husband I wanted to be cremated in them, but recently I noticed they were worn to a rag, and I had to get rid of them. So I guess I outlived my funeral garb.

I think an LL Bean flannel shirt for Dad makes sense. I always bought them for him at Christmas; he always gives me LL Bean clothes, and I can still remember his LL Bean hunting shoes from 1960--in fact, I think I finally threw them out of his empty house this year.

[catherine]

This thread has prompted some research into options in my area, so thank you for your experiences and advice. What is a "direct cremation" vs a "full-service cremation" What do you get with each? I see that in my area direct cremations are about $1700.

[pinkytoe]

I was just thinking yesterday about how glad I am my in-laws made all their plans years ago so that those of us left behind weren't burdened with decisions. MIL is saying she wants to die so it will happen soon. This also reminds me that DH and I need to get on with writing up our wishes but he doesn't like to even think about it. I have been reading Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey and apparently he was buried secretly in the wild desert he loved so much - I suppose against the law but that is what he wanted. That appeals to me. Me, I guess I would like to be wrapped in cloth and buried in a pine box with a lovely tree planted over me. Or have my ashes scattered in the mountains. My brother always impresses on me how important it is to have some sort of burial marker for future geneaology efforts but that's his thing.

[catherine]

My brother always impresses on me how important it is to have some sort of burial marker for future geneaology efforts but that's his thing.

In my family, graves are guilt-provoking because we feel we should visit them but never do. DH feel guilty that he has been to his mother's grave once since she died 10 years ago. I feel guilty because my father is buried in a cemetery but my mother never got him a headstone, and I felt I should have. When I was doing genealogy stuff, I discovered "Find A Grave" (which is a great site) and I was so happy to find my great-aunt's grave, but then crestfallen to see that it badly needed to be cleaned.

I do think it will be fun someday to visit the graves of my New England ancestors, but knowing they exist doesn't motivate me to provide my descendants with one of my own.