Preparing for death

[happystuff]

I wanted to do the military burial for dad and for mom as he served in WWII and she worked at a Navy shipyard during the war so she also served at home.

He said he did not want that, unfortunately. It would have been fitting, and it would have pleased me, as it would have honored his service and the grave would have been maintained.

But he wants to be "scattered in a flowerbed in consecrated ground"--to which his rector said, "no way can he do that."

Which raises another point--lately, I've seen family members in my husband's family, and my ex-husband, where the departed said what they wanted, and the remaining folks have said no, it's too expensive, you're going to be cremated.

So that raises the point of whether people should honor the wishes of the departed or do their own thing? In my fil's case, what step mother-in-law chose to do was radically different than what he wanted.

Actually, also true in case of ex-husband.

Makes one realize that what ACTUALLY happens is truly up to those left dealing with arrangements (even pre-arrangements can be changed!). Best I can do is make my wishes known and, if possible, have the money for what I want done. But, again, the reality is that whoever is handling things can do what they want. Knowing ahead that my wishes are known may generate a sense of comfort while I'm still alive, but doesn't necessarily change the reality of events after I'm gone. And, at that point in time - what will I care?

[ToomuchStuff]

This thread is both thought provoking and making me laugh. My earliest memory and my "happy place" was going to the funeral home, with my grandfather, who worked there (and they were neighbors with Harry's cousin). They gave me a couple of pop bottles to keep my quiet, while my grandfather went upstairs to photograph Truman's casket. I still have the pictures and the info given to him by the secret service, and I was two. (easy to date memory)
Decades later, semi family, told me the story of why I was taken and how three people had to die for me to have that "happy place".
Funerals, are for the living.....

Now, I do need to plan more and better for my death financially and be redoing it in the very near future, again. This is due to the new house, becoming an owner of the business, etc. etc. So much of this is on hold, though, because probate is backed up, due to covid and courts. So far, I have two estates that we need to combine into one sale, when it is allowed.
So I have had family in that industry and still smile when I drive by "my second home" that was my childhood dream job (working with grandpa). So after GP passed, GM did the preplanned thing at the funeral home. When she passed nearly two decades later, ownership of the funeral home had changed, the law had changed (now required a vault), and there was only one person who knew her or my grandfather, and when he worked with GP, he was new and now was retiring within days.
So preplanned are good IMHO, but not perfect and many financial people say don't do them.
As to being cremated in uniform, unless requested, I wouldn't, because don't you have to remove all the metals/jewelry, etc? Our view has always been best clothes out of the closet for viewing/visitation. Cremation, something comfortable or means something to the person (late boss, Pirates stuff).
Cremation verses burial, is personal preferences (some religious, some other aspects). It has been a long time since I visited the funeral homes family plot. That is where I would like my ashes spread, but I don't believe it is allowed. Other family, still think you're going to hell if you get burned, intentionally. There are other family plots, in different area's of the state, that haven't been visited in almost 70 years. We move forward. Then I have family that I don't even know if or where they are buried. (relatives former owner that raped them, didn't need that history)

[Tammy]

I haven’t planned anything or put anything into writing as I will let this decision up to who ever remains. But I told my husband and children to just donate my body to science. After about a year they’ll get back a bag of cremated remains from all of my leftover parts. I’m forever the practical person

[Yppej]

(relatives former owner that raped them, didn't need that history)

Am I reading this correctly that your relative was a slave raped by a slavemaster?

[razz]

I haven’t planned anything or put anything into writing as I will let this decision up to who ever remains. But I told my husband and children to just donate my body to science. After about a year they’ll get back a bag of cremated remains from all of my leftover parts. I’m forever the practical person

I was going to do this as well until I was told of situations where science didn't want the body. They were not told immediately so family came for the visitation and left. All of a sudden, the family who had come from out of province then had to make arrangements from a distance which was a real pain. Instead, I make sure that my body can be harvested of anything useful by signing the donation form on my driver's licence.

My prearrangement does not require much more than a phone call and it is completed.

It is hard to preplan everything as life and society change over the years so what works today may be of no benefit in 20 years time.

[Gardnr]

We sent Dad's suit to the funeral home with him when they picked him up. Mom: my sister and I selected a nice dress from her closet and took that to the funeral home when we went to make the arrangements.

Please don't go shop for "the right or expected thing". If it's in their closet and you saw them wear it, it's fine.

[iris lilies]

Maybe an argument for prepaying for the type of disposition you want.

agreed. If whatever you want presents a financial burden to those left behind, you had better pay for it yourself.

See I have a very strong feeling about “honoring the wishes of the departed.”


If the departed has strong ideas about what they want done, they need to make a plan and make sure that plan is filed with a death industry representative.My mother annoyed me over decades because she felt strongly about what she wanted done with her remains—which in itself is fine — but you would be surprised how often the plan changed and how radical the change was. It went from “ I must be cremated if I’m not cremated I’ll come back and haunt you “ too “now I’m Jewish and I have to be buried in the Jewish cemetery with all of that ritual.” . And in between those two radical ideas, quite different, were various other things. So I stopped listening to her and just assumed her plan which we urged her to make, covered the stuff she wanted done.It almost seem to me to be a bit of a hobby with her, making the death plans.

[Tybee]

We sent Dad's suit to the funeral home with him when they picked him up. Mom: my sister and I selected a nice dress from her closet and took that to the funeral home when we went to make the arrangements.

Please don't go shop for "the right or expected thing". If it's in their closet and you saw them wear it, it's fine.

Thank you, that's what I needed to hear.

[iris lilies]

This thread has prompted some research into options in my area, so thank you for your experiences and advice. What is a "direct cremation" vs a "full-service cremation" What do you get with each? I see that in my area direct cremations are about $1700.

Look, anytime the funeral home touches the dead body or executes any part of a service, there is a large fee involved. You do not need that middleman.

You as the consumer can take charge of the dead body and send it directly to the crematorium. I’ve looked into this in my town. The crematorium is literally half a mile from my house and I know exactly where it is. That is literally half a mile from the nearest hospital.

in my scenario of “direct crematorium “you issue the order to move the body from the hospital morgue to the crematorium. There is no service. There is no fancy urn. There is no coffin to burn up. The funeral home is completely out of it.

As mentioned above, I would not discount the importance of getting multiple death certificates. You will need those. I don’t know how they come about If a funeral home involved, but of course one can do it.

tl; dr a funeral home need not be involved at all. Not in my state, anyway.

edited to add: cremation in this direct way is $650 ish. Last time I talked to the crematorium to get the exact cost, it was under $600. I assume prices have gone up a bit.

[Teacher Terry]

In my state direct cremation can be done also. When my friend was dying she was in a small town so used the local funeral home. There was no direct cremation facility. I was allowed to prepay with her money even though she had went on Medicaid because the cost of her care doubled over time. They were even willing to drive her to the veterans cemetery for me but I wanted to pick her up and inter her. It was the last thing I could do for her. I see no point in worrying about what one is wearing to be cremated. I would use the direct cremation and then buy a nice urn for the service. My mil would love it that so many people have used her beautiful urn and that I will to. However, I am selfish and will reside in it).