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Thread: Relationship advice?

  1. #1
    Senior Member gimmethesimplelife's Avatar
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    Relationship advice?

    SO has been having a hard time lately - he was let to from the Convention Center when I was and has since only found PT work and is beating himself up about it. I know he"s looking and that it's rough and I've only been supportive. Any ideas on how to get him over this male employment or lack thereof FT guilt? It's really getting to him and it's not his fault. Rob

  2. #2
    Senior Member gimmethesimplelife's Avatar
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    Should be let go above. Rob

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    Personally, I think all you can do is be supportive; it is something he has to do and deal with, himself. But, again, being there and being supportive helps.
    To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." Mahatma Gandhi
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    Not really. You can remind him to be grateful he is at least able to earn some money with part-time employment maybe and at least be glad for that.

    I mean one may imagine it's like flipping a mental switch, that one can realize much of it is noone's fault*, or that being that much employment is just BS jobs or is destructive to the world anyway (not saying his employment, just talking employment in general), that being employed is not the measure of a human being. But it really doesn't matter, as it's not a conscious thing. One can know all that and so what? It's something about trying desperately and being unable to achieve one's aim, and having to submit oneself constantly to those who have the power to give you what you want (a FT job) but for whatever reason hire someone else. It's about living in a society oriented around work which one can't escape because one lives in it - we really can't escape our society at the most fundamental *emotional* level. And all that made much worse if one doesn't have enough money coming in and fears for the future financially as well.

    * it was all caused by a global pandemic (managed badly by the powers that be as well), it's obviously in many ways noone's fault to have lost a job due to a global pandemic! But a lot of job losses are not actually anyone's fault, they are recessions etc.., but a global pandemic has to take the cake in being noone's fault.
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    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gimmethesimplelife View Post
    Any ideas on how to get him over this male employment or lack thereof FT guilt?
    I'm not quite certain what you mean by this phrase.

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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    First of all, let go of the idea that you can change what’s in his head at all. All you can do is control your own actions.

    That said, you can be effusively and openly grateful to him if he cleans the house, cooks, does laundry, runs household errands, in other words all the domestic chores that frees you to concentrate on work. While you guys probably count on two incomes, it can be pretty luxurious to have one partner stay at home and take care of all the household stuff so that when you’re off work you can spend quality time together.


    I say this not having any idea how much he likes or tolerates household chores, but truly if he can think of that as his job, he is making a significant contribution to your family’s mental and physical health.

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    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    First of all, let go of the idea that you can change what’s in his head at all. All you can do is control your own actions.

    That said, you can be effusively and openly grateful to him if he cleans the house, cooks, does laundry, runs household errands, in other words all the domestic chores that frees you to concentrate on work. While you guys probably count on two incomes, it can be pretty luxurious to have one partner stay at home and take care of all the household stuff so that when you’re off work you can spend quality time together.


    I say this not having any idea how much he likes or tolerates household chores, but truly if he can think of that as his job, he is making a significant contribution to your family’s mental and physical health.
    Yes, there are more ways to contribute to a household than with a paycheck.

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    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies
    I say this not having any idea how much he likes or tolerates household chores, but truly if he can think of that as his job, he is making a significant contribution to your family’s mental and physical health.
    Yes, there are more ways to contribute to a household than with a paycheck.
    +1. If you want, figure out what it would cost for a cleaning service, laundry, etc. It adds up. DW and I were quite happy with our arrangement of her working FT and me taking care of the house. It made the FT job that much more do-able.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

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    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bae View Post
    I'm not quite certain what you mean by this phrase.
    I agree with this comment.. is there some kind of bias he has about being a partner with less weight just because he has reduced earning potential? That might be hard to overcome if so. I'd encourage him to focus, not on housework, but on the activities he's always enjoyed but never had time for before. I would continue to share household responsibilities and not expect him to do all the vacuuming and cleaning. I tell my son that God opened a window of opportunity with his being let go from the restaurant at this time, and that maybe he's now meant to explore other aspects of his talents.
    Last edited by catherine; 12-28-20 at 9:26pm.
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  10. #10
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    Exactly. There were only about 3-4 years since 1981 where SO and I both worked full time. The part time one had so much flexibility to manage the kids and the errands and the household. It seemed like 2 full time jobs was a decrease in our quality of life.

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